Planning for the future is daunting.
Especially nowadays when nobody has any idea if there will even be a future.
Living beyond what can be afforded is dangerous.
That’s why so many people go hardcore on financial planning.
The future is unknown.
And money will always be a part of it.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my parents we aren’t giving them money and they need to humble themselves?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Throwaway to keep this separate from my normal account.”
“I (38 F[emale]) and my husband (41 M[ale]) have been stressing over my parents.”
“My parents are screwed as they took out of their pensions at 55 and have only about 100-130k each left.”
“Their house has some equity but not as much as you would think as they have withdrawn from their equity line of credit several times.”
“My dad has a 100k truck and a vintage Porsche and my mom has a 7 seater when they are the only ones now.”
“My dad is very prideful and refuses to take anyone’s advice so it was a shock when they came to me and asked for money.”
“He has had a lot of health issues and told me he is going to be taking social security now (he is 68) and quitting his job.”
“Which means they cannot afford their mortgage or car payments. “
“They totally blindsided me, I had no idea how bad it was until now.”
“Thinking back, I guess I should have known as they buy so much unnecessary crap, but my parents always acted like they were rich.”
“I told them point blank I wasn’t funding them until I could see all their accounts and assets and this caused a huge fight but they eventually relented.”
“I went through what they have and they really don’t need my help.”
“They just need to downsize dramatically.”
“My husband is a CPA so he knows this stuff and we went through and told what they needed to do.”
“They need to sell all the vehicles and get a reliable sedan.”
“They need to sell their 3400 sqft home and buy into a single home with a basement suite or an apartment.”
“I think the apartment is better as my dad struggles to mow the lawn and hires someone now anyway.”
“But my mom insists she needs land for a garden.”
“After that, their social security payments would be enough and they would still have a small nest egg.”
“This was met with them complaining that they would be living like prisoners.”
“My parents were angry because if they got a small single family they would need to rent out the basement.”
“My dad insists the basement, which he has as a man cave, is necessary for life, and my mom refuses to downsize as she has a whole room full of clothes at their current home that can’t fit in a smaller house.”
“I got mad and told them they needed to humble themselves since they were the ones asking for money. “
“This resulted in them yelling about how ungrateful I am over the phone until I hung up.”
“I told them they have to do this because I’m not helping.”
“They still have more assets than my husband and I and we have a son to save college funds for.”
“My parents have been trying to guilt me by saying they gave me great Christmas presents and college funds, so I owe them.”
“I feel like that was a tiny proportion of their spending, and it didn’t put them in this position, but am I obligated to help support them when they can support themselves if they have a downside?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Poor planning on their part is not an emergency on your part.”
“They can afford their lifestyle if they downsize, but they are choosing not to downsize.”
“Instead, they want you to subsidize their lives.”
“Don’t. If they’re strapped for cash, they can sell stuff.” ~ Zorkeldschorken
“Downsizing is the best option financially, but I have yet to meet an elderly person that made that decision, ever.”
“They have their place with their memories and things they bought that fit their personality and will die before letting go.”
“I advised my dad the same and it went the same way.”
“We ended up paying for his utilities just so he kept his dignity(or illusion).”
“But I would go for any more than his utilities and giving some comfort.” ~ Dslayerca
“Both sets of my grandparents and now my in-laws have all made that decision, but that’s because they’re not selfish a**holes and recognize their own limits.”
“Most of them did it just because they couldn’t physically care for a large home/house on a lake/pool anymore and recognized it.”
“I’m so thankful my husband and I come from lines of extremely practical people.” ~ Snarkonum_revelio
“NTA. BUT PARENTS ARE AH And also if the parents have the possibility to save money for their kid’s college it’s nothing to use against the kid.”
“It’s like ‘I gave u a roof over your head so u should/must be thankful.'”
“Nope. That’s a parent’s duty to do the best they can so the kids have the best life – you as a parent – can provide for them.”
“The parents made a college fund for her.”
“It was their decision.”
“Nothing to hold against the child.” ~ Remarkable_Seaweed38
“You are such a good daughter.”
“If you had done that sort of audit and planning for me, I’d be singing your praises to everyone.”
“You are awesome.” ~ enkilekee
“Someone who owns a $100k truck that isn’t farm equipment shouldn’t ask anyone for money.”
“You are absolutely right that they need to sell their assets now that they need cash. NTA.” ~ concretism
“Well, it isn’t that they need to humble themselves, I hate that term, it is they need to face reality and live the life they can afford to live.”
“You reasonably said that you cannot afford to support them.”
“Life is a choice, if they choose not to downsize and have to pay more to stay where they are, then that is on them.”
“When they have to hire help for things, that is on them.”
“Children certainly do not owe their parents reimbursement for making sure said child survived to adulthood.”
“After all, children do not ask to be born.”
“You went over their finances, showed them how they could successfully live on what they have, but they chose to ignore those parameters.”
“That is on them.”
“Tell them that they should not be buying you and your family gifts in the future, you just want to see them for holidays and birthdays.”
“And for the more difficult part, do not engage in these types of conversations again.”
“If they get started, remind them they know what they need to do and that you and your husband are not a viable retirement plan for them.”
“Then change the subject or walk away.” ~ Tinkerpro
“Well, if what you are describing has been facts then you’re surely NTA.”
“You don’t owe them for bringing you into this world and giving you Christmas presents.”
“And it’s their own fault if they have been wasting their money.”
“My parents are similar in the way that they never considered moving into a smaller apartment from a house that had become way too big.”
“But at least they were able to pay for their own living so far.”
“Mom now lives alone in the house with many rooms she probably never even enters.”
“She can‘t take care of the garden and the pool is rotting.”
“But moving into a cozy little apartment?
“No way. 🤷🏻♀️” ~ lamettalimette
“NTA. They have been living above their means for quite some time.”
“And sadly taking money out of your pension while you have two expensive cars is an obvious way to ensure you have s**t-all when it comes time to retire.”
“All of that is moot though because they own more than you even if they are struggling.”
“If you can make it work with less then so can they.”
“If they continue asking then tell them it’s either your son goes to college despite doing nothing wrong, or they’re kept in luxury despite spending all their retirement savings.”
“Should your son suffer because of their bad financial decisions?”
“That’s a straight no.” ~ ContributionOrnery29
“Lol, tell them downsizing is easier when you do it yourself vs when the repo man and the county show up to do it for you.”
“Further, you gave them a beautiful grandchild, surely that’s worth far more than Christmas presents and you’ve more than repaid that ‘debt.'”
“NTA. Your parents sound terrible talking about wanting to be repaid and being ‘owed’ for Christmas gifts.”
“How very Christian of them.” ~ Spare-Valuable8031
“NTA, they have as much money as they have and must spend less or equal amount of what they can afford.”
“Your parents seem to believe that even if they have more assets than you do you still have to support them.” ~ forgeris
OP added…
“I also want to mention that my parents are probably unhappy in their marriage.”
“My mom deals with it by shopping and getting beauty treatments done and my dad has his toys and made their basement into an entertainment area for himself.”
“They probably don’t want to downsize because then they will need to be closer to each other.”
“But if they divorce they are both screwed because their money will be cut in half and they won’t be able to own their own home not to mention lawyer fees.”
“I think they have decided to stick together but on opposite sides of the house.”
“Of course renting a room still doesn’t work because they find having to rent out any part of their home too embarrassing.”
“But it’s their only option if they want to retire.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
This is your parent’s problem.
You gave them a valid solution.
You have your own life and family to think about.
It’s sad that this has fallen on you.
Good luck.