No matter if it's for fun or necessity, shopping can be anxiety-inducing.
Maybe it's leftover PTSD from Covid binge retail.
But some people can't handle running up and down the aisles.
And some people have an issue with being seen by people they know.
Maybe that's more about being in public.
There is much to discuss here.
Case in point...
Redditor Putesfhk wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for laughing at my cousin after she had an absolute melt down after her boss saw her buying toilet paper at Costco?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"First post ever on this sub so using a throwaway."
"Yesterday I tagged along with my cousin on her trip to Costco."
"She has always been very high-strung but for the most part, we were having a nice time."
"As we were in the checkout line a very pleasant man in his 50s or 60s came over and said hello."
"My cousin introduced him as the man who owns the company she works for."
"I sort of stood by as they had normal small talk and he even complimented her on helping out with a huge sale event though she's not in sales."
"And he said that they were still working out what the bonus was going to be but it was going to be more than they initially thought."
"I mean all and all, it seemed like a great interaction to have with a boss when you see them out in public."
"Shortly after he left she started almost hyperventilating saying 'Oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe that just happened.'"
"I had no idea what she was talking about and then she started saying 'We have to leave, we have to get out of here, that was horrible.'"
"I said I had $300 worth of groceries and I can't come to Costco, I can't leave."
"She actually walked away and sat down in the food court and I was still so lost but her leaving caused an even bigger scene because I had to go find her because I needed to scan her membership card."
"She was in absolute hysterics at this point and even the cashier asked if she was ok and if they could get her some water."
"We paid and walked out and she appeared to be so physically weak I told her to lay down in the back seat and I would load everything and drive."
"As I was driving I finally asked her what was going on and she screamed at me 'My boss just saw me buying toilet paper!!! Do you know how humiliating that is?'"
"I actually thought I misheard her so I said 'Wait this whole thing is over toilet paper?'"
"She screamed 'Yes I'm probably going to get fired!!'"
"I asked her if she seriously thought she was going to get fired for buying toilet paper."
"She said yes, and that she can't let anyone at work know her private life."
"I told her I doubt he even noticed and I also doubt he thinks about her bathroom habits, but he also probably assumes she sh**s and pi**es like everyone else."
"Then she screamed back 'Your job is so easy, you couldn't possibly understand how much pressure I'm under at work… I'm going to lose it.'"
"At this point, I lost it and started laughing harder than I knew was possible."
"Not only was it ridiculous but I felt like she was attacking me and instead of going back and forth, i felt finding the humor was the way to go."
"She said 'You're actually laughing at me? You are such an a**hole. I do you a huge favor and you're laughing at me?'"
"She got to my house and dropped me off and sped off with my groceries."
"I called my Aunt to make sure they got at least put in the fridge."
"My aunt said my cousin overreacted but I'll probably need to apologize to be able to get my stuff."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Holy crap, your cousin uses TOILET PAPER?!?"
"As in… she goes to the BATHROOM?!?!"
"Yes, she'll definitely get fired as her boss will never be able to look at her without imagining her on the toilet."
"So sad, but she's the only person in the entire world who produces bodily waste and it's just too difficult to get our minds around that."
"Obviously, NTA, as that's stupid AF, but perhaps you invited her rage by making her feel every ounce of the stupidity she deserved."
"She was clearly overreacting, but, unless she's a known faker, those huge feelings were real and she probably felt like she deserved to keep the shred of dignity she had left after making such a scene." ~ SunshineShoulders87
"Like he's never noticed any of them going into the bathrooms?"
"The scene she caused (if he saw it) would be the reason to question her sanity."
"She's beyond high-strung and may need to start talking to someone about her issues."
"Sounds like this was a lot more than her boss seeing her toilet paper given her comments about the stresses of her job." ~ rainyhawk
"My old boss would go on and on and on about how stressful the job was, how she had to work all weekend, how everything had to be absolutely perfect."
