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Woman Refuses To Help Plan Family Wedding After Being Left Out Of Bridal Party

irritated woman with arms crossed
Marco Baass/Getty Images

Some people just don’t like to plan parties.

It doesn’t matter if it’s for them or others.

But other people are just so insistent on involving everybody, “cause it’s fun.”

This sort of issue can really deplete the fun.

Case in point…

Redditor KomradeKishka wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for not helping my brother in law’s fiancé with her wedding if I’m not in the wedding party?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My brother-in-law recently got engaged to his fiancée and they had a Halloween engagement party.”

“Is that a thing?”

“I’ve never heard of one until they invited my husband and I.”

“I have an upper respiratory infection so I was not able to go, so my husband went without me.”

“The fiancé and my B[rother] I[n] Law] decided to publicly do announce their bridal party, at this party, and my husband was chosen as Best Man.”

“Obvious… considering it’s his brother.”

“I was not asked to be in the bridal party.”

“I’m not mad about that, at all.”

“We don’t hang out and we’re not really friends so, I didn’t think I’d be asked.”

“I also didn’t want to be asked, anyway, because it means I would have to help with the shower, go to the bachelorette party, help decorate, plan… stuff that someone with a lot of anxiety is truly happy to not be involved in.”

“A little bit of context: My husband’s parents are divorced and he has step parents.”

“They divorced when he turned 18 and went to the police academy.”

“The step mother and mother hate each other.”

“The step mother texted me tonight and said that her and the mother were going to be civil and help plan, decorate, etc… with the wedding.”

“The problem is that she also included me.”

“The text went as follows:”

“Step M[other] I[n] L[aw]: I am definitely open.”

“Fiancée has plans for all of us to get together with her mom and sister about the wedding.”

“We need to start planning!!! Im excited!!”

“Me: Wow, that’s great you guys are getting along for this.”

“SMIL: And you!”

“Me: Me? What. How did I get involved? I’m good lol.”

“SMIL: We are planning the shower.”

“Me: Yeah don’t involve me. I’m not good with that.”

“SMIL: No, you are going to be involved and a part of the planning and festivities.”

“Me: No, thank you.”

“I told her no… and it may have come off weird, but I’m honestly not used to saying no.”

“My psychiatrist said saying no to things is okay and I should stick up for myself and say it more often.”

“I asked a couple of my friends and they asked me if I was in the bridal party and I said no.”

“They all agreed that I was right in saying no and that the bridal party does all of that stuff.”

“They also said it was weird to have someone not in the bridal party doing that and that I should have been asked to be in the bridal party, anyway.”

“Like I said… I don’t care about being in it.”

“My husband even said it was a d*ck move for having me do all this planning and decorating and etc. and not been asked to be in the bridal party.”

“AITA for saying no to being forcefully volunteered into this?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

“NTA… you are not required to get involved.”

“But you and your friends are incorrect about planning assistance and who can host a wedding shower.”

“Family can often assist.”

“Maybe not a S[ister] I[n] L[aw], but parents often get involved.”

“Hosting of a bridal shower can be done by anyone who offers.” ~ Odd_Mathematician654

“You are not obligated to help plan anything.”

“It’s volunteering. Doesn’t matter if your family or not.”

“I do not understand where this philosophy came from from expecting people in your life to plan your wedding.”

“I don’t care if you’re in the wedding party or not.”

“You do not have an obligation to be a free wedding planner.”

“Ultimately it’s her and her fiancee to plan it.”

“NTA the entitlement really needs to stop.” ~ Prudent_Border5060

“Are you sure this forcefulness is even stemming from your future SIL?”

“I’m wondering if Step-MIL doesn’t want your MIL to get more of a say, and vice versa.”

“Honestly, it sounds like it’ll just be a massive power struggle and they’ll make everyone else miserable.”

“I don’t envy the fiancée at all. NTA.”

“The Halloween engagement party.”

“I saw pics of a lovey Halloween wedding.”

“Everyone wore conventional clothing for the ceremony, but wore costumes to the reception.”

“The costumes were on the elegant side–cat ears with a long sleek dress, for example.” ~ AllRedditIDsAreUsed

“I admire you for saying no politely and firmly.”

