Despite it being 2023, period shaming is still a serious problem that people face around menstruating, period pain, and product accessibility.
That said, another person shouldn't necessarily have to interact with a person's period without giving their consent, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
While visiting her mother-in-law's home for multiple family events, Redditor Plastic-Ad-5568 was unequipped for her period to start early, especially with her menstruation complications.
When her mother-in-law wanted her to make the long drive home, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to accommodate her own needs.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for free bleeding at my Mother-in-Law's house?"
The OP believed in "free bleeding" while menstruating.
"To start, free bleeding is essentially not wearing any form of protection on your period (so you are bleeding freely; the clue's in the name)."
"I'm currently staying at my Mother-in-Law's (MIL's) house with my husband for a family get-together (there are six birthdays in one week)."
The OP struggled in the past to find feminine products that worked for her.
"I have horrifically painful periods and bad mobility."
"I cannot use cups and am allergic to all brands of pads I've used (causing rashes on all genitalia, which does not feel good)."
"I do have cloth pads but I only brought a couple of small ones for my trip as I wasn't due until days after we got home, but we're on day four of our trip, and I started my period on our first night."
"I tried to use some disposable pads I picked up, but I broke out in a rash and have blisters everywhere they should not be, so two days ago, I decided to say what the h**l and free bleed as I do at home."
"I bring my own towels to my MIL's, so I have been sitting and sleeping on those. I have bled through twice but cleaned the mess and left no stain."
The OP's mother-in-law was thoroughly disgusted.
"My MIL is p**sed off, to say the least."
"She's disgusted by my lack of decorum and carrying my bloody towel around everywhere. She also hates that I'm washing them in her machines and is now saying we need to pay to have them professionally cleaned (which we will do)."
"Everything kinda came to a head last night when she lost it on me for 'behaving like an animal.'"
"She wants me to leave but for my husband stay, which isn't possible (we only have one car, and I can't drive that far, especially not with the amount of pain I'm in)."
The OP felt conflicted after that.
"My husband is doing damage control, but I just feel so s**tty."
"Am I in the wrong here? I understand that it's not super sanitary, but my health matters more than some bed sheets. I'll replace them if she wants."
"I'm close to just gritting my teeth through the pain and putting a pad on, but I really don't want to. I don't want open sores down there when we're driving home. Sitting for that long will suck."
"Am I in the wrong here? I feel like I'm choosing the lesser of two evils, but now I don't know."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were shocked anyone was calling the OP the AH.
"NTA. OP, I highly suggest you update your post with the following details that I've read in your comments:"
"You've been SITTING IN YOUR ROOM FOR 10+ HOURS A DAY, have not sat anywhere, you're bleeding into towels, facing pain, six hours away from home, are FORCED TO GO OUT OF THE ROOM BY YOUR MIL because she won't allow you to eat on the room you're confined into, and the only reason why you're not leaving is because your husband wants to see his dying grandfather before you guys leave."
"Your MIL is not disgusted by your clothes because you're going around the place bleeding carelessly, but because you have to change them even when you're confined in your room, and you're not literally bleeding on the floor or the furniture, you're bleeding inside your room's bathroom."
"I think adding this to your post will help clarify some opinions in the comments."
"Your MIL is shaming you while you're doing what you can. The only reason the rest of the family found out about your bleeding is because MIL is also shaming you in front of your husband's family. She's clearly an a**hole."
"I'm also deeply sorry about what you're going through."
"For those people that are comparing period bleeding to going to the bathroom, it's not the same at all. I understand that no one wants someone deliberately bleeding all over any of their furniture or bed sheets, whatever kind of bleeding that may be, but that's literally not what you're doing."
"Even if you wore pads, you could've accidentally bleed through a couple of times. And the women that are comparing their periods to yours are truly not helping at all."
"I, for once, just found out at 28 years of age there are period panties by scrolling through these comments (granted, I do live in a third-world country). And I wouldn't dare try them in your situation, risking more blisters or a possible infection. I don't care what anyone else says about those because all hoohaas are unique and we can't hold someone else to our own bodily standard."
"Lastly, I think your husband shouldn't allow your MIL to mistreat you. To me that is a deal breaker (that could be just me, you do you), and I think you should have a serious talk about this once things calm down a little bit." - Special-Succotash-64
"I think NTA. Yes, you're doing this in someone else's house, but this was NOT intentional, and you physically cannot control your period or your allergies."
"I understand both sides, but I think in this situation you are not the a**hole." - Hot_Brush988
"I struggle the same with these products, and the best alternative I could find was period pants. Is there any way you could get them overnighted from Amazon or go to a Walmart that carries them? For future events maybe?"
"I mean, this is a big struggle, and not being able to sit because you're in so much pain from blisters, and then not being able to stand because of cramps... I feel like 'cramps' is too mild of a words..."
"How about the fires of Mount Doom is burning your uterus from the inside out in waves, while a velociraptor is actively mauling you in the back, and then if that's not enough; shooting pains in your legs that are so painful, each step you take feels like you've impaled your leg on a six-foot blade."