"She would freak out all the time."
"No one cares except her."
"The company's owner had no idea what was going on until they were informed."
"Everything was always fine."
"And when it wasn't fine, she was waaaaay too much of a mess to fix any of it, so problem-solving always fell to me."
"It sounds like OP's cousin is making herself miserable and stressed."
"I mean if she gets this stressed over toilet paper…"
"Although, OP, she's not high-strung."
"It sounds like she has pretty severe anxiety and probably needs professional help." ~ Uhwhateverokay
"Agreed. Professional help in the form of counseling and medication both."
"I'm not saying that to be flippant either."
"Her reaction was so incredibly disproportionate that I understand OP's reaction. NTA." ~ UCgirl
"As someone who has struggled with anxiety, 'those huge feelings were real' is such a kind and affirming thing to say even though OP's cousin was acting ridiculous."
"It's so hard to step outside your own brain when it's throwing a fit, and while the trigger and the actions are objectively wacky, the feelings are what they are."
"I hope the cousin gets some therapy — living with those feelings all the time with no tools for managing them is exhausting and demoralizing, to say nothing of the innocent bystanders like OP who get caught in the blast radius."
"OP, if you want to repair the relationship, you might apologize for not realizing how distressed your cousin was."
"It sounds like she was having a panic attack."
"That's not your fault and I don't blame you for your reaction, but it wasn't helpful."
"Acknowledging that might help you both move forward."
"Still NTA, though." ~ double_sal_gal
"I had to learn this lesson the hard way with my wife."
"I've always struggled with anxiety too, but I guess not as severely or I'm just otherwise able to process that I'm being ridiculous and that helps me."
"My wife on the other hand has extremely big, powerful emotions and very much does not appreciate having it pointed out that they aren't logical. "
"They are very real FOR HER and that's what matters." ~ 3nigmax
"Anxiety is hard, and work anxiety sometimes feels worse, especially in places with little social safety net."
"But either cousin has a very high level of anxiety or a high level of toxic workplace environment or maybe both."
"Regardless, she's going to need to sort that out."
"NTA for OP, though. I feel a lot of compassion for my cousin and would like to say that laughing is not going to make that situation better, but honestly, chuckling at a toilet paper freak out while getting those discount dogs would probably be involuntary for most people." ~ Evening_Tax1010
"NTA. Hell, I laughed, and I wasn't even there."
"With that said, your cousin needs therapy."
"I don't say that in a mean way."
"I say it because that is a level of anxiety that needs professional help."
"For her own sake!"
"That has got to be a God-awful way to live!" ~ JustMe869
"OMG, I cannot believe someone would use toilet paper."
"Whenever I have the human urge to defecate and urinate, I will myself not to because I'm an alpha, and it passes."
"NTA. Your cousin is being absurd."
"I'm not sure of her reasoning (maybe she's afraid of not looking any less than perfect), but she completely overreacted to something normal."
"Honestly, if I was her boss and saw her act that way, I would find that to be incredibly odd than coming upon with her buying essentials."
"Go get your groceries."
"Maybe talk to your cousin when she's in a better mood."
"If you want, you can apologize, but you didn't do anything wrong." ~ AVeryBrownGirlNerd
"NTA... what kind of repressed life has your cousin been living?"
"Double-down on this one and order the CHILDREN'S book 'Everybody Poops' from Amazon and have it delivered anonymously... LOL!!" ~ Ok-Weather1267
"Nah, cousin is upset because in the bathroom habits portion of her job interview, she claimed to be a member of the bidet brigade and now the boss knows she lied."
"She's def screwed. NTA." ~ MrHodgeToo
"NTA - Yet I'd say tell aunt your cousin needs some help..." ~ CornerSevere
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Your cousin has the right to her feelings but she doesn't get to mistreat you.
It sounds like she could use some serious therapy.
Maybe a little more finesse and a little less laughter next time.
Hopefully, you get your groceries back.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp