Some people dream of being parents all their lives.
However, when adulthood finally arrives, the reality of what it takes to be a parent also becomes increasingly clear.
For children require not only love and attention, but also a comfortable place to live, constant attention and supervision, not to mention clothes, food and toys.
As a result, even when people know they could love a child with all their heart and more, sometimes they realize they are in no position financially to provide for a child.
Redditor Fresh-Cucumber-980 found herself in a position that allowed her to comfortably raise two children of her own.
When the original poster (OP) became pregnant with her second child, so did one of her closest friends.
Unfortunately, the OP's friend discovered soon after giving birth that she was not in the best position to bring a child into the world.
While she thought the OP might be able to help her out, the OP declined, pointing out there was someone else who could provide this help.
A suggestion that sadly led to a war of words between friends.
After being called "heartless" by her friend, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my friend it's not my problem she married a useless man?"
The OP explained how she went from close friends to no. contact following a conversation regarding childcare:
"I (32 F[emale]) am a single mother of two kids (6 M[ale] and 5 months F)."
"I am a single mother by choice (my kids are donor conceived)."
"I am lucky enough to have a good job (French teacher in a private school), and a paid off house (parents' life insurance and inheritance)."
"Before I had either of my kids, I made sure to have a year's living expenses saved, then I would take a sabbatical to recover from birth, as well as bond with my kids."
"While on sabbatical, I still tutor some kids for some extra income."
"My friend (34 F), just had a baby 2 months ago."
"She is the breadwinner in her household, and her husband has been unemployed since he was laid off during COVID."
"It was great to be pregnant at the same time, as well as having a friend with a newborn."
"But it has turned sour."
"She has been saying how jealous she is of me being able to take off a whole year from work, how she would have loved to not worry about losing their home, how she doesn't even have a couple hundred dollars in her savings account, let alone a whole year's worth of living expenses."
"I usually ignore it, or brush it off, because I kind of can understand the stress she is under."
"Well, starting about 10 days ago, she started hinting at not being able to afford daycare, and any mention of her husband taking care of their kid is brushed off."
"Then she started remarking on how much free time I must have, which I deflected by saying -truthfully- that being a single mom to a baby and a small kid left me no free time actually."
"Then last night she came out with it, and asked if I could 'do her a favor' and watch her kid while she's at work."
"I was firm, but polite, when I said that I couldn't, that I am not capable of watching two kids under 6 months."
"She started almost begging me, saying she can't afford daycare, and if she is not back at work, she will lose her job, and they will end up homeless. I again brought up her husband, and she said that he was not good with kids, and isn't capable of taking care of her kid."
"I kept saying no, she kept pushing, until it escalated to her calling me heartless, and me telling her that it's not my problem she chose to have a kid with a useless man."
"Now she blocked me, I am feeling very guilty about what I said, and feeling like an AH."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for clapping back at her friend.
Everyone agreed that the OP's friend was asking way too much of the OP to care for two infants, and while some felt she could have chosen her words a bit more carefully, her friend needed to hear that she and her husband should have probably thought a bit more carefully about their situation before having a child.
"Eek."
"NTA."
"I think there were no a**holes here up to the point of her PRESSING you to do this favor, which she shouldn't have asked for in the first place."
"You're exactly right that it's not your problem that she is in this situation, and while I do think a heavy dose of empathy is important to your friendship, her having a husband who isn't employed AND cannot contribute to the child care she needs is a problem that she needs to solve."
"It is annoying and impractical for her to think the answer here is for you to provide child care."
"It is dismissive of the fact that you are busy already, and you only have about 7 months remaining of the time you've allowed yourself to be on hiatus so it's a short-term solution."
"It's too bad that she's letting her situation cloud her judgment."
"You are not heartless and that was an unfair response for her to have had, and inappropriate behavior all throughout this interaction."- owls_and_cardinals
"Unless the husband is bedbound or otherwise physically incapable of work or childcare, he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and step up to parent his own child."
"And if she isn't going to make him, she needs to leave him and claim for child support (yes, if he's not going to get a job, this won't do much, but at least she'll have one less mouth to feed)."
"Could you have said it more kindly?"
"Maybe, but she should have kept pushing when you said no."
"You are NTA, OP."- crazycatchemist1
"NTA."
"We all have been unemployed at some point or struggled for money, I get that."
"What I don't get is how her husband has been unemployed for almost four years."
"Even if it's burger flipping or Doordashing until something better comes along, he could've figured something out."
"And on top of that, he's 'not good with kids'?"
"SHE HAD A BABY WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T GOOD WITH KIDS?"
"Maybe it was a little harsh that you called her husband useless, but he, in fact, is useless if he isn't capable of taking care of his own baby while his wife works."
"He needs to pick a struggle."
"She's mad you're not helping her and I'm willing to bet she's mad because you made her realize that having a baby with this useless man was a mistake on her part."
"Either way, NTA."
"She kept pushing, so you pushed back."- Atlas-Rising-Up
"NTA."
"'She started remarking on how much free time [OP] must have'."
"LOLOLOL."
"While caring for two kids when one of them is a newborn?"
"WT actual F?"
"Can we discuss how much free time her husband has to learn how to become better with kids?"-AvtrSpirit
"Wait—her husband is at home all day, but not an option for childcare?"
"Huh?"
"NTA regardless, but wtf."
"Like yeah, you were fortunate enough to have an inheritance."
"Lots of people don't have that."
"But how is demanding that someone else do free childcare for a young infant more reasonable than asking the non-working father of that child to look after his own baby?"
"Did they not talk about what they would do with the baby while she was pregnant?"
"That's wild."- Beneficial_Mix_8803
"NTA."
"Tell her when she's lucky enough to have her parents die, maybe she can have a paid for house too (extreme sarcasm here)."
"She is no longer your friend and you need to set boundaries and exit this friendship."-WhoKnewHomesteading
"You may have expressed it in a slightly harsh way, but you're not wrong."
"Her husband hasn't worked for several years, they had a baby together, and yet he can't actually do anything useful to help care for the baby."
"She has, indeed, married a completely useless man."
"The norm is (should be) that if one parent works, the other parent takes primary care of the kids."
"If both parents work, hopefully they make enough to afford daycare."
"Her crappy husband is not your problem."
"NTA."- _mmiggs_
As many pointed out, it's hard to fathom how the OP's friend felt that caring for a toddler, on her own, with a 6 year-old, would leave her with "free time".
Nor could this friend appreciate how the OP's "lucky" situation came through circumstances that were anything but "lucky".
Questionable choice of words aside, one can't help but agree with those who point out that this friend was not a very good friend.
And the OP's life will likely be more pleasurable without her in it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp