The importance of communication cannot be overstated.
Your intentions will be made clear one way or another, and not offering those feelings in a calm and rational way just means that they will manifest in… other ways.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Justpoliyseter6 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for calling my boyfriends mom fat at dinner?”
Good news first.
“Hi, I (22F) met my boyfriend (24M) about 2 years ago.”
“We have a great relationship and get along really well and I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with him.”
Then the ongoing issue.
“There is only one problem… his mom (I will call her Mary throughout this story).”
“After almost a year of our relationship, I really wanted to meet Mary and my boyfriend’s dad, but he kept pushing it off.”
“Eventually, he decided to set some things up so we could all go out to eat. When I first met his dad he was nice, but I kinda got the feeling Mary didn’t like me.”
“Eventually as I started to get to know them more Mary started making really rude comments to me about what I was eating.”
“She would say things like ‘Are you really going to eat all of that?’ or ‘Don’t you think you should watch your figure a little bit, my son doesn’t like fat girls,’ etc.”
“I would laugh it off as a joke but my boyfriend and his dad never said anything. This happened every time we would eat with them, and I started to lose my patience.”
“This went on for months.”
Tolerable, until it wasn’t.
“Everything came to a boiling point at tonight’s dinner we had.”
“She started with her usual comments, but something about this one comment made me lose it.”
‘“I didn’t cook a lot of food today, so please try to restrain yourself. I know it’s hard for your kind”’.
“She made me feel like some kind of child, and I lost it.”
“I slammed my fork on the table and stood up and yelled ‘Maybe you should consider restraining yourself. Last time I checked, this is the second plate you’ve gotten fat b*tch?”’
“Mary and my boyfriend’s dad were shocked.”
“Mary started crying, and I immediately felt bad.”
“Before I could even say anything, my boyfriend grabbed my hand and took me to the car, and we went home.”
“It was silent on the way home, and I asked if he wanted to talk, and he said, ‘let’s just talk about it tomorrow’ he then went to bed, but I can’t help but feel bad.”
“I need to know if I was out of line.”
OP was left to wonder:
“So Reddit am I the asshole for calling my boyfriend’s mom fat while at dinner?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: ESH
OP did return with some clarification.
“A few people have been asking what she meant by ‘your kind'”.
“I don’t want to jump to any conclusions because I don’t know for sure what she meant, but I assumed it’s because I’m black and the percentage of obesity is high In the black community.”
“What did she mean “I know it’s hard for your kind”? Seems like something else is going on here.” ~ genericnameD1138
“Yeah, mom’s a closet racist, the food issue is deflection so she doesn’t have to openly say it. She told on herself with the “your kind” comment. OP clarified she is Black” ~ whichwitch9
“The only possible other explanation I can come up with is OP is overweight, and the mom was making a derogatory remark about people who are overweight being unable to regulate their food intake since all “
“Her previous rude comments were food/weight related, but then again she could just be a sh*tty racist a**hole.” ~ Conspiring_Bitch
“And your boyfriend hasn’t stood up for you at all.”
“He put off letting you meet her because he KNOWS she’s racist, then he introduced you without warning you first, THEN he watched her demean and insult you over and over again.”
“That’s just ridiculous.”
“I know you love him, but this is important information about how he really views you.”
“He didn’t have the awareness or empathy to warn you or stand up for you, and now he’s pissy because you called his racist mother out. ”
“If I took my black partner to a family dinner and those words were said, I would have flipped the f*cking table.”
“You deserve someone who will care about you enough to defend you from racists.” ~ Ineffable_Dingus
Speaking of the boyfriend…
“Girl, your boyfriend is just as bad. He knew she is racist. It’s why you didn’t meet her for so long.”
“He doesn’t even defend you or put his mom in her place. This is not the type of person or family you want to marry into, especially if you want kids.” ~ calicoskiies
“The fact no one has said anything about the previous comments has me upset for you.”
“Ask yourself if he’s really worth it when he can’t even stick up for you before it turned more obviously racist. Cuz that’s what your life is going to be like” ~ thxmeatcat
“A lot of people are saying E S H. I could understand that…if not for the ‘your kind’ comment of his mother’s.”
“Girl, she’s a… f*cking racist.”
“She’s lucky she didn’t get called something worse.”
“The fact that your boyfriend hasn’t stood up for you and then allowed his disgusting racist mother to make racist comments to your face—”
“I’m so sorry, I hate the classic ‘leave his a*s’ jumps people make on Reddit, but if he can’t see what his mother is doing and won’t stand up for you, leave him.”
“One of the nastiest types of racism is ambivalence.”
“Your boyfriend seems ultra-ambivalent.”
“He knew she was racist when he tried to keep you from meeting her.”
“So he knows his mother is a racist, and he expects you to put up with it because—and I’m so sorry—he doesn’t think you deserve respect.”
“And you do deserve respect.”
“Not just because of the color of your skin but for the individual that you are. You deserve a man who will tell his a**hole mother that she is a racist and to shut the f*ck up.”
“He will never stand up to her. He has no spine and does not deserve you in any reality.”
“Please talk to him and help him face facts, and if he can’t, then leave his pathetic a*s. You don’t deserve this treatment.”
“NTA” ~ torrentialwx
“You should have stuck up for yourself earlier on so that you didn’t explode on her.” ~ fuuckimlate
There were no heroes here.
“Calling bf mom a fat b*tch … yeah, sorry, that’s an AH move even if it’s true.”
“Saying it out loud to her face is a deal killer, but who cares.”
“Bf is an AH for not standing up to his mom long ago.”
“Bf dad is an AH for being quiet during the insults, too.”
“Bf mom is clearly an AH. Just split with him. He’s clearly not in your corner, nor is anyone in his family.”
“Bye bye.” ~ Message_Bottle
The OP wanted to provide some closure.
“First I wanna give a big thanks to all your support and constructive criticism on my original post.”
“You guys gave me some great advice, and I read a lot of the comments. My heart goes out to all of you who have dealt with something similar.”
“I decided I needed to have a sit-down talk with my boyfriend yesterday, and I firstly apologized for calling his mother a fat b*tch and said I should have set boundaries sooner.”
“Immediately after, I still told him that the way she has been treating me is not ok and I will not tolerate it anymore and that she pushed me to my limit and I don’t want her in my life.”
“What she said was racist, and I don’t want anything to do with that.”
“He said he accepted my apology, and he completely understood where I was coming from and that he understood I didn’t want her in my life anymore.”
“He said he would have a talk with her about everything. It’s his mom, and I’m going to let him deal with it.”
“I got off of work today, and my phone has blown up from text messages and missed calls from Mary.”
“She was calling me racist names SEVERAL times and was degrading me again.”
“Before I responded, I drove home to my boyfriend and asked him what the hell is going on.”
“He said he had a talk with his mom, and it didn’t go well at all. He said that she tried to turn everything around on me and said I was tearing the family apart.”
“He said they argued back and forth for a while, and then he told her that until she gets her sh*t together and learns how to stop being such a horrible person that he will no longer have contact with her.”
“We cried a little and hugged.”
“I know this was a hard decision for him.”
“Nobody wants to cut off their mom. A big weight has finally been lifted off our shoulders, and now I think we can finally focus on each other.”
“Again, thank u all for the support you gave 💕”
Racism is unacceptable.
Shaming someone for their body is intolerable.
We’re proud of OP for having a difficult conversation with their partner about his mother’s behavior and horrid views. We know it couldn’t have been easy, but we’re glad they found a way through this together.
In closing, be kind where possible – but never tolerate intolerance.