A woman who grew up with a less than close relationship with her father felt things might improve after a DNA test proved she was his biological child.
But things didn’t get better.
So Redditor 999hsluce visited the Relationship Advice subReddit to seek help.
The Original Poster (OP) posted:
“My dad made me (F[emale] 20) take a DNA test when I was 16 because he (since I was born) didn’t believe I was his daughter.”
“How do I cope with this?”
She explained:
“4 years ago, my dad (and mom) made me take a take a DNA test to see if it matches my father’s, which it ofc [of course] did, but he didn’t believe I was his daughter (because he accused my mother of being unfaithful, which she wasn’t and never was) which he has told me and my mother multiple times when I was a child, but I didn’t understand what he meant at that time.”
“I was heart broken and still am, because I know that he has never loved me fully in all my 16 years. Since he now knows that I’m his daughter he hasn’t treated me any different.”
“It still hurts and I cry every time I think about it. My dad and I have never really had a good relationship, and it pains me a lot. He has never hugged me before or said ‘I love you.’ How do I cope with this?”
The OP edited the post to add her father’s insecurity may stem from his upbringing.
“Relevant info My dad is very insecure My dad’s father was abusive, which is where I think his insecurities are coming from.”
“Because of that I feel bad and don’t blame my father, but I still think his behavior is wrong.”
“I’m 101% sure mom wasn’t/isn’t cheating. My dad has 0 proof and avoids answering questions about it and never goes into detail.”
Most Redditors expressed empathy for the OP.
“There are some sh**y people out there and some of them are fathers. It’s not your fault at all, it’s just your bad luck.”
“You know that you are his daughter but you can choose and strive to be better than him in every way. There are other people who love you and cherish you; they will be the ones who give you support in life.”
“I’m sorry you won’t get it from him but that’s really his loss.” – DrBleuCheese
“I’m hopping on this post to say, yeah your Dad is an a**. And also yeah he may have been abused.”
“But OP, he is abusing you. He’s just continuing the cycle. Are you going to as well? Be a cycle breaker OP. Do what your Father should have, and stand up for yourself.”
“At some point, we as fully functioning adults, have to take responsibility for our own actions and stop blaming others. He’s well beyond that stage. You are approaching it, yourself.”
“Stop allowing him to treat you this way. He may be your Father, but that doesn’t give him the right to treat you as less than. The least he can do now, after being proven wrong, is shut up. The most he can do, is get himself some therapy.”
“Sorry if that’s too harsh. I had a very similar situation. I set boundaries with my father and he refused to respect them. I haven’t had contact with my father in 13 years now, and I have to say, my life is way less stressful.”
“You can’t make someone who is so broken inside love you. No matter how much they’re supposed to. It hurts, I know. But, trying to force it only makes it worse. It won’t get better unless he wants to change.”
“I really suggest setting some boundaries, like stop doing the things specifically that hurt you, then you limit or stop contact. Good luck.” – Katsgonnakat
“I think it’s time to really evaluate what it means to be a father, a dad and a sperm donor.”
“Sometimes we don’t get the parents we deserve, instead we get sh**ty neglectful parents who quite frankly should have never been given the title of Father. And that’s okay, your self worth I’d not dependent on whether or not you have a great relationship with your dad.”
“Decide how much effort you can put into this relationship and step back.”
“Know that you have done your best to make it work and he’s the sh**ty person stepping back.”
“I hope you’ve got a good therapist and can continue we working on these issues.” – Kebar8
“It’s OK to grieve the father he should have been, OK to grieve the father you wanted.”
“It takes time to accept that they just aren’t it. It sucks, but you need to remember it’s not your fault.”
“It’s OK to live life how you want and not have a relationship with him!”
“I always think therapy is a good idea -it’s to make sure you’re processing your emotions in a healthy manner.” – nonanonaye
“You have a difficult job ahead, because you’re going to have to accept that your dad isn’t worth your time or efforts.”
“If you’re not currently seeing anyone professional, I strongly urge you to start doing just that. Simply because what you should be working on, is your self worth and self love.”
“None of this is your fault, it is all on your dad. And you do not deserve to feel like crap because of him.”
“You take care of yourself and your relationship with your mom, and learn to let him go. I wish you all the best!” – opinionatedasfuck86
“OP, a lot of us have sh**ty dads. Yes, it hurts but you will rise above it all someday. He doesn’t love you, but that’s not your fault.”
“He may have some internalized insecurities about his marriage and he is projecting them not only onto your mother, but also you, and that isn’t fair. You may never know the real reason why he thinks your mom cheated, but just know it has nothing to do with you.”
“My own father left my mother before I was born. I probably only saw him twice in my life. Last year, after 29 years he found my number somehow and called me up like ‘Hey, it’s Dad!’ and I was so angry because he doesn’t deserve to speak to me like that.”
“He chose to walk out on my mother but he should have still been there for me. And he chose not to.”
“If you choose to cut your father out of your life eventually, just know that it’ll be for your own well-being and healing. Hopefully someday he will come to his senses and treat you like a daughter.”
“But if he doesn’t, it’s not your fault. You keep on living and growing. Good luck.” – Mistaeren
Redditors encouraged the OP to seek counseling.
Many also suggested she be prepared to cut her father out of her life if he wasn’t willing to change.
The OP didn’t provide an update with what she plans to do. Hopefully she’s able to find happiness for herself, even if it’s without her father.