The end of a marriage is usually difficult for all parties, including any children in the family.
When the end comes as a result of infidelity, another person comes into the conflict. Does that person owe anything to the family of the person they had a relationship with?
One Redditor believed the “other person” does, but not everyone agreed. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor lucyinthecurnonsky asked:
“AITA for wanting to talk to the woman responsible for my parents divorce?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“When I was 10 my parents divorced. It was very messy.”
“I didn’t know at the time but they had a real Charles-Diana-Camilla thing going on and after years of watching my dad love another woman my mother finally cracked and divorced him. It was acrimonious and it did a lot of damage to me that I’m working out in therapy.”
“My father married his mistress 30 days after the divorce between he and mom was made final. Ultimately ‘Angie’ couldn’t handle things (my parent’s friends and my mom bad-mouthed her in our small town, I was a little shit head, my dad’s parents and family were awful to her, she was put through the wringer) and the marriage fell apart after 2 years.”
“I never saw her after that. My dad never really moved on from Angie, turns out he really loved her.”
“I’m now in my 20’s and my therapist suggested I talk to the people in my life connected to the divorce. My father was happy to talk, mom was reticent.”
“I found Angie, she lives a town over. I sent her a message on FB asking to speak.”
“She declined me.”
“I sent another messaging in greater detail explaining why I wanted to speak and that I hold nothing against her any longer, that I’m just looking for closure and I think she could be helpful.”
“Once again Angie declined to speak to me. She told me she had managed to move on and she wasn’t interested in rehashing the past.”
“I told her talking to me was the least she could do to help me move on since she was partially the cause of my childhood trauma.”
“Angie blocked me.”
“As a last-ditch effort I went to her house (she’s in the phone book, her address is public). Angie wouldn’t answer the door and threatened to call the cops if I didn’t leave her alone.”
“I don’t understand why she won’t talk to me. I’m just asking her for a little help, a little clarity.”
“She was instrumental in the downfall of my parents marriage and the catalyst for an incredibly bad divorce. I feel like she owes me a little, just a little.”
“AITA for trying to talk to Angie?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole.
“YTA, dude are you serious? Have you talked to your therapist about the fact you’ve been harassing this woman?”
“Everything that happened in the past sucks, but leave her alone. She’s said no multiple times.”
“There is no need for you to continue trying to speak to her. Let this particular thread go.” ~ ohmygodtiffany
“I was just gonna say, 100% if your therapist knew you were harassing and stalking this woman, they’d tell you that is NOT healthy behavior!”
“Your therapist said to get closure, OP, not stalk a woman who owes you nothing.”
“You were within your right to ask her, she was within hers to say no. Accept that and move on.” ~ kckaaaate
“YTA. You wouldn’t be the asshole if you’d just reached out to her and asked. But you did, she said no as was her right, and then you continued to pester her.”
“She has every right to not want to talk to you.”
“But then—and I want to be clear about how utterly horrendous this part is—you went to her house.”
“Holy f’k. YTA.” ~ iulusquintilius
“Going to her house was a complete [a**hole] move. That’s so creepy.” ~ LesFruitsSecs
“OP was the a**hole BEFORE then for not taking the no, going to her house is uber-a**hole. That’s ‘get arrested’ levels of a**hole.” ~ -Coffeespoons-
“I would have called the cops immediately. This is so ridiculously inappropriate.”
“Apparently Dad’s lack of boundaries in his marriage has been passed on to OP.” ~ txsmd
“Also, the idea of needing closure from people who hurt you is false and harmful. Those people dont have your closure.”
“Closure is an internal process that you give yourself, and you should find a way to achieve it that doesn’t require the people who hurt you to suddenly care.”
“As for OP’s specific situation, wtf YTA.” ~ RickyNixon
“Super YTA. Especially to be so persistent to this lady when OP’s dad is the one who strung her along, botched his transition between relationships and disrespected his wife and family.”
“No, the other woman shouldn’t have had a relationship with a married man, but she’s not the one who made a commitment to be faithful with his wife—he is. After she got bullied and moved away, why on earth would OP think that this woman owes them jack shit??”
“Once again, I would have blocked OP the first time they reached out and when they physically showed up I would have called the f’king cops.” ~ txsmd
“Yeah I’m willing to bet the therapist meant something more like, ‘get some closure from your parents’. Not, ‘contact and harass the person your dad cheated on with’.” ~ ChemicalChameleon
“Yeah, what did OP think was going to happen?”
“‘Oh fine, since you’re at my house I’ll talk to you. I knew it was wrong to sleep with a married man, but your dad is like, GREAT in bed’.”
“‘Like romance novel levels of sensuous throbbing, fingers traced dartingly across the yearning terrain of my body. So I did it anyway. Got closure now?'” ~ sthetic
“YTA. You crossed a line from trying to contact her to harassing her. She doesn’t ‘owe’ you anything, and that expectation is really unhealthy.”
“This is not what your therapist had in mind when she suggested you ‘talk to the people in [your] life connected to the divorce’. Angie is not in your life.” ~ WebbieVanderquack
“YTA…you were ok to reach out on FB but you really took things too far when you went to her house.”
“She obviously didn’t want to reconnect and you were not considerate of her feelings. You needed to respect her wishes.” ~ Bhammer74
“I think the first message on FB was okay. The second was pushing it.”
“Beyond that, OP’s actions were wildly inappropriate.” ~ PurpleMP12
Hopefully the OP now realizes their behavior was inappropriate. If they need closure, they’ll need to find it elsewhere.