“I have a hard time saying no and it is inspiring to read this.”

“If they give you a hard time about it, just repeat yourself.”

“They can have you as a guest or not at all.”

“Certainly not as a servant to the bridal party. NTA.” ~ glamourcrow

“I think your friends were giving you a way to help justify your response, more so if they’re being d*cks and didn’t ask you to be in the wedding then they shouldn’t expect you to bed over backwards to help.”

“Also, NTA.”  ~ Defiant_McPiper

“Traditional etiquette actually steers the mother of the bride away from hosting the shower lest it look like a tacky gift grab and ‘should’ be hosted by the M[aid] O[f] H[onor].”

“Personally I’d rather eat a big bowl of greasy hair than go to any kind of shower no matter who is hosting it… it’s gonna be an obligation either way.”

“You are NTA in the least for declining and it’s a stretch for any one to assume or expect you to [want to] help out with the shower/planning.” ~ MushroomItchy7180

“NTA. But, OP, I’d have your husband address it.”

“Also, as a fellow person with anxiety and an issue saying no, I’ve realized it’s a lot easier to put your foot down in the beginning than just keep getting dragged into more and more stuff that you can’t handle.”

“Keep saying no.”

“‘I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be able to help with this.'”

“‘Those plans sound amazing, I can’t wait to see everything.'” ~ crystallz2000

“NTA… it’s kinda weird for parents to plan anything, in my experience, including a bridal shower… don’t touch this, especially if mother and stepmother don’t get along.”

“I’d RUN. Glad you said no.” ~ CandidManic

“They know that you’re not used to saying no so they’re trying to railhead you into it.”

“Next time they ask for something say ‘I’ve already had this discussion I’m not having it again.'”

“And walk away, hang up, block if you have to.”

“Say I’ve not we because if you say we they’ll send someone who you haven’t had that conversation with. If you just use I’ve you’re cutting that line.”

“People like this will try everything but once they realise no means no you’ll get through it easier.”

‘It took me a couple of years with different people but practice really does make perfect. NTA.”  ~ Possible_Canary2359

“NTA – Your SMIL is NOT respecting your boundaries at all!”

“Plus it is not (or at least used to not be) proper for the family to plan a shower – it’s usually friends of the couple or the bridal party doing it.”

“Not the family.”

“That being said, if his family and her family wants to put on a large both sides of the family shower then that is fine and should be up to the parents.”

“Which it sounds like there are plenty of; or the siblings of the bride and groom along with the parents.”

“That does NOT include or require that you participate in the prep for this event.”

“You were not asked to help – you were told you were helping and that is NOT ok.”

“You are under NO obligation to assist with this event unless you want to.”

“But again, being told that you were, as if you were a child was inappropriate and rude of her.” ~ 1moreKnife2theheart

“NTA. You aren’t in the wedding party, so you have no obligations.”

“This is a wedding where your husband steps in.”

“It’s his brother, so he as best man and has a lot to do.”

“The future bride has her own family.”

“She has parents, siblings, friends.”

“The people dear to her, who are forming her wedding party.”

“It’s normal you’re not in that group, she barely knows you.”

“I think the mothers are overly enthusiastic, so they’re out of line.”

“Did the bride asked them to plan stuff?”

“Does a bride want/expect the future MIL to plan her shower, wedding etc?”

“Wouldn’t she prefers her family and friends do this?”

“The mothers should focus on their side, the groom’s side.”

“They can make themselves available for the bride, but shouldn’t start planning unless specifically asked to. It’s awkward.” ~ esk_7140

“NTA. Your doctor is totally right. Follow that advice.”

“These relatives sound like they’re just used to getting what they want.”

“Maybe they have never been said ‘no’ to before.”

“Just keep saying no.”

“If you need to soften it, you can say you’re busy, you’re sick, you’re going out of town, etc etc.”

“Throw in a ‘no thanks!’ every now and then.”

“No is a complete sentence, but there are all kinds of fun ways to dress it up.”  ~ PandoraClove

Well OP, Reddit is with you.

You have to make choices that you are comfortable with.

Hopefully all the festivities turn out great and you have fun.

Should you chose to attend.