A major step in any relationship is when the couple decides it’s time for them to meet each other’s parents and extended families.
It admittedly can be really hard to keep the relationship going, though, if their parents don’t approve or try to take control of the couple’s involvement, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor SprinkleGlitter7 had been happily dating her partner for six months and decided to surprise him during a special date night at his place, only for their plans to change when his mother made a surprise appearance at his apartment.
When she went into his room to change out of her surprise outfit, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his mother not only barged into the room but shamed her for what she was wearing on what was originally going to be a private date night.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for showing up to my boyfriend’s house to a “family dinner” in lingerie?”
The OP had a fun plan for her date night in with her boyfriend.
“My boyfriend (35) and I (29) have been dating for 6 months.”
“On Friday night, we made plans to have a date night in. I was going to go over, we planned on making dinner together, and watching movies, and I was to spend the night.”
“On Thursday, I had some holiday shopping to do. While shopping after work and saw some cute lingerie, I thought I’d surprise my boyfriend with it on Friday night so I bought it.”
“Friday after work I took a shower, did my hair, and makeup, and got dressed. It’s pretty cold where we live so I put on some knee-high boots, the lingerie, and a knee-length coat only, lol (laughing out loud). And then I headed to my boyfriend’s apartment.”
But her boyfriend’s mother had other ideas.
“He gave me a key recently so I used it to get in, since he knew I was coming over and had plans together. To my surprise, when I got there, he was not alone; his mom was in from out of state.”
“This was my first time meeting her. My boyfriend and his mom kept telling me to take off my jacket, but I couldn’t because all I was wearing was lingerie.”
“After I couldn’t say no any longer, the only thing I could come up with was to ask my boyfriend if he could give me my sweatpant set I keep at his apartment because I was so cold.”
“When we got into his room, he asked me why I was being so weird about my jacket and why I wouldn’t take it off.”
“When I told him, he busted out laughing. I did as well, to be fair, and he told me he was sorry about his mom, but she came in out of state on a surprise visit.”
“After recovering from the laughter, my boyfriend (well, being a guy) said, ‘Can I at least see it before you change?’ I let him because that was the whole point…”
The boyfriend’s mother also didn’t have a strong sense of privacy.
“He walked over to kiss me, and while he was kissing me, his mom opened the door and lost it.”
“Apparently, we were ‘taking too long’ and she ‘just had a question.’ I was really put-off, like, can’t you knock? I have never walked into a room with a closed door without knocking.”
“It was five minutes max. He has a one-bedroom apartment, and I was just telling him why I would not take my jacket off.”
“I got the feeling that she simply didn’t like the fact that he went into the room with me, but we are grown-ups, so the whole interaction with her rubbed me the wrong way.”
“She started calling me a wh**e and screaming about me f**king her son in her face.”
“My boyfriend was angry and started yelling at her as well about her being unfair and not knocking on the door before opening it.”
“Needless to say, meeting her went terribly. My boyfriend kicked his mom out, and I feel so bad about the whole thing.”
“So am I the a**hole? The ONLY reason I sort of feel like the a**hole is because of the issue and riff between my boyfriend and his mom now. I don’t really know what else I personally could have done differently, though; it’s not like I knew she was going to visit on our date night!”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this situation was hilarious, if also initially mortifying.
“Straight up, I can tell you his mom will never change. She might show signs of it, but her core s**ttiness will always be a dark cloud over your relationship, just threatening to storm. If you two ever get married, going no contact is a thing. It’s encouraging that his initial response was to defend you.”
“My wife and I had no contact with her mother. Our relationship and her mental health only saw benefits.” – SorryForMyName
“NTA. You are both fully grown. She has no business opening the door when she knows a couple went in there (not that you were having sex, just that clearly there’s a private convo going on).”
“My son is 17, so we’re not quite there ish (well, not to ladies in lingerie surprising him at his own house), but to me, this would just be hilarious. Like preferably, it wouldn’t happen, but if it did, I would be worried about the girl and that she would be mortified and maybe could never look me in the face again.”
“I’d profusely apologize, tell you everything was totally fine, and to get changed, and let’s eat. And at your age, I would be hoping this was the hilarious way I met my DIL (Daughter-in-Law), who is clearly an attentive girlfriend! I’d be more excited by the fact you had a key to the apartment than I would be shocked that a grown woman is having sex with my son.”
