Planning for the future is daunting.
Especially nowadays when nobody has any idea if there will even be a future.
Living beyond what can be afforded is dangerous.
That's why so many people go hardcore on financial planning.
The future is unknown.
And money will always be a part of it.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my parents we aren't giving them money and they need to humble themselves?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Throwaway to keep this separate from my normal account."
"I (38 F[emale]) and my husband (41 M[ale]) have been stressing over my parents."
"My parents are screwed as they took out of their pensions at 55 and have only about 100-130k each left."
"Their house has some equity but not as much as you would think as they have withdrawn from their equity line of credit several times."
"My dad has a 100k truck and a vintage Porsche and my mom has a 7 seater when they are the only ones now."
"My dad is very prideful and refuses to take anyone's advice so it was a shock when they came to me and asked for money."
"He has had a lot of health issues and told me he is going to be taking social security now (he is 68) and quitting his job."
"Which means they cannot afford their mortgage or car payments. "
"They totally blindsided me, I had no idea how bad it was until now."
"Thinking back, I guess I should have known as they buy so much unnecessary crap, but my parents always acted like they were rich."
"I told them point blank I wasn't funding them until I could see all their accounts and assets and this caused a huge fight but they eventually relented."
"I went through what they have and they really don't need my help."
"They just need to downsize dramatically."
"My husband is a CPA so he knows this stuff and we went through and told what they needed to do."
"They need to sell all the vehicles and get a reliable sedan."
"They need to sell their 3400 sqft home and buy into a single home with a basement suite or an apartment."
"I think the apartment is better as my dad struggles to mow the lawn and hires someone now anyway."
"But my mom insists she needs land for a garden."
"After that, their social security payments would be enough and they would still have a small nest egg."
"This was met with them complaining that they would be living like prisoners."
"My parents were angry because if they got a small single family they would need to rent out the basement."
"My dad insists the basement, which he has as a man cave, is necessary for life, and my mom refuses to downsize as she has a whole room full of clothes at their current home that can't fit in a smaller house."
"I got mad and told them they needed to humble themselves since they were the ones asking for money. "
"This resulted in them yelling about how ungrateful I am over the phone until I hung up."
"I told them they have to do this because I'm not helping."
"They still have more assets than my husband and I and we have a son to save college funds for."
"My parents have been trying to guilt me by saying they gave me great Christmas presents and college funds, so I owe them."
"I feel like that was a tiny proportion of their spending, and it didn't put them in this position, but am I obligated to help support them when they can support themselves if they have a downside?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Poor planning on their part is not an emergency on your part."
"They can afford their lifestyle if they downsize, but they are choosing not to downsize."
"Instead, they want you to subsidize their lives."
"Don't. If they're strapped for cash, they can sell stuff." ~ Zorkeldschorken
"Downsizing is the best option financially, but I have yet to meet an elderly person that made that decision, ever."
"They have their place with their memories and things they bought that fit their personality and will die before letting go."
"I advised my dad the same and it went the same way."
"We ended up paying for his utilities just so he kept his dignity(or illusion)."
"But I would go for any more than his utilities and giving some comfort." ~ Dslayerca
"Both sets of my grandparents and now my in-laws have all made that decision, but that's because they're not selfish a**holes and recognize their own limits."
"Most of them did it just because they couldn't physically care for a large home/house on a lake/pool anymore and recognized it."
"I'm so thankful my husband and I come from lines of extremely practical people." ~ Snarkonum_revelio
"NTA. BUT PARENTS ARE AH And also if the parents have the possibility to save money for their kid's college it's nothing to use against the kid."
"It's like 'I gave u a roof over your head so u should/must be thankful.'"
"Nope. That's a parent's duty to do the best they can so the kids have the best life - you as a parent - can provide for them."
"The parents made a college fund for her."
"It was their decision."
"Nothing to hold against the child." ~ Remarkable_Seaweed38
"You are such a good daughter."
"If you had done that sort of audit and planning for me, I'd be singing your praises to everyone."
"You are awesome." ~ enkilekee
"Someone who owns a $100k truck that isn't farm equipment shouldn't ask anyone for money."
"You are absolutely right that they need to sell their assets now that they need cash. NTA." ~ concretism
"Well, it isn't that they need to humble themselves, I hate that term, it is they need to face reality and live the life they can afford to live."
"You reasonably said that you cannot afford to support them."
"Life is a choice, if they choose not to downsize and have to pay more to stay where they are, then that is on them."
"When they have to hire help for things, that is on them."
"Children certainly do not owe their parents reimbursement for making sure said child survived to adulthood."
"After all, children do not ask to be born."
"You went over their finances, showed them how they could successfully live on what they have, but they chose to ignore those parameters."
"That is on them."
"Tell them that they should not be buying you and your family gifts in the future, you just want to see them for holidays and birthdays."
"And for the more difficult part, do not engage in these types of conversations again."
"If they get started, remind them they know what they need to do and that you and your husband are not a viable retirement plan for them."
"Then change the subject or walk away." ~ Tinkerpro
"Well, if what you are describing has been facts then you're surely NTA."
"You don't owe them for bringing you into this world and giving you Christmas presents."
"And it's their own fault if they have been wasting their money."
"My parents are similar in the way that they never considered moving into a smaller apartment from a house that had become way too big."
"But at least they were able to pay for their own living so far."
"Mom now lives alone in the house with many rooms she probably never even enters."
"She can't take care of the garden and the pool is rotting."
"But moving into a cozy little apartment?
"No way. 🤷🏻♀️" ~ lamettalimette
"NTA. They have been living above their means for quite some time."
"And sadly taking money out of your pension while you have two expensive cars is an obvious way to ensure you have s**t-all when it comes time to retire."
"All of that is moot though because they own more than you even if they are struggling."
"If you can make it work with less then so can they."
"If they continue asking then tell them it's either your son goes to college despite doing nothing wrong, or they're kept in luxury despite spending all their retirement savings."
"Should your son suffer because of their bad financial decisions?"
"That's a straight no." ~ ContributionOrnery29
"Lol, tell them downsizing is easier when you do it yourself vs when the repo man and the county show up to do it for you."
"Further, you gave them a beautiful grandchild, surely that's worth far more than Christmas presents and you've more than repaid that 'debt.'"
"NTA. Your parents sound terrible talking about wanting to be repaid and being 'owed' for Christmas gifts."
"How very Christian of them." ~ Spare-Valuable8031
"NTA, they have as much money as they have and must spend less or equal amount of what they can afford."
"Your parents seem to believe that even if they have more assets than you do you still have to support them." ~ forgeris
OP added...
"I also want to mention that my parents are probably unhappy in their marriage."
"My mom deals with it by shopping and getting beauty treatments done and my dad has his toys and made their basement into an entertainment area for himself."
"They probably don't want to downsize because then they will need to be closer to each other."
"But if they divorce they are both screwed because their money will be cut in half and they won't be able to own their own home not to mention lawyer fees."
"I think they have decided to stick together but on opposite sides of the house."
"Of course renting a room still doesn't work because they find having to rent out any part of their home too embarrassing."
"But it's their only option if they want to retire."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
This is your parent's problem.
You gave them a valid solution.
You have your own life and family to think about.
It's sad that this has fallen on you.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp