Planning one’s first baby shower is an exciting moment, but for Redditor Clean_Raspberry7381 it was bittersweet after her mother passed.
The Original Poster (OP) found herself surrounded by two mothers-in-law, but their show of support manifested in opposite ways.
This eventually caused some drama leading the OP to subReddit, “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for not involving my MIL in the planning of my baby shower, but involving my step MIL?”
She went on to tell her story.
“Tw: Death of family”
“So I [20-year-old female] and my husband [20-year-old male] are expecting our first baby. And of course, both of us, and all of our family and friends are excited.”
“Now for some backstory that is important. My mother passed away almost a year ago unexpectedly.”
“I also have two mothers in law, the bio mom of my husband (Macy) and the step mom (Sara). But after the passing of my mom, both MILs had different reactions.”
“Macy never liked my mom, and was quick to try and replace her, saying things like ‘now I’m your only motherly figure’ or referring to herself as ‘mommy’.”
“I’ve never called Macy mom nor mommy, and I’ve only called her by her name.”
“This felt very off putting to me, and i had to ask her over a dozen times to please not say things like that, or to not address herself as my mom.”
“Before this, our relationship was very so-so. We didn’t have a problem with each other, but we weren’t extremely close either. But our relationship quickly deteriorated after my moms passing.”
“Sara was super supportive to me throughout the grieving process. She didn’t know my mom super well, but she wasn’t pushing to be a replacement.”
“She was always there to be a shoulder to cry on, and to help with the overwhelming task of getting everything in order with the funeral and all the fun paperwork that comes with a passing.”
“Our relationship grew a lot after that. We are pretty close now.”
“Now onto the actual story. It came time to plan the baby shower. So I picked some of the most important women in my life (that live in the area and are willing to help/ host the shower).”
“I chose my aunt, my moms best friend, who is like my second mom, and Sara. We all went out to a cafe and got the plans made for the shower.”
“Well, the invites arrived today, so me and my husband hand delivered one to Macy, And she FLIPPED out.”
“Like crying, yelling about how she wanted to plan the shower, and saying that I’m an ah for including Sara and not her. And how I’m including the ‘fake grandma’.”
“Husband says I’m not in the wrong, but the rest of his family on Macys side says we are a couple of ahs.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“Absolutely NTA.”
“Seems to me that Macy is just upset that you don’t see her the same way she sees herself.”
“Furthermore, since she can’t respect your wishes to not make inappropriate comments and references to herself in light of your mother’s death, you don’t owe her anything at all in terms of letting her plan the baby shower.”
“Honestly, she should be happy you’re even inviting her because I don’t know if I would.”
“Also, I’m really glad your husband is supportive of you and thinks you made the right decision.”
“You deserve to be around people who support and uplift you when you need it, not people who like to bolster themselves at the cost of disrespecting a recently deceased family member.”
“I hope things get better between you and her eventually, but you’re definitely NTA.” – raciemay197
“NTA. Sara sounds like a wonderful woman, plus you trust and respect her. It’s totally reasonable to me that you have a better relationship to Sara over Macy.”
“Macy has been overbearing. Worst of all, Macy doesn’t and won’t respect your boundaries after being told many times. Good luck and wishing you all the best!” – nickyfox13
“NTA. Tell MIL and the people siding with her that their reaction is exactly why you are distancing yourself from her.”
“All of this is your business, not theirs. How you deal with your mother passing, your relationships with other people, and your baby shower are all yours to define.”
“Relationships are mutually consensual, but MIL is forcing her way into your life, and trying to replace your mother. That’s wrong, it’s offensive; there’s even a certain violence to it.” – Owl_plantain
“NTA”
“Macy has some serious control issues and things aren’t panning out like she wants them too.”
“What’s your partner’s take on his mother? She sounds very controlling, and you may have some difficult behaviour to put up with as you move further in your pregnancy and after the baby is born.”
“You’re going to have to set some boundaries and stick them. If she’s not careful she’s not going to have a relationship with her grandchild.”
“And she is not owed a relationship with any of your children regardless of the fact she birthed their father.”
“Your next issue is going to be her wanting to be there when the child is born.. and then wanting to stay with you to ‘help’ when you come home.”
“Look up narcissism and see if her behaviour matches. Keep her on an information diet as the less she knows the less she has to get upset about.” – KitchenDismal9258
“NTA. You are due in Sept 3 – in three months. If Macy wanted to plan your shower, she should have been planning you a shower.”
“It sounds like she had zero intentions to throw you a shower but is now trying to save face because Sara is involved.”
“Either that, or she is the worst planner in the world who seriously thought she still had time to plan and throw a shower this late in your pregnancy.”
“ETA: My condolences on the loss of your mother. I’m glad you have an ally and a real grandma in Sara.” – PotatoLover-3000
“NTA”
“Oh my goodness, she’s on her way to being the NC Grandma with that type of tantrum! What a horrible way to speak about someone!”
“Listen to the words she’s saying right now OP. She’s going to use those hurtful words with your children too.”
“Start putting up those boundaries now to protect your future children OP.” – Standard-Park
“Absolutely NTA. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with the backlash from Macy, especially after those disgusting comments about being your only mom now.”
“Like who in their right mind says something like that to someone who has just lost their mother?”
“I lost my own mother a few years ago very suddenly as well, and would have absolutely raged out on anyone who said something like that to me, so I commend you for keeping your cool in this situation, I do not think I would have been able to.”
“I definitely agree with some other commenters that it would have been nice of your husband to have informed Macy himself, sparing you the brunt of the backlash, but hindsight is 20/20 and all that.”
“Even though she’s been weird, it doesn’t sound like you guys expected her to fly off the handle about this.”
“To the main point though, again, NTA. This is your and your husband’s child. You two get to decide who gets to help you and with what.”
“No one else is entitled to any kind of involvement with either you or your child.”
“The fact that her family is backing her on this is baffling to me. I don’t understand how they can’t see she’s being unreasonable.”
“It’s also not like she can’t throw another shower if she wanted to do it so badly.”
“And to reiterate another comment I read, you’re only three mos out from the due date, and she has yet to being planning anything?”
“It doesn’t sound like she had actually planned on throwing you a shower herself but is instead throwing a temper tantrum over not getting to be in the spotlight.”
“Hopefully she gets over herself, but if not, just continue to move forward with your head held high, and continue only to allow people who truly have your and your family’s best interests at heart in your inner circle.”
“I wish you and your baby nothing but luck and health on your upcoming delivery. Congratulations 🖤” – aireeinn
“NTA! And don’t let anyone make you feel like you are. This woman sounds like a narcissist, and the fact that you have your husband’s full support means he knows it.”
“The only thing that matters is that you have your husband’s support and that you and baby are happy and healthy!”
“I would tell her either she stops being so selfish, or she will not be welcome at the baby shower, and visits with baby after it arrives will be limited if at all until she complies.”
“It’s ok to cut toxic people put. Even family. Also, I am very sorry for your loss, and very happy you have at least one MIL who treats you with love and respect!”
“Best of luck to you, hubby and baby! 💕” – klaurene
Best wishes to the mom-to-be and her chosen family.