Remaining friends with your ex is a very natural thing for many of us, but others often have very strong opinions about it.
A woman on Reddit experienced this when her wife’s family balked at including her ex-wife, with whom she is still close, in their vacation plans.
She wasn’t sure about how she’d handled things, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by the name Agitated-Student-810 on the site, asked:
“AITA for inviting me ex-wife on a family vacation?”
She explained:
“My wife and I are going on a family vacation with her son, her parents, and her siblings to the Greek islands. It’s a place my wife and I talked about visiting on our very first date and have saved up lots of money to go.”
“My ex-wife and I are still very close, we had 3 kids together but sadly all 3 passed away. I still consider her my family and I’ve known her almost my whole life so after our divorce, there were no hard feelings. She is also like an aunt to my step-son and is also very good friends with my current wife and I.”
“My step-son asked me if we could bring my ex-wife on our family vacation with us since she’s family. I thought about it for a while and I decided why not ask her. Her and her boyfriend had recently broken up and she’s been pretty beaten down the last few weeks so I thought a little vacation for her would help her out a lot and get somethings off her mind and relax for a bit.”
“I asked my wife and she said happy to have her come along. I asked my ex-wife if she would like to join us and she was hesitant at first because she didn’t want to intrude but she eventually agreed a was more than excited to come along. She offered to buy her own plane ticket and hotel room but my wife and I insisted that we would take care of it for her, she was incredibly great full and she’s started packing.”
“My wife’s mother had come over to our house and saw I had one extra plane ticket on the counter than what we were supposed to have and I told her that my ex-wife was coming. She blew up in my face and told me I’m making everyone very uncomfortable by inviting her and that nobody even knows her. Also accused me of planning to cheat on my wife by the inviting her on this trip.”
“She called me an a**hole for being my ex-wife on a family trip. She also said that she’s no longer my family since were divorced and have no kids together, I yelled a whole bunch of sh*t in her face that I don’t even remember. She stormed out of my house and now everyone is calling to say they don’t want to go on the trip anymore and now my wife is very upset.”
“I was just trying to do something nice for someone who was struggling at the moment, I didn’t think inviting one person would cause everyone to pull out. They are literally going on a free vacation and the plane refundable.”
“I’m starting to feel like an a**hole because now my wife is very upset that her family isn’t going and we’ve spend all this money on this trip. And to make things worse my ex-wife texts me saying she’s all packed for tomorrow and how excited and great full she is that we invited her.”
“So AITA?”
“Also wanted to mention, that I’m a female. I don’t think I mentioned that and I just didn’t want people thinking I was a man.”
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Verdict
“NTA you had good intentions BUT… if you’re going to invite someone on a vacation you planned with a bunch of people – it’s probably best to check with everyone beforehand. That includes your in laws. MIL is being unreasonable and insulting af, still she should have been consulted beforehand, maybe the whole thing wouldn’t have blown up like that then.” –Saikathecasual
“…Op and her wife are funding the trip, and honestly if I was paying for everyone there’s no consulting with anyone on who I decide to invite (except the significant other that is also paying which OP did). It’d be a take it or leave it, you can join or not situation.”
“Also, someone not paying throwing a hiss fit over something like this…..choosing beggars much? And the EXTREMELY low blow of bringing up children that have passed (considering not one but three children gives me the impression it was very tragic) would be an automatic disinvite from my trip that I’m planning and I would be lc for the foreseeable future.” –management_sucks
“So let me get this straight: the idea to invite her came from your stepson in the first place, and (having checked with her before extending the invitation) your wife was totally fine with it, and in fact insisted on you two paying her way? Then yeah, NTA.”
“Assuming everything is as you’ve described, she’s part of your extended family unit. It’s not unreasonable for your wife’s family to perhaps feel a little awkward, but if your wife told them she’s comfortable with it, that should be the end of it. Your MIL was certainly way out of line with her intense overreaction.”
“(Also as a queer person myself can I just say with the utmost affection and respect that your whole family situation is possibly the most lesbian thing I’ve ever heard of [complimentary]. I’m glad you and your ex are still friendly, I’m glad your ex and your wife are friends, and I’m glad your son has an aunt in her. Found family is extremely good and real, and it sounds from this little snippet that you’ve assembled a good one)” –_higglety
“The only people that should be concerned about this is your immediate family, and if the person that would probably be the most uncomfortable with it (i.e. your wife) is fine with your ex coming, that is all that matters. Your children are also fine with this too.”
“Your wife’s mother has absolutely no say regarding who you can invite and not invite. Your immediate family is okay with this and she is completely out of line for acting the way she did.”
“NTA” –protogenic_
“NTA – you cleared it with your wife first (really the ONLY person who should care about this), and then you asked your ex. Everyone was happy.”
“Given that your in-laws don’t really know your ex – and the fact that it’s REALLY unusual to invite your ex on a vacation like this – I could understand them being a little confused and upset. But for your MIL to throw out a needlessly cruel statement like “you have no kids together” is…. beyond the pale. I would have lost my sh*t too.” –MindDeep2823
“NTA”
“Your MIL was out of order, and she could have handled things a bit more diplomatically (some could also say that you could have too, but unfortunately your MIL overstepped the mark and made a very unnecessary remark that has emotional history which naturally blew diplomacy out of the window from your side).”
“When I first read the title I thought I was about to read a story about someone inviting their ex wife on holiday without their current wife’s knowledge or permission but that’s not the case here at all and as you have permission from those who would be most affected it by it, you are NTA!”
“That could have been explained to your MIL by your wife if she had acted a bit more reasonably.”
“And now the holiday is partially ruined and money wasted due to one overdramatic MIL 😞” –hotphoenixfeathers
“Wow- mega, mega NTA. I’m A) sorry you lost your kids from your previous marriage- As a mom that’s nothing if not my worst nightmare. You are clearly a strong and amazing woman. There’s nothing anyone can say to make that better.”
“B) MIL is clearly wrapped up in her preconceived ideas of what marriage/ commitment means for her and assumes that other peoples idea of “family” is the same for everyone. She’s definitely wrong and I’d (were I in your bada** shoes) consider sitting her down and giving her some context and helping her come to a more productive and positive place of understanding, as her daughter already seems to have. Hopefully she will realize your actions come from a place of love and community, not underhanded betrayal.”
“C) I wonder if MIL wasn’t betrayed at some point and is projecting? D) We build our weird little families with people we love and trust. The fact that your wife gets this (and clearly she does) means she’s pretty amazing.”
“My ex and current bfs are actually really tight. They both help when things happen around the house when I don’t have the time/ energy to cope, and my son gets on with both of them- I’ll conclude with this: As someone already in a minority, you know as well as I do too; barrel through (not ignore) the judgements of those that don’t understand.”
“Be awesome to people you care about, and do your best to help others understand. If they can’t, they can’t- but their opinions of you do not define you. You do.” –SilentCitadel
Hopefully OP can still enjoy her vacation.