"You've been accommodating and trying not to damage her things with the best equipment you have at your disposal and offered to pay any damages. It came early and you tried your best."
"Periods should not be shamed and she seems to be from a generation that was taught that it is some sort of dirty thing. It was just an unfortunate f**k-you from mother nature that it came early. I hate that for you."
"NTA for having your period but you need to respect another person's house." - Appropriate_Dirt_285
"HOLY S**T. I can't believe people are calling you the a**hole."
"This isn't you free bleeding at some stranger's house. This is your MIL who is your FAMILY. You're having a biological function you have no control over, and it's unfair to be in pain just because people feel icky about blood."
"NTA strongly. There are so many reasons why period products don't work for people or why constant leakage happens."
"I remember when my friend free-bled at a party. They just had something they were going to the OB-GYN to figure out still. She sat on a plastic bag and it didn't bother anyone. People have things going on with health and no one gets to pass judgment on that."
"I think it's disgusting how your MIL shamed you. Would she rather you be in pain? Period blood is not that dramatic. It's one small cup coming out through the course of a day. Easily absorbed by a towel."
"This woman is your family. If I had a daughter-in-law who had to free bleed due to health reasons, I would not question it. It's common to experience wacky periods for all kinds of reasons including sexual trauma. She should not have spoken the way she did to you." - gigpig
"No, you're NTA, and wow, to all these people who have no idea what this medical issue is like."
"Until I had a hysterectomy, I bled so heavily that it turned cancerous twice, I frequently had blood transfusions, and was in tremendous pain all the time. No medication could stop it, and, in fact, gave me dangerous blood clots. No amount of sanitary products could contain it (though I tried; I wasn't allergic)."
"People didn't take me seriously, so I've had to work my jobs through bleeding to the point of delivering presentations while it ran down my legs, or getting it on my office floor, or getting it onto the seat during a flight. I've ruined clothes, furniture, the seat of my car, sheets, towels, etc. It took 20 years of this before I could get the hysterectomy."
"She wants the washing machine professionally cleaned? Seriously? That's f**king ridiculous. And sitting on a towel… what does she think menstrual pads are?"
"Menstruation and women's bodies aren't gross. Would people be so quick to judge if this was a man with colon cancer wearing a colostomy bag?"
"What a lack of empathy. What a betrayal by another woman. Go home, and don't bother having relationships with people who are disgusted by you having a disability that you can't control. I hope you find some relief for your menstrual problems." - ShoeWonderful5905
But others couldn't believe the OP thought she could possibly be NTA.
"NTA. I also feel it's reasonable to s**t on the carpet because the toilet seat is cold." - Accomplished-Tax-886
"That's so f**king disgusting; I can't. I do not know on what planet OP thinks they're NTA."
"Blood is considered a biohazard. Walking around in it all over clothes and then a wet towel that she continues to sit on is… I cannot."
"The sight, the smell, this is just offensive. Periods are totally normal, but 'free bleeding' is unsanitary and frankly disgusting."
"Next-day shipping is a thing. Go home or order what you need. Just going 'f**k it' in someone else's home is completely unacceptable (and pretty gross in one's own). In this case, I can't understand how your husband ISN'T siding with his mother."
"YTA." - birdsofpaper
"The point in 'creating all the extra laundry' is so that you're not bleeding all over someone else's home. That's disgusting for others and you're being very selfish."
"The fact that you think there's even a chance that you're NTA in this situation is actually insane."
"It is a biohazard, and you're not willing to do everything you can to not bleed all over her house. You have options: Leave (both you and your husband), go stay at a hotel, or create extra laundry. This really is a no-brainer."
"I feel for your medical issues, but now you're making it other people's issue." - nagem-
"My first knee-jerk reaction was, 'Oh my god, how gross,' and then it was, 'Dang, I kinda feel a little bad for her,' which I'm sure is the main reaction she wanted everyone to have so as to vote her NTA."
"But then it's followed by, 'Wow, that'd be so embarrassing...' Even as an adult with grown kids, I try to hide the fact that I'm on my period from everyone, down to discreetly tucking used feminine products under tp in the trash IN MY OWN HOME."
"I couldn't imagine walking around with a bloody towel to sit on at someone else's home so EVERYONE KNOWS."
"What the f**k. YTA." - AssignmentFit461
"I was thinking at first NTA, but it's pretty rude and unsanitary to just free bleed in someone else's home. So YTA."
"I also think you should try the other period products, which you hadn't mentioned, like tampons and period underwear." - Lama-Lover-233
Everyone could empathize with period pain, other complications, and even the OP not being properly equipped for her period to start early while hours away from her home.
But most argued that this was not reason enough to go the route of free bleeding in someone else's home, especially without their consent.
There were other products that the OP could try that could be overnight shipped, or else, maybe this was a situation where attending all of those birthday parties simply wasn't a possibility.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp