It’s always wonderful to see two equally driven and successful people come together in a marriage.
They’re an undeniable power couple, after all.
But sometimes other life events, like starting a family, can really change the dynamic from what it was the day of the wedding, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, and the couple will have to adapt their success to that.
Redditor Status-Mention6793 and her husband both loved their careers, but as their family grew, her husband became increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of trusting other people with caring for his children, thus fueling his hope of her becoming a stay-at-home mom.
When he introduced this idea to her, the Original Poster (OP) knew something had to be done to maintain her competitive status in the workforce.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband that he needs to give me half his company if he wants me to be a housewife?”
The OP’s husband recently asked her to do something that really surprised her.
“My husband and I (both 35) have been married for six years, and we have two children together and one on the way.”
“He said that he wanted me to be a housewife and stop working.”
“I was very disturbed by that, but he explained that it was better for our family and children since he can afford a very good living for us.”
“He also said he would be less anxious and stressed out if he knew our children were with me rather than with strangers in daycare or with nannies (his words).”
The OP came up with a solution that made her more comfortable with the idea.
“After a few weeks of thinking, I told him that I would agree but only if I own half of his company.”
“He was surprised by this, but I explained further that the more I stayed at home, the less chance I would have to find a well-paying job should we ever divorce because I would have fewer merits, while he would stay making more money each year.”
“So I want half of the company. If we never divorce, which is the goal of all marriages, then it wouldn’t matter, but should it end, it would be the price of me staying home and raising our children so he could be less worried and stressed out.”
“He was very surprised but understanding, though we have more discussing to do.”
The OP felt conflicted after talking to trusted loved ones.
“When I told my friends, they called me an AH. My best friend was very angry and called me disgusting.”
“So I am taken aback a little and am wondering if I’m going about this the wrong way.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
A few people were uncomfortable with how the OP was treating her marriage.
“YTA. This sounds like something a stay-at-home mom would suggest, alright.”
“This is an insane ask. If you get half the company, your husband loses controlling interest, you become personally liable for one-half the liabilities (which would be disastrous if you did get divorced and the company went under), and a company half owned by a stay-at-home parent is far less attractive to outside investment.”
“Unless there’s a prenup, you would be well taken care of in a divorce if you are a stay-at-home parent and your husband makes good money.”
“There are other ways to get your money without negatively affecting the business.” – Jesse-Gray
“YTA.”
“You have children with your husband, and he wants you to take care of them in the home you share, so you behave like you’re heading toward a divorce and begin making settlement demands?”
“If you don’t want to stay at home and actually raise your children yourself, why don’t you just tell him?” – Mysterious-Pea-5008
“YTA, absolutely. I agree with your friends. He’s trying to do something for you.”
“I’d give anything to be a stay-at-home dad. Rather than taking it as a gift, you turned it around on him as if it was a bad thing.”
“Besides, you’re already married? Then you’d get half of everything anyhow, and he knows this. So shoving it in his face is an a**hole move.”
“You must not be happy with your marriage to even be thinking like this, because if you were, this wouldn’t cross your mind. I’m sorry for that.” – COYGooners
But most reassured the OP that she was right to protect herself, happy marriage or not.
“NTA, and you shouldn’t bend on this. You have as much a right to a secure financial future as he does. If he won’t do this, he can’t afford you, or he is looking to create a power imbalance that puts you at a disadvantage.”
“In the future, keep your marital business to yourself. Your friends don’t get a vote.” – Money-System1026
“OP, do not back out of this, even if your marriage lasts the rest of your days.”
“My parents never divorced, but my Dad wanted to sell his company to my brother for a sweetheart deal. My Mom helped with the company (no formal title, but she busted her a** for the company when needed) while raising four kids.”
“When it came time to negotiate the sale of the company from my Dad to my brother, she brought her own lawyer.”
“My Dad died several years ago. I am so glad my Mom did this as she now has no financial worries, including health care costs (a few times in a nice rehab facility after surgeries).” – Sunshine_Tampa
“Divorce is not the only potential OP or anyone else in a similar situation should think about, which is why OP’s request is valid and should not be compromised on. Illness, injury, death, etc., are all possible and with less warning than the divorce process.”
