It's important to keep our children in line.
As a result, when they misbehave, it's important to let them know immediately that their behavior isn't appropriate, so they'll know better than to behave in such a way in the future.
When it's not our own children that are misbehaving, however, things become a little more complicated.
As it's a matter of debate as to whether or not we are the ones who should be doing the disciplining.
Redditor Turbulent_True and her boyfriend's daughter recently attended a dinner party.
During which, the young girl didn't hold back on correcting their hostess over the pièce de resistance she went to a lot of trouble to make.
Hearing about his daughter's behavior after the fact, the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend was horrified and shocked that the OP didn't scold or make an example of her at the dinner party.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for not saying anything, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not putting a stop to my stepdaughter 'correcting' the food the host made?"
The OP explained why her boyfriend was so upset about his daughter's behavior and that she didn't do anything at the time:
"I (32 F[emale]) have been dating a widower with a daughter, Nara (12 F), for a year."
"We currently moved to a new city because of my boyfriend's job promotion (I freelance) and are in the middle of settling down."
"Nara and I get along very well."
"Nara plays tennis."
"Since the move, she's been in the school team and competed a bit."
"The parents of her teammates often organize some kind of get together and her father and I tried our best to have her attend most of them."
"I would say Nara got along well with all her teammates and I thought the parents were friendly."
"Last week the team captain's parents hosted a potluck party at their place."
"Nara and I brought over some brownies."
"There really was a lot of all kinds of food."
"The team captain's father did most of the greeting telling us his wife was preparing something special for us all."
"Once everyone was at the party, the wife came out of the kitchen with a special dish, a recipe of a specific country."
"Now, Nara looks white but her late mother actually came from that very country."
"The wife host began to serve everyone and share her recipe and ingredients and how it was 'not that difficult to make once you substitute the local ingredients' and feel free to ask her for tips."
"At this point Nara spoke up, saying that the authentic recipes included such and such and how their particular scent and taste added to the whole experience of eating the dish."
"She said if so many substitutes were used, they may as well call the dish a different name."
"The wife host looked a little unsettled and told Nara that she and her husband traveled a lot in their youth and she had the dish many times and knew what it was supposed to taste like and the substituted ingredients work just fine."
"Nara then said her mom was from the dish's country of origin and she understood that some ingredients were hard to come by but substituting so much turned the dish into something else altogether."
"During all this I mostly kept silent."
"Nara was not being rude, just matter of fact, and as this was a matter of her heritage I thought she could speak up."
"The host wife spluttered a bit before saying everyone should just go ahead and enjoy her dish, no matter the name."
"Everyone tried though nobody asked for seconds (I personally thought it was a little bland) and there was a lot of leftovers."
"Nara's team captain later called her, thanking her for putting her 'annoying stepmom in her place'."
"When my boyfriend came back from his business trip and learned of this, however, he thought I should have reprimanded Nara for being rude to the host."
"He also had a talk with Nara and she seemed to be sulking a bit though she was not grounded or anything."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not the OP was the a**hole for not scolding Nara.
Some felt that the OP didn't do anything wrong, nor was Nara out of line for speaking up and correcting her hostess, even if they understood why her boyfriend was so upset.
"I am reminded of a British TV show host who commented 'If it had
"And the horrified & insulted chef replied 'If my grandmother had wheels she'd be a bicycle!'"
"I'm honestly split on this one."
"There's no doubt that Nara's behavior would be considered breathtakingly rude by most people's standards."
"Social etiquette dictates that if someone is hosting you and cooking for you, you need to be polite and gracious, even if you don't like the food."
"You don't have to lie, but show that you are grateful for their efforts (and for goodness sake don't publicly embarrass them)."
"On the other hand, it sounds like Nara, despite her age, DOES have greater expertise about this dish, and the adults should respect her cultural and familial connection with it."
"IMO I don't think Nara should be punished, but some advice & tips on how to graciously handle similar situations in the future would be to her benefit."
"NAH."- kiwigeekmum
Others felt that the OP should have known better than to let Nara behave that way, and was, indeed, the a**hole for not saying anything:
"YTA."
"Not a huge AH but still."
"Being a gracious guest is a skill everyone should learn."
"Was your stepdaughter technically right?"
"Probably."
"But she made the host uncomfortable unnecessarily."
"I get that it may be a pain point for her, given her mother passed away, but she was actually being rude."
"The host wanted to share something with her guests that she obviously was proud of, and your stepdaughter called her out in front of everyone."- SirDaemos
"YTA."
"Nara was extremely rude."
"This woman opened up her home and spent time and money to prepare this meal."
"Nara trashed it before she was ate it."
"Maybe you and Nara don't realize this but there are different ways to prepare a cultural dish."
"Not everyone in a particular culture prepares their food the exact same way."
"Maybe the dish tastes similarly to the way it was prepared when the hostess ate it during her travels."
"Your stepdaughter needs to learn graciousness and respect."
"If I pulled something like this when I was her age, my mom would make me write an apology letter to the mom."
"Then she would volunteer our family to host the next team get together and make me do all of the cooking by myself so I would learn to have respect for people who invite me into their home and prepare a meal for me."
"The team captain is also an ungrateful brat."
"If her stepmom is so annoying, she needs to handle the hosting duties for these gatherings herself."- Mother_Tradition_774
While a few had trouble seeing how either the OP or Nara did anything wrong:
"Hey sometimes truth hurts."
"NTA."- HufflepuffPrincess96
"If Nara wanted to speak up and defend a dish from her family's heritage."
"She's welcome to."
"It might be uncomfortable for the person appropriating the culture."
"But it's not rude to point out that if you take all the ingredients and change them, it's no longer that dish."
"12yo's also have zero chill, have you met one?"
"They'll tell you exactly what they think from their fresh eyes."
"And as for OP."
"Not her job to police what her boyfriend's daughter does when she isn't being rude or dangerous."
"NTA."- Sistine25
"NTA."
"If I was making a dish from another heritage, and I swapped out ingredients, sure I'd be a bit embarrassed, but who would I be to tell a young girl that she's wrong about her own heritage, weather her mum was alive or not, I'm not from that heritage, I picked it up from 'travels', that's like going into an Italian restaurant, and thinking you can make their recipes but change it up and then tell them you know their food because you've travelled to Italy."
"Like you said she wasn't being rude she was trying to educate, kids are allowed to educate but most adults can't handle it and just say their 'rude'."- sharn98
Whether or not Nara was being rude is debatable.
However, seeing as their hostess did seem to go to great trouble, and even if the dish she was serving was less than authentic, perhaps she shouldn't have made such a public point of correcting her.
However, seeing as Nara isn't technically, or legally, the OP's child yet, who's to say whether or not the OP has any say in punishing her yet?
Perhaps a needed discussion between the OP and her boyfriend.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.