It's always a challenge when your friends make more money than you do.
Redditor swellboi faced this dilemma, when her financial situation resulted in her making a change of plans that left her friends livid.
Seeking feedback on a hypothetical "Would I Be the A**hole" (WIBTA), the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA if I refuse to pay for a trip I'm not going on?"
The OP first explained how she had agreed to take part in a girls trip, right before an unfortunate change in her situation.
"One of my best friends, Amy, is turning 30 in a couple months."
"She and one of her childhood friends, Nancy, decided to do a joint celebration."
"They decided they would get their mutual friends, plus each of their own current friends, to rent a house in Miami for a long weekend."
"About 15 people said they would go, including me."
"After I RSVPed, I was laid off."
"A total shock, they cut the entire city's branch of my company."
"During the shock and aftermath of this, Nancy booked the airbnb and venmoed everyone their share (almost $300)."
"The trip is about a month away at this point."
"I became extremely torn on if I should still go."
As the OP learned more about the plans for this trip, what she needed to do became increasingly clear.
"What tipped my decision was that all of the girls started planning what to do in Miami."
"They wanted to book a table at some famous club, and it would be $2,000 PER PERSON just to book the table."
"That's not even including drinks or whatever else."
"They started making it clear they want to do really nice dinners/outings while there."
"Then Amy started bouncing around the idea of renting a yacht."
"I don't even know if I could afford all this even with my job, definitely not after being freshly laid off."
The OP hoped her friends would be understanding of her current financial situation, but was in for an unpleasant surprise.
"I told the group I was backing at out and I'm so sorry, but was met with what I can only describe as fury hidden behind little bitchy comments about how I still have to pay because Nancy already venmoed everyone and they aren't recharging everyone (next to little passive aggressive smiley faces)."
"The callousness of it all really rubbed me the wrong way so I basically said too bad I'm not paying and you can't make me."
"I then got a call from Amy claiming she is humiliated because all of Nancy's friends have been cool with everything and one of the only few that are solely her friends is making things difficult."
"I told her I'm sorry but it makes no sense that I have to pay $300 for a trip I'm not even going on, and I did the math and it would only be $13 more per person to cover my backing out."
"Which seems like nothing compared to what they're all planning to pay for other things."
"She said it's not about that. I committed."
"Everyone agreed to their shared amount."
"It's not fair to make Nancy now go back and charge everyone more."
"I basically reiterated too bad, I'm not paying."
"She became extremely upset with 'how I'm treating her and speaking to her.'"
The OP then turned to her mother, hoping she might understand.
"I called my mom later and told her the story and she agreed with them."
"She said yes it sucks but I DID commit."
"I DID agree to pay my share."
"It ISN'T their fault that something happened causing me to back out."
"She said $300 isn't worth losing a friendship over, and its way less than what I would be paying if I went."
"Now I'm conflicted."
"It makes no sense to me why on earth I have to pay $300 for a trip I'm not going on, especially when enough people are going that my backing out is only a $13 increase for everyone else, but apparently I am the only one who thinks this."
"So I need to know if I'm crazy or being an a**hole by refusing to pay."
"Edit to say: I do not know these people."
"I only know Amy and one other girl who seems to have decided to stay out of it."
"I have literally never met anyone else."
"Lots of advice to "ditch these toxic friends" or 'expect these friends not to invite me anymore' but that's not what the issue is here."
"My obligation here is to a bunch of strangers (half of which Amy doesn't even know) and Amy."
"Edit 2: lol no I did not do the math wrong (these girls absolutely would have let me hear it if I did)."
"Neither $300 or 15 are exact numbers."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors were in firm agreement the OP was not the a**hole in this particular situation.
There was a fairly unanimous consensus the OP had every right to back out of a trip she could no longer afford, and her friends should have been more sympathetic.
"You committed to going on a trip but you got laid off."
"You cannot afford it anymore."
"These girls should understand that."
"However, they also seem to think it's a huge inconvenience to Venmo money a second time."
"Honestly any friend who ditches you because you backed out of a trip because you got laid off isn't a real friend." - GreatWhiteNorthExtra
"NTA, In my opinion."
"Yes, you committed, but that was before you lost your job, and before you knew you'd be spendings thousands of dollars on this birthday."
"It's shocking that they would still try and make you pay, when you are telling them at least a month in advance that you don't want to go coupled with the fact you list your job."
"Sounds like a waste of money, I would do the same."
"Furthermore, it's not what you say it's how you say it.. maybe when you told them you didn't want to go it came off as rude?" - According_Answer_552
"NTA at all."
"What is $13 when you book a $2000 table?"
"Besides you lost your job."
"You can't just put yourself into debt because a bday party."
"If your friend can't understand that, well too bad."
"Also it shows she is not your friend."
"Her as a friend should be the first one to get your side."
"It's hard losing a job, I also lost mine, too." - irishlife2016
While some were more sympathetic to the OP's friends, and the idea she had previously committed to the trip, they also acknowledged if they could afford the many pricey outings they were planning, they could also afford the $13 which would cover the OP's portion.
"NTA- ONLY because they seem super rich and wasteful with money."
" If they have $2000 each to book a f*cking table, then they have $13 to cover you backing out."
"But you did commit!"- Ashamed-Arugula1956
Several Redditors even wondered if these were really the kind of people the OP should want to have as her friends.
"NTA at all."
"Your friends sound like really mean people."
"Not to mention that instead of being concerned about your job, they were concerned about some money they wont get anymore."
"If they can afford the 2000 dinner they can afford 13 bucks."
"I highly disagree with your mom, thats not a friendship and definitely not one to hold on to."- FloofyButtCat
Indeed, the lack of compassion from the OP's friends is pretty surprising, particularly after losing her job.
One can only hope this doesn't cause irreparable damage to her friendship with Amy.
One also hopes the OP will find another job soon.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.