Surprises are great, right?
The thrill of a shocking, joyous surprise can really change the whole course of your day.
Sometimes though, a surprise isn't necessarily the best idea - particularly when the results of the surprise are life-changing.
So, what happens when your reaction to a life-altering surprise isn't what was hoped for?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Unexpectedlymarried when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for leaving my surprise wedding because I felt blindsided?"
OP got right to the issue at hand.
"Last week, I (30F) was invited to a supposedly fancy party by my longtime boyfriend, Mark (32M)."
"We had been dating for five years, and while we had discussed marriage before, there were no immediate plans for a wedding."
"Excited about the event, I dressed up in my best attire and arrived at the designated venue."
"As I entered the grand hall, I was completely taken aback to see all of our family, friends, and acquaintances gathered, eagerly waiting."
"It turns out, Mark had orchestrated an elaborate surprise wedding for us without my knowledge."
"Everyone erupted into applause as I stood there, shocked and overwhelmed."
"I just felt a mix of emotions."
"While I love Mark and had dreamed of our future together, the idea of getting married without any prior discussion or consent felt like a breach of trust."
She tried to explain her concerns.
"So, I pulled Mark aside and tried to express my concerns and reservations about the surprise wedding."
"I explained that I wanted a say in the planning process, to be part of the decision-making, and to have the chance to prepare mentally and emotionally for such a significant milestone in our lives."
"However, Mark dismissed my concerns, saying that he thought it would be a romantic gesture and that I would be thrilled."
"In that moment, I faced a difficult choice go along with the surprise wedding, putting on a smile despite feeling unsettled, or stand up for my autonomy and voice my true feelings."
Choices had to be made.
"I ultimately made the decision not to proceed with the surprise wedding, much to the disappointment and confusion of our guests."
"Now, I find myself at odds with Mark, our families, and even some of our friends who believe I overreacted and spoiled a beautiful moment."
"However, I firmly believe that a marriage should be a joint decision, with open communication and shared expectations."
"Everyone's excuse for this is I have always talked about marrying Mark."
"And again the problem isn't marrying him, the problem is not having any say in my wedding."
"Mark thought I'd appreciate it, because I always spoke about how stressful planning a wedding must be. Yes, I think it's stressful, it is but I'd still like planning one!"
"After this whole ordeal everyone asked if Mark and I were ending things, in which I replied no."
"I emphasized towards them and Mark I still wanted to marry him, and most feel like this is making me more of an a**hole since I just wasted a perfectly fine wedding."
OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for refusing to attend my own surprise wedding, even though it was intended as a romantic gesture?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were direct.
'"I firmly believe that a marriage should be a joint decision, with open communication and shared expectations."'
"So do I. NTA." ~ NightOwlEye
"'Now, I find myself at odds with Mark, our families, and even some of our friends who believe I overreacted and spoiled a beautiful moment."'
"Agreed."
"I would be livid if someone put me in this manipulative position, and then didn't respect my decision."
"I honestly don't see how these two can move on from here." ~ Electrical-Date-3951
Others pointed to the larger social problems at play.
"I agree!"
"I hate the term 'overreact' so much."
"She didn't overreact, she reacted."
"Clearly the moment wasn't 'beautiful' to her."
"I hate how her feelings aren't even considered here." ~ AnthropomorphicSeer
"Can you imagine how people would react if a woman in a relationship planned an entire wedding before they were engaged and surprised her boyfriend with it?"
"People wouldn't hesitate to call her a psycho, but yet when a man does this it's deemed 'romantic' by an alarming number of people."
"This whole scenario is horrendous." ~ tienna
The deeper implications.
"Seriously?!"
"Like who out of your family and friends is crazy like him?"
"No one thought to suggest to him this is maybe a bad idea?"
"That it might be one event that should never be a surprise?"
"No one thought to even poke a small conversation with you about, 'Hey, how serious are you about wanting to marry Mark? Would you marry him tomorrow? Would you ever elope?'"
"Just, get some of your feelings on the subject. Anything?"
"NTA OP, and don't forget that him making a decision like that means something."
"It means something about your future if you stay together. It means something about how he sees and respects you."
"And his reaction to you about your reaction, that means something too."
"If he really did have only the best of intentions, and you said you were uncomfortable, he should be falling over himself apologizing."
"Doesn't sound like he is."
"Sounds like he's invalidating your emotions and doubling down on being right. That's the future with this guy."
'"Oh, you don't want to move to x new city for my new job I took without consulting you?"'
"'Well your feeling on it doesn't matter. You've always said I should get a higher paying job. Why would you want to stand in the way of that?"'
'"We're moving, job starts next week."' ~ believehype1616
"I feel like I could potentially believe that he wanted to do something nice and romantic for the OP."
"But I'm less sympathetic towards his reaction afterwards. Instead of accepting the OP's wishes, he chose to make it about himself and get offended because she didn't appreciate his grand gesture."
"I don't think this means that the relationship is hopeless but the OP's partner needs to own up to their mistake and have a good think about who he is really doing this gesture for." ~ pubcrawlerdtes
Not everyone was on OP's side.
"YTA, along with your edit you:"
"Talk about marrying all the time, and specifically about marrying Mark"
"Told Mark continually about how stressful planning a wedding would be"
"Love love love surprises"
"So Mark, being a fawking SAINT, I might add, puts 1, 2, and 3 together in a beautiful and selfless moment...and you smash it to bits because he 'violated your autonomy'".
"He is leaving, no doubt at all."
"It seems like tons of commenters feel differently, but OP is sending the most mixed signals I have ever read about."
"This wasn't even the official or legal wedding....they could have done that in a few months."
"This was like a reception with family to celebrate a beautiful moment." ~ Suspicious_Truth647
"YTA IFF it was abundantly clear to both of you that you will be getting married and iff you really really loved surprises(updated info by you in the post)."
"Mark had thought of a standard marriage later and did this just for the surprise since you love those."
"He organized such a hectic event on his own just because you like surprises."
"He is a keeper."
"Now you might not have liked this specific surprise but that doesnt mean Mark's intentions were wrong ( as a lot of A**holes here seem to be concluding)."
"In marriage there will be many such occasions where your partner will do something for you, with the sole objective of your happiness."
"The thought matters." ~ bhaijee
She did return with some final thoughts.
"I previously omitted this from my post because of the subreddit's word count guidelines."
"I love surprises it's a thing everyone has known me to love."
"Mark knowing that, the fact I wanted to marry him, and said wedding planning was stressful thought a surprise wedding would be perfect."
"A surprise engagement is bland, because it will always be a surprise but not a wedding lol."
"He threw this 'wedding' for the surprise but explained how in a couple of days we could do a courthouse wedding to make it legal, this was his only way to surprise me."
"I love spontaneity, but legal marriage or not, I wanted a say in my wedding."
"To choose the perfect date, to choose my bridesmaids, to pick out my cake."
"Again due to these thoughts everyone thinks I'm the a-hole, because I could have gone along with the party, and do a redo legal wedding. But again, I felt blindsided and confused, so I left."
Change can be difficult to grasp, even when you've had months to make the adjustments.
So, when a major change - even a happy one - is thrust on you at the last moment, our reactions may not be fantastic.
Surprises are fantastic.
Until they aren't.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.