Redditor not-me1370 is a bisexual woman who offended her male friend after discussing his relationship problems.
When the friend asked her why she wouldn't consider dating him, she was brutally honest in pointing out a side of him she thought was a definite turn-off.
He didn't take it well.
Wondering if she went too far with her personal criticism, she visited the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for telling my friend I wouldn't date him because he was 'too Christian'?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained what happened in the course of their conversation.
"Me and one of my male friends were talking about his recent endeavors in the dating scene, specifically about how things didn't work out between him and one of my old friends."
"She (z) was older and the kind of girl that was pretty open about her sexuality and not afraid to flaunt what she had, while T was more innocent, conservative Christian kinda guy. I commended his pull game, but they didn't really seem to be each other's type, so I was surprised that they even had a thing together."
"(Just to clarify, I'm bi and in a relationship, so when male friends talk to me about girls it's because I'm a girl who also likes said girls)"
"This lead to him lamenting about how it didn't work out, how he thought she was 'kinda hoe-y" but after talking to her realized she was so much more, how hot she was, and eventually to 'is there something wrong with me?' 'Why wouldn't you date me?' (At this point wasn't a super heavy convo, we interact a lot by ribbing and trying to roast each other.)"
"I told him he was too 'nice christian boy' and he was all like 'what do you meannnn??'"
"Basically, (again we are good friends I respect his values and he generally respects everyone's right to do whatever they want) I honestly told him I wouldn't date him because he's pro-life, thinks sex before marriage is dumb, thinks girls who wear revealing clothes do it for attention, cannot cook or do laundry without his mom, chose his major because his parents told him too, and thinks the end goal in life is to settle down with a wife and a white picket fence."
"He'd have a better chance going for a nice Christian girl with his values or shift is values a bit if he really wants girls like (z)."
"(The way I said it was more like 'boi you can't even cook spaghetti and you think all girls in booty shorts are asking for it')."
"Anyway I think he was a little offended but we kept talking and eventually got to the point where I said for me, personally, being very Christian/religious was definitely a turn off."
"He said I was discriminating and hypocritical for roasting him for not being open minded while being too close minded myself to date devout Christians. I guess he has a point, and looking back I think I might have said too much, so now I am wondering...AITA?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA - You're The A**hole
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
NAH - No A**holes Here
"NTA. There is such a thing as compatibility, and all you told him is that you had incompatible values."
"It probably is a better idea for him to date someone with similar values than date people who are very different, try to change them, and then be derogatory about them when he inevitably fails to do that."
"He can't cry about being judged if he started off this entire convo with a judgemental comment." – Calandra205
"NTA. Dating as a way to find a life partner means it's important to date people you could actually see sharing a life with. Having fundamentally different values is a legitimate reason to dismiss someone from your dating pool."
"Also, who wants to date a guy who relies on his parents to plan his life? That's just asking for a terrible in-law situation." – belladonna_echo
"NTA. He's a hypocrite ... hes literally upset at you for saying the same stuff he said to his exgirl. But in the reverse perspective." – JennaMatrixxx
"NTA ... Dating preferences are, by definition, not discriminatory because nobody is obligated to date any other person for any reason. Ever."
"You don't want to date a trans person? That's valid. You don't want to date a physically disabled person? That's valid. You don't want to date a conservative person? That's valid. You don't want to date a poor person? That's valid. You don't want to date a Christian? That's valid."
"He is essentially putting his insecurities about dating on you and trying to make you feel an obligation where one should not exist. And that's f'king a**hole behavior to me, much more than the mocking tone you delivered your opinion in." – nonstopgirlfriend
"NTA it SHOULD be a turn off for a non-religious, pro-choice person to date a religious pro-life person and vice versa."
"Those kinds of differences in ideology cannot be easily reconciled within a relationship. Pointing that out might do him a big favor in terms of future happiness and there's no assholery in being honest with a friend." – msdeflaggelate
Redditors who rejected their formerly devout ways shared their perspectives on dating.
"Yeah. I used to be the nice Christian boy."
"I'm glad nobody gave me a chance. I'm glad it forced me to recheck my values and the whys behind them. I'm glad I became a kinder softer person, motivated by loneliness."
"My current partner has values much closer to OPs and I couldn't be happier. Truth be told I also refused to date nice Christian girls, something in me always told me to stay away from such arbitrary deep seated prejudice." – GuiltyandCharged
"Former good Christian boi here as well, I'm gonna be honest seeing 'Christian' as a religion on dating apps kinda repels me now."
"It probably shouldn't, just the same as 'Muslim, Buddhist, etc' shouldn't repel me. I would even say that I still have faith to a certain extent, although it's kind of my own version (probably closer to 'spiritual' although I kinda don't like that word)."
"It's just something about the rigidity and absoluteness of religion that turns me off. I prefer people who have a faith but are willing to accept that there are other possibilities out there, and are willing to accept that no one actually knows what's out there beyond our reality and beyond our lifetimes."
"It's freeing once you believe in a greater deity, but believe that that deity truly does love you (as every religion preaches) and that it's not something to be afraid of. That if you acknowledge your ignorance that 'God may not exist or may not be who i think he/she/it is' they are perfectly understanding of that and love you just the same."
"And that they don't banish you to hell for thinking that the stories recorded centuries ago might not be the truth and nothing but the truth."
"This all stemmed from realizing in college that my best friend, who is catholic, would be bound for hell after he died because he didn't believe in salvation due to Jesus' death and sacrifice on the cross."
"I determined that if that was the truth, God could send me to hell as well, because Andrew is a great guy and deserves way more than that after death." – Mason-Derulo
"NTA. You pointed out his misogyny that he wraps in "Christian" paper. Being a misogynist is not a requirement of being Christian."
"He can unpack all that and still be a devout Christian. If your comments help him realise that, he can make his own life better and make the world a better place."
Fellow Christians expressed their disapproval of his views.
"I'm a Christian. I wouldn't date him." – candydaze
"NTA. I'm Christian and dude sounds like he needs to stop being selective in what parts of the Bible he reads." – chicken_nugget08
"NAH. I'm Christian as well and he sounds like an entitled prick. While it may be just his denomination frankly just no. No thanks." – zora833
"NTA. I am a Christian and this isn't offensive at all. (I wouldn't date this guy either btw for quite a few reasons.)"
"You can respect someone's values and not want a romantic relationship with them." – Beachlover8282
Overall, Redditors said the friend was entitled to his opinions about dating preferences but that he had no right to judge the OP for expressing her incompatibilities with him.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.