“He was right to kick her out. She needs better boundaries. All in all, you know your boyfriend will stick up for you, so that’s a win, really.” – AmazingReserve9089
“Honestly, hilarious. If either of my parents walked in on me and my girlfriend while she’s in lingerie, they’d have a field day with it! They would both say something to the effect of, ‘My Apologies. Clearly, I’ve interrupted something. I’ll be back in an hour, be safe.'”
“Then they would proceed to use it to embarrass me for the next couple of years any time I start giving them too much s**t.” – Dragon_Knight99
“First, I never walk into my minor grandson’s room without knocking.”
“Second, if he were an adult and I accidentally walked in on this, I’d be laughing so hard, apologizing for ruining her surprise, and ask when we’re gonna eat so I can get to know his girlfriend a bit, and get out quickly to let them have some time for themselves.”
“I wouldn’t leave immediately because I would want to make it clear that I valued the girlfriend as a person and that I wanted her to know this doesn’t have to be awkward.”
“OP is definitely NTA. So is the boyfriend.” – imalittlefrenchpress
“NTA. Parents reacting to their adult children’s sex lives is so weird and gross. The situation should have been a laugh. She escalated it and shamed you for being what, in your underwear? You said you were going to change. She entered that room to catch you undressed.”
“Ask your boyfriend if his mom has done this before.” – SnooHesitation9269
Others encouraged the OP to be cautious based on how she described her potential MIL.
“Best of luck going forward, but she sounds absolutely unhinged. Interstate, and if your mister can put a leash on her, then maybe, but if I had to bet, I’d say this is a low contact/no contact kind of mother.” – Daughter_Of_Anagolay
“Look at mommy’s behavior. She showed up unnoticed at her son’s house. Her son may have been out or with his girlfriend. It’s a one-bed flat.”
“Then she walked into his room at his house without knocking. He is 35.”
“Obviously, to her, he’s a ‘little baby’ who can’t do anything without his momma. That’s why she feels entitled to invade his privacy. It’s also a control tactic. As long as she can convince herself that her son is a kid, she can justify barging into his life.”
“Now, if you throw a girlfriend in the mix, as long as that’s only dinner or dates, it’s fine. She can pretend that they’re just holding hands and singing high school musical songs. But when she sees her kissing his son in lingerie, her illusion falls apart. She has to admit to herself that her son isn’t a baby anymore, and she has to recalibrate her relationship with him, essentially accepting that she can’t control him anymore.”
“To her, it’s easier to accuse the girlfriend of being an evil ‘night lady’ who’s robbing her naive, innocent, precious son of his virginity, completely ignoring that he’s 35.”
“Good for her son. He stood up for his girlfriend and kicked her out. She needs a reality check. Sadly, she’ll just add this to her list of things the ‘evil girlfriend’ did or caused. She brainwashed an innocent baby against his OWN MOTHER. GASP!!!” – primordial_chaos_007
“Super duper NTA.”
“She had zero right to barge into a 35-year-old’s bedroom without knocking, and I would bet it was on purpose to check if you guys were hooking up or something. It’s also f-ed up she yelled insults at you afterward when she was fully in the wrong.”
“Good on him for telling her he’ll go no contact if she doesn’t apologize. That’s the exact thing I’d say to do at minimum here. Definitely keep her at arm’s length. She sounds psycho.” – TunaStuffedBurrito
“And another thing I think needs to be brought up… showing up unexpectedly from out of town? Like, come on. My mom can’t even show up randomly here from down the street!”
“Get an invite first, it’s called being courteous and respectful. Two skills she clearly lacks.” – Great-Score2079
“She came after you two ‘because you were taking too long’ means she thought you two were kissing and wanted to barge in and stop it. She might not have been 100% aware of it, but if she complained you two were taking too long in a private room, it’s because she suspected canoodling and then felt (incorrectly, inappropriately) justified in her suspicions because there you were in your underwear. She can think what she wants, she was aiming to bust in on hanky panky by following.” – Plantsanddanger
The entire subReddit was weirded out and disgusted by how the OP’s potential mother-in-law had handled the situation and found no fault with the OP or her boyfriend.
First, she had shown up unannounced and interrupted their date night plans, but then, while fully aware that the OP would be changing her clothes, she barged into the one bedroom in the apartment without knocking and proceeded to place all of the blame on the OP.
It would be interesting to see if the mother-in-law would choose to accept some responsibility later or if she would continue to deflect and try to put a strain on her son’s relationship.