It's important to keep our children in line.
As a result, when they misbehave, it's important to let them know immediately that their behavior isn't appropriate, so they'll know better than to behave in such a way in the future.
When it's not our own children that are misbehaving, however, things become a little more complicated.
As it's a matter of debate as to whether or not we are the ones who should be doing the disciplining.
Redditor Turbulent_True and her boyfriend's daughter recently attended a dinner party.
During which, the young girl didn't hold back on correcting their hostess over the pièce de resistance she went to a lot of trouble to make.
Hearing about his daughter's behavior after the fact, the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend was horrified and shocked that the OP didn't scold or make an example of her at the dinner party.
Wondering if she was in the wrong for not saying anything, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not putting a stop to my stepdaughter 'correcting' the food the host made?"
The OP explained why her boyfriend was so upset about his daughter's behavior and that she didn't do anything at the time:
"I (32 F[emale]) have been dating a widower with a daughter, Nara (12 F), for a year."
"We currently moved to a new city because of my boyfriend's job promotion (I freelance) and are in the middle of settling down."
"Nara and I get along very well."
"Nara plays tennis."
"Since the move, she's been in the school team and competed a bit."
"The parents of her teammates often organize some kind of get together and her father and I tried our best to have her attend most of them."
"I would say Nara got along well with all her teammates and I thought the parents were friendly."
"Last week the team captain's parents hosted a potluck party at their place."
"Nara and I brought over some brownies."
"There really was a lot of all kinds of food."
"The team captain's father did most of the greeting telling us his wife was preparing something special for us all."
"Once everyone was at the party, the wife came out of the kitchen with a special dish, a recipe of a specific country."
"Now, Nara looks white but her late mother actually came from that very country."
"The wife host began to serve everyone and share her recipe and ingredients and how it was 'not that difficult to make once you substitute the local ingredients' and feel free to ask her for tips."
"At this point Nara spoke up, saying that the authentic recipes included such and such and how their particular scent and taste added to the whole experience of eating the dish."
"She said if so many substitutes were used, they may as well call the dish a different name."
"The wife host looked a little unsettled and told Nara that she and her husband traveled a lot in their youth and she had the dish many times and knew what it was supposed to taste like and the substituted ingredients work just fine."
"Nara then said her mom was from the dish's country of origin and she understood that some ingredients were hard to come by but substituting so much turned the dish into something else altogether."
"During all this I mostly kept silent."
"Nara was not being rude, just matter of fact, and as this was a matter of her heritage I thought she could speak up."
"The host wife spluttered a bit before saying everyone should just go ahead and enjoy her dish, no matter the name."
"Everyone tried though nobody asked for seconds (I personally thought it was a little bland) and there was a lot of leftovers."
"Nara's team captain later called her, thanking her for putting her 'annoying stepmom in her place'."
"When my boyfriend came back from his business trip and learned of this, however, he thought I should have reprimanded Nara for being rude to the host."
"He also had a talk with Nara and she seemed to be sulking a bit though she was not grounded or anything."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not the OP was the a**hole for not scolding Nara.
Some felt that the OP didn't do anything wrong, nor was Nara out of line for speaking up and correcting her hostess, even if they understood why her boyfriend was so upset.
"I am reminded of a British TV show host who commented 'If it had
"And the horrified & insulted chef replied 'If my grandmother had wheels she'd be a bicycle!'"
"I'm honestly split on this one."
"There's no doubt that Nara's behavior would be considered breathtakingly rude by most people's standards."
"Social etiquette dictates that if someone is hosting you and cooking for you, you need to be polite and gracious, even if you don't like the food."
"You don't have to lie, but show that you are grateful for their efforts (and for goodness sake don't publicly embarrass them)."
"On the other hand, it sounds like Nara, despite her age, DOES have greater expertise about this dish, and the adults should respect her cultural and familial connection with it."
"IMO I don't think Nara should be punished, but some advice & tips on how to graciously handle similar situations in the future would be to her benefit."
"NAH."- kiwigeekmum
Others felt that the OP should have known better than to let Nara behave that way, and was, indeed, the a**hole for not saying anything:
"YTA."
"Not a huge AH but still."
"Being a gracious guest is a skill everyone should learn."
"Was your stepdaughter technically right?"
"Probably."
"But she made the host uncomfortable unnecessarily."
"I get that it may be a pain point for her, given her mother passed away, but she was actually being rude."
"The host wanted to share something with her guests that she obviously was proud of, and your stepdaughter called her out in front of everyone."- SirDaemos
"YTA."
"Nara was extremely rude."
"This woman opened up her home and spent time and money to prepare this meal."
"Nara trashed it before she was ate it."
"Maybe you and Nara don't realize this but there are different ways to prepare a cultural dish."
"Not everyone in a particular culture prepares their food the exact same way."
"Maybe the dish tastes similarly to the way it was prepared when the hostess ate it during her travels."
"Your stepdaughter needs to learn graciousness and respect."
"If I pulled something like this when I was her age, my mom would make me write an apology letter to the mom."
"Then she would volunteer our family to host the next team get together and make me do all of the cooking by myself so I would learn to have respect for people who invite me into their home and prepare a meal for me."
"The team captain is also an ungrateful brat."
"If her stepmom is so annoying, she needs to handle the hosting duties for these gatherings herself."- Mother_Tradition_774
While a few had trouble seeing how either the OP or Nara did anything wrong:
"Hey sometimes truth hurts."
"NTA."- HufflepuffPrincess96
"If Nara wanted to speak up and defend a dish from her family's heritage."
"She's welcome to."
"It might be uncomfortable for the person appropriating the culture."
"But it's not rude to point out that if you take all the ingredients and change them, it's no longer that dish."
"12yo's also have zero chill, have you met one?"
"They'll tell you exactly what they think from their fresh eyes."
"And as for OP."
"Not her job to police what her boyfriend's daughter does when she isn't being rude or dangerous."
"NTA."- Sistine25
"NTA."
"If I was making a dish from another heritage, and I swapped out ingredients, sure I'd be a bit embarrassed, but who would I be to tell a young girl that she's wrong about her own heritage, weather her mum was alive or not, I'm not from that heritage, I picked it up from 'travels', that's like going into an Italian restaurant, and thinking you can make their recipes but change it up and then tell them you know their food because you've travelled to Italy."
"Like you said she wasn't being rude she was trying to educate, kids are allowed to educate but most adults can't handle it and just say their 'rude'."- sharn98
Whether or not Nara was being rude is debatable.
However, seeing as their hostess did seem to go to great trouble, and even if the dish she was serving was less than authentic, perhaps she shouldn't have made such a public point of correcting her.
However, seeing as Nara isn't technically, or legally, the OP's child yet, who's to say whether or not the OP has any say in punishing her yet?
Perhaps a needed discussion between the OP and her boyfriend.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp