Sometimes, all it takes is one experience to forever change our perception of someone.
This could be for the better, such as witnessing someone you’d previously had a low opinion of performing an astonishing act of kindness.
While other times, your relationship with someone close to you could be forever hindered by one, insensitive act, permanently affecting your relationship.
In the case of Redditor MomVsPromDress, that person was her mother.
All it took was one unpleasant experience for the original poster (OP) to forbid her mother from accompanying her to find her wedding dress.
A landmark occasion that the OP’s mother seemed devastated to miss out on.
Concerned she might have been insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to let my mom go wedding dress shopping with me over something that happened almost fifteen years ago?”
The OP explained how an unfortunate experience in her youth led her to forbid her mother from helping her find her wedding dress.
“I (32 F[emale]) will be getting married next year.”
“We were talking about our wedding plans over dinner when my mom asked about the dress.”
“It’s not going to be an extravagant wedding, but I would like to wear a nice dress.”
“This is probably the only time I’ll get to wear something formal and you’ll see why.”
“My mom asked me when I’m going to start dress shopping.”
“I hate to say this, but I blurted out, ‘who says you were going with me?'”
“I love my mom, but she is controlling.”
“Being an immigrant with no concept of American culture is another thing.”
“Back when I was in high school, I wanted to attend prom with my friends.”
“But my mom and I got into an argument over what I was going to wear.”
“I wanted a fancy sparkling dress like what my friends were getting, and she wanted me to wear one of her dresses.”
“This outdated black dress from the 80s looked terrible on me.”
“Like, I cried when I put it on. I didn’t want to wear it.”
“We fought over it and it ended with me not being allowed to go.”
“Since I wasn’t allowed to have a job at the time, I couldn’t come up with the money myself to pay for my dress or ticket.”
“I still kind of resent her for this as there are a number of things from high school I either was barred from doing (sports, marching band, senior trip, French class) or got forced into doing and hated (scholarship clubs, Chinese class, Best Buddies).”
“There was some back and forth, but in the end, I made my point clear.”
“I was still mad at her for making me miss out on a huge milestone over something as stupid as a dress.”
“I want to be able to pick something I want to wear without her input.”
“Or trying to get me to wear the other outdated monstrosity that is her wedding dress to save money.”
“I’m digging my heels into this point.”
“But my dad called an hour ago saying that I really hurt her feelings.”
“I am pretty sure I heard crying on the other end of the line.”
“So maybe I took it too far this time.”
“I need an outside opinion.”
“On one hand, I don’t want her to control this second chance I have.”
“But on the other… I did make her cry.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let her mother accompany her to find her wedding dress.
Everyone agreed that the OP was valid in worrying that history might repeat itself, and she deserved to choose her own wedding dress with no outside influence.
“Tell your dad ‘What about my feelings that she had no problem hurting time and time again?'”
“You are right to set this boundary and she has to learn to respect it the hard way.”
“And if she refuses to understand and threatens to not come, don’t yield.”
“Also don’t forget to tell her she’ll be the one looking stupid because she chose this dumb hill to die on.”
“It’s your wedding, not hers and if she cannot be happy for you and has to make things about herself, then it’s her loss.”
“Oh boohoo her feelings are hurt?”
“Well, now she knows how it feels to miss a major milestone.”
“And of course, she’s never apologized or made it up to you but she’s the victim.”
“Your mom has proven she isn’t to be trusted with an event of this nature.”
“Her tears are her own responsibility.”
“Don’t fall for it.”- siboibsdsufferer
“But unfortunately your mother is used to manipulating situations in her favor.”
“That’s what she’s doing with crying like this.”
“She’s manipulating your father into making you feel bad and trying to get what she wants.”
“Stand your ground and choose the dress you want.”
“Make sure she doesn’t have the chance to see it or interfere before your wedding day.”-rockrunner21
“It’s not that what happened 15 years ago is irrelevant but the main point is it’s YOUR wedding so you get the final say on what you want to wear.”
“A lot of people can give their opinions about what you should or should not wear, but it’s still up to you to decide on how you’ll look when you walk along the aisle.”
“Some parents are just controlling so this might just be her feeling frustrated and ‘hurt’ because she didn’t get what she wanted.”
“You’re an adult so put your foot down.”
“You get to make decisions for yourself.”- Bibingka_Malagkit
“She’s sad she’s missing this big milestone in your life, but you missed a lot of big milestones in your life because of her decisions.”
“If you don’t feel that she’ll support what you want on your wedding day, don’t bring her.”
“And if she’s crying… well, I bet you cried when you couldn’t go to your prom or your marching band or your senior trip.”
“Where was all the concern about people’s hurt feelings then?”
“If she wants to make amends for controlling you as a child, she needs to apologize and accept that she’s done herself out of being included in dress shopping.”
“If she does this sincerely enough you might reconsider, but that’s your call.”
“If what she actually wants is a say in the dress, she ain’t coming.”
“And if she’s just very upset to realize her relationship with her daughter has come to this, then she needs to make amends, see first sentence.”
“But don’t let her anywhere near wedding planning until you have an apology you believe in.”-threeforagirl
‘Fellow child of a Chinese immigrant here.”
“My mother, though not as bad as yours, was very controlling and also had issues with boundaries.”
“She’s better now but I definitely had to make her cry a couple of times to teach her that I made my own choices about my life.”
“You deserve to have fun and celebrate yourself and your love.”
“Don’t worry about your mom, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries.”- IlluminatiQueen
“Firstly always remember that crying means nothing.”
“People often assign importance to tears that’s simply not there.”
“Some people cry about everything, some about nothing.”
“Crying doesn’t mean someone is in the right.”
“It means they are crying.”
“Secondly you and your mom simply aren’t that close apparently.”
“That happens.”- Testingthrowaway00
“I can see why your mother is upset, but I can also see why you don’t trust her in this.’
“You and she have a lot to talk about.”
“My guess is, she thinks you should let this go because it was 15 years ago and shouldn’t be important anymore.”
“For you, on the other hand, it is still an open wound that hurts.”
“It appears you two have a way to go before getting past this.”- ChapSteve711
“When someone hurts you they don’t get to claim that they didn’t.”- Ribbon-
“She’s not entitled to this experience with you and she’s shown she doesn’t have the restraint to let you live out your big moments without her shadow.”
“Parents who have a habit of overly restricting and controlling their kids don’t get to be mad when their kid stops wanting their input.”
“My mom made a lot of mistakes with me too and it’s caused a lot of issues with our communication and ability to coexist so I get where you’re coming from and you should not make yourself feel bad for protecting this experience.”
“If you think you can talk out an understanding, especially with someone else, ideally MOH, who’d be willing to advocate for you then I’d suggest that.”
“Especially if she understands that she is not to discourage dresses you clearly lean towards and that her preference and opinion are not the focus of the day.”- pinkwineenthusiast
Most mothers dream about going wedding dress shopping with their daughters.
About as much as most teenage girls dream of going shopping for their prom dresses.
An opportunity the OP’s mother denied her.
Perhaps if the OP’s mother promises to let her pick her own dress, she may get to fulfill her dream after all.
One can only hope that she lives up to this promise. Otherwise, she might find herself excluded not only from wedding dress shopping but from the entire wedding.