“Since this is for the better of the kids’ situation to become a stay-at-home mom, then OP’s husband should want her to maintain business standing should something happen to him and she find herself working again.” – necrobarbie666
“NTA. To me, this sounds reasonable for exactly the reasons you’ve given.”
“You don’t want to be the bitter woman finding out in her 50s that waiting tables is her only option because her professional career skills have passed their due date, and your husband has moved on.”
“You don’t want to be trapped in a loveless or even abusive marriage because you’re financially dependent.”
“And you don’t want to be a SAHM begging her husband for an allowance.” – Playful-Robot-5599
“NTA. He’s asking you to make a sacrifice for the sake of the company, so equity in the company is appropriate compensation for this.”
“If you never get divorced, then no worries. If you do, then the extra attention he’s able to give to the business due to your taking on the domestic roles benefits both of you equally, as it should.” – Hi_Im_dadbot
“This isn’t even uncommon, and I’ve seen it many times in my line of work.”
“Often the spouse holds 49%, but there are built-in buy-out conditions so that in the event of a divorce, the partner running the business can buy out their partner over time for market value (determined by a mutually agreed expert to prevent someone being disadvantaged).”
“It’s not even that radical of a suggestion.” – attempted-catharsis
“My wife and I have a company together. I have a business degree and used to run my own consulting company. When I set up our new business, everything went in my wife’s name. This wasn’t to place the burden of risk on her; I never let the company incur any type of debt. “
“I just want to know she is taken care of if anything happens to me and that she doesn’t have to see my name on every little thing/go through the pain of removing it in the event that I die an untimely death.”
“EDIT: To those who are telling me I did this for selfish reasons- I’m not going to divulge further personal info on a public forum just to validate myself. I’m sorry you are in a place in life where you see negativity in everything. I’ve been there, still dealing with it, and I know it sucks.” – Agnostalypse
“Definitely NTA for wanting to protect yourself but also there are some critical components that you should consider.”
“1. This should not be an agreement right now. Have his lawyer draw this up as a ‘post-nup,’ so if you guys get divorced, then you will get x, y, z.”
“2. Also, and I know I’m gonna get flack for this from the 15-year-olds who are primarily commenting on your post BUT 50% is too high.”
“I’m not going to go into whether the value of your labor/support is worth 50%; all I’m going to say is logistically, there are a bunch of issues with 50%.”
“For instance, you’d have as much power in this company as your husband who presumably built it and knows the ins and outs, it is not smart for someone who isn’t completely immersed in the company to have that level of ownership.”
“People think that owning a large amount of a company means sitting around and collecting checks; in 99% of cases, it doesn’t (unless the company is massive with 1000s of employees, so you can diffuse most of the work). You now have employees to consider when you make decisions.”
“Also if the company ever wants to fundraise having 50% owned by someone, again, who has no understanding of the business is going to look really terrible.”
“Anyway, those are my two cents; remember that the majority of people commenting are young; they don’t have experience in long-term relationships and also in owning/operating a business.”
“That being said, I’ll reiterate: you are NTA for wanting to protect your future. If he has a lot of assets and makes good money, probably would be worth it to have some kind of divorce agreement spelled out anyway so that should it happen, it’ll be less messy.” – redcoatwright
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an important update.
“We have decided that I will become a housewife and that I will own 49 percent of the company. That way, my concerns are being met, but he will still be the primary owner and will be able to make all of the company’s decisions. Win-win!”
While most people understood the OP’s concerns about how she would be less competitive in the workforce in a few years if she elected to become a stay-at-home mom now, some felt that it was a reflection of the minimal faith she had in her marriage. The discussion was hinged around the possibility of a divorce, after all, rather than other issues like chronic illness or even death.
It seemed if she wanted to stay competitive in the workforce, it would be better for her also to take some small part in the company, so she has that ease of mind, and so she’s giving back to the company her husband built years before they ever even started dating.