Asking friends for help when you need it can be very challenging.
And feeling like you should help out a friend in need even if you don't want to can be just as conflicting.
But in extreme circumstances, is it ok to reject a request for help even if you have the means to make a difference?
Redditor 001yess recently clashed with a friend in need, so she turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to see if she was in the wrong for her actions.
She asked:
"AITA for not letting my homeless friend move in because I hate her kid?"
The original poster (OP) explained her personal history and the significance her current house holds.
"Obviously there are a lot of variables to the story. I'm 24F(emale) and I have been working since I was 16."
"My dad passed away on my 17th birthday but prior to his passing, he taught me everything there was to know. He was a jack of all trades."
"I have done electric, plumbing, mechanic work, concrete and basic carpentry."
"My dad and I always loved this one house that had been on the market since I was super young. He always said that one day it would be ours."
"When he passed, we got an insurance settlement. When I turned 18, I bought that house outright."
"My mom didn't come with me because it was too much for her to process but she lives right up the road. So since I was 18 I have been picking away at this house little by little."
"There was a lot of work to be done and it would be so much easier if my dad was still here to help but hey, we finally got our house."
The OP then described how past experiences with her friend's daughter shaped her decision.
"My friend has a 11-year-old kid. I have never been a fan of her due to the fact that at her age she still throws herself on the floor at supermarkets, screaming bloody murder when she doesn't get her way."
"She is an embarrassment, to say the least. But I tried with her. I tried to like her despite all her tantrums and entitlement."
"One year she asked me for one of those really expensive doll houses (like $500) and I got it, just to have her turn around and bust it 20 minutes later for being the 'wrong color'."
"The tip of the iceberg was when I was conned into taking her one day when I was visiting my 7yo brother in the hospital who was just diagnosed with cancer at that time (he's good now) and when she saw him laying in that hospital bed all doped up, she immediately said 'What a drama queen. He is obviously faking it'."
"I dropped her off and never took her again. I'm disgusted by her."
After the OP's friend asked if she and her daughter could stay with her, the OP told her the blunt truth.
"So my friend just became homeless. She didn't tell me the variables that caused this but she's homeless regardless."
"She calls me up and asks if she and her kid can come live with me for awhile. I didn't mean for it to come off as harsh as it did but my response was 'Nope. I've seen how your child acts and I'm not having her destroy the one place that reminds me of my father or interrupting my solitude for not getting her way. Sorry'."
"Again, I didn't mean for it to be that harsh but that's how it happened regardless."
"So she flips out. Says I'm trying to make out like her kid is satan."
"She knows what her kid said to my brother too and said that her kid didn't mean it, which makes it worse in my eyes. She is telling everyone that I am a POS (piece of sh*t) for allowing her child to be homeless when I have the means to accommodate (the house has 6 bedrooms)."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
They didn't blame the OP for not wanting to live with that toxicity.
"This kid's upbringing is the main problem here, most children that behave like this could be good kids if only they were raised right."
"The parent is a clear problem and heck no, OP should not set themselves up for the misery that life with this pair would be."
"Imagine if they established tenant's rights/squatter's rights! OP might have to pay big money to get rid of them."
"This is a problem that's best avoided by placing crosses all over the house and not allowing Not Satan and Not the Child of Satan inside."—ImFinePleaseThanks
"Yup. All of this! NTA OP and don't let them in."
"Although I'm having a hard time blaming the child and parent (about child's behavior—attempting to freeload off of a friend is a different matter), IF the parent is the same age as OP: I can't imagine having a child at 13."
"IF that's the case, the parent/friend was still a kid trying to be a mom, and I doubt the child would grow up with the same structure and guidance needed."
"That being said, there is no excuse for either of them at 11/24. School would also teach 11 how to interact/behave socially, and 24 is close to the age of really accepting adulthood."—AllTheT1
"NTA but I might be biased because I can't stand kids. The kid has proven herself to be entitled, bratty, and destructive. I wouldn't want that in my home, either."
"Your story about your dad made me teary eyed. Good for you for being able to buy the house, I'm sure your dad would have been super proud of you."—XStonedCatX
Some thought the timing of the friend's request was a bit suspicious.
"NTA. Call me cynical, but it's too much of a coincidence that your friend became homeless just when you finished renovating your house."—NanaLeonie
"Hi cynical! I'm jaded! I thought the exact same thing."—dontgetcutewithme
"It definitely isn't a coincidence. Her friend knows OP is all alone in an, apparently, 6-bedroom house. She isn't looking for a layover, she's looking to squat on OP's good graces as long as she can."
"Someone who would pawn off a kid on a person going into the hospital to see a child who's sick with cancer...This is not a considerate, thoughtful adult who will know now to overstay their welcome. This is not someone who pays rent and becomes a good tenant over time."
"This is not someone who's grateful for a friend who has already reached the end of their tether with your child."
"If this kills the friendship so be it, it's a hill worth dying on."—Dirtydirtyf*g
To not disclose how she became homeless was another red flag for some.
"The friend didn't tell OP as to why or how she is homeless. She didn't even bother to make up excuses."
"Definitely prying on her home. NTA."—wutt-m-i-thinkin
"I think it is extremely important to know why the mother and child are homeless. Did the child cause property damage at their old unit?"
"Did the mom just quit paying rent because she's bad with money?"
"Did the mom not have money because she was irresponsible at her job and got fired?"
"Just some examples of why it is important to know why the mom is homeless before even considering letting them move in. I mean, a landlord wouldn't rent to someone without doing a background check, and OP is in essence in a position to become their landlord."
"Nevertheless, OP, NTA and I wouldn't let them move in (especially since the mom demanded, not asked and got crappy when turned down). The entitlement is breathtaking."—HerBlondeness
A few even thought the OP should consider calling Child Protective Services.
"I love children but I still agree. OP has tried to be a good friend but the mother is an irresponsible parent who is enabling her child."
"That is not normal behavior for even a 4-year-old and the child needs therapy. If I were OP, I would consider contacting a social worker or CPS to provide her friend with the support she needs to raise her daughter and find a home."—HotAudience6110
"Kid is 11 and was enabled to this behavior by mom. Point the finger in that direction. Call CPS."
"Apply some pressure to mom so she gets her act together and ends this BS enabling behavior.
"'She is just a kid'- yeah, my a**. If you don't teach your kid empathy and good behavior, kid will end up that way."
"10 cookies she only regurgitated the things her mom said. Kids do that. So OP, look out for her mom."
"Kid is the lesser evil here and can STILL be mended (not saying it should be you, but she def should grow up somewhere else....)"—SpinachSpinosaurus
The responses certainly give the OP a lot to consider. But it sounds like it may be best if she sticks to her guns and does what she thinks is best for the sake of her own mental health.
Hopefully the friend and her daughter can find another resource to help them out of their current predicament.
If you or a loved one are experiencing homelessness, the National Alliance to End Homelessness provides helpful resources and information on their website.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.