People's homes are their sanctuaries.
Even when people open their homes to others frequently, it doesn't mean it's a lifetime pass.
Or does it?
Inviting in guests is like inviting in a vampire.
Once they're in, it's your issue.
So laying down the law of who visits is imperative.
But it can cause some drama.
Case in point...
Redditor hippajibba wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not letting my neighbor and her kids swim in our pool?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 29 F[emale] live with my husband 30 M[ale] in a nice house in a smaller town."
"We have double income, no kids."
"Our house has a pool in the yard, it's really nice since it does get quite hot during summers."
"Our neighbor 32 F is a single mom of three, her house doesn't have a pool and it's a lot smaller than ours."
"Both me and my husband babysit for her sometimes which is why I know this."
"Yesterday morning when my husband had already left for work and I had started to work from home, I heard noises from our yard."
"Our houses in here aren't right next to each other so it's quite easy to tell that the noise is from your yard."
"So I went to check and our neighbor and her kids were swimming in our pool."
"I was confused since she has never come to our house uninvited."
"But I went to talk to her and asked what was going on."
"She explained that she had a day off from work so she wanted to do something nice with her kids so she decided to 'borrow' our pool since we don't have much use for it since we are child-free."
"I asked her nicely to leave since they had come uninvited and were there without our permission."
"She thought I was joking but when I asked again she got defensive and demanded that I should give her valid reasoning why she and her kids can't be there."
"I didn't give her reasonings but I told her that I would call the police if she didn't leave and told her not to show up uninvited again."
"She did leave but kept cursing at me."
"And even accused me of classicism."
"I think it's important to mention that because we live in an area where the houses aren't right next to each other and you can't see inside our house even for the furthest point of our yard."
"So me and my husband tend to hang out just in underwear or sometimes naked."
"So I was shocked to find her there just using our pool so comfortably."
"My neighbor has been mad at me since and she has bad-mouthed me to others in the neighborhood."
"I told my husband and my parents about this."
"My husband and my dad think what I did was reasonable but my mom told me that I should have been more understanding to her since she works hard and is a single mom of three."
"But I feel like she didn't care about our privacy at all."
"So am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"If she complains again or badmouths you in the neighborhood, remind her, and everyone, it is also a liability issue for you if someone were to get hurt while swimming."
"Just because you have a pool does not make it the friendly neighborhood pool, and she was trespassing at the least, stealing by using your pool at the worst."
"Remind Mom of the possible consequences of her actions as well."
"It's also possible that her kids would just show up without her, making it even more dangerous."
"Thinking it's good to do it with mom there, they can do it without her."
"Your Mom also needs to be reminded." ~ dhbroo12
"I'm a single mom with 2 kids and I feel weird about going to FAMILY member's houses to swim when they've given us an open invitation to just swim whenever."
"I have a cousin who works really hard and basically made him and his wife a huge event space with a big pool and they told all of us to just come whenever we want. Even then."
"Even when I know it's okay."
"I would want to ask first before I would go."
"I can't imagine just showing up in someone's yard without ever asking. the audacity, honestly. NTA!" ~ SpudTicket
"NTA Absolutely."
"It is a huge liability for her or anyone to be in your pool without permission and without oversight."
"What if one of the children has an accident or drowns he would be liable."
"I would put up signs saying private property, or whatever is customary in your own country to let everyone know this is not something that can be shared without permission." ~ Myobright2344
"This is very very important!!!"
"Please be sure you have a lockable fence around your pool!"
"Also, double-check your homeowner's insurance policy."
"You are entirely in the right here and in NOW WAY are you the a**hole, OP!"
"This woman was trespassing on your property and teaching her young children to do the same."
"A person with a lack of morals and consideration like her would be highly likely to sue you should an accident occur in your pool."
"Be careful!!" ~ AlmeMore
"NTA. Absolutely agree with OP and everyone else."
"Please arrange to lock your gate and ensure your backyard is fenced securely as it's an 'attractive nuisance' that means you have to keep it secure as it's risky for children unseen to swim in a swimming pool. You?"
"Your next-door neighbor is outrageous for trespassing into your garden and then pool, letting her children play in your swimming pool without any permission."
"It's yours, not hers."
"She would have been more sensible to have asked you nicely one day that you were home, as a one-off."
"And hoped that on hot days you might invite them over again… she can use the public swimming pools like everyone else."
"Now you would be sensible to never let her use it because of how downright entitled and nasty she's been."
"She's clearly a person who will take a mile off you offer an inch (English phrase for overstepping and not respecting what is yours, not hers)."
"Also, How does she know you'd not just put lots of chemicals in it to clean it?" ~ JSJ34
"NTA. Not only was it important that your neighbor isn't trespassing on your property and using your pool without permission."
"But depending on where you are if one of those kids gets hurt using your pool then you could be liable."
"What that mother did was out of pocket."
"Stick to your guns and get a motion-activated camera to make sure she's not still using the pool." ~ Choice_Werewolf1259
"Agreed - even if she had permission, it's a legal liability issue if she or her kids gets hurt."
"This is why pools are called 'attractive nuisances' by insurance companies, and why my folks never put one in, even though we have a ton of space in the back."
"Even if you have security cameras and locked fences up, proving that she was trespassing and did not have your permission to be there or to use the pool, she can still sue you for the damages."
"Her using 'you're classist' is factually not true; she needs a dictionary."
"It's not 'classist' to expect permission to be asked for the use of YOUR PRIVATE PROPERTY by others, especially when you're assuming ALL of the legal risks."
"Nor is it classist to not want your private property to be used by others at all in order to protect yourself from that very legal liability and risk."
"You bought and paid for it, and not for others' use, unlike, say, donating to the updating of a public park or another public-use place, for which public input would take precedence."
"If she wants a pool, she can get her own; a pool is neither a right nor a requirement but a privilege."
"Put up an electrified security fence and cameras, and maybe even get a trained guard dog as a deterrent (this will also keep wildlife out of your pool, so they don't drown either); no doubt she'll try to get in again when you're not around."
"I'd also call up the police non-emergency number and ask their advice for a group of neighbors who keeps trespassing to use your pool without permission and after you've explicitly told them 'no.'"
"Needless to say, NTA - minimize the risk to yourself." ~ TigerShark_524
"NTA. First, this is YOUR pool and you get to decide who can use it, much like you can decide who can just walk into your house."
"Second, there are liability issues if anyone gets hurt or worse."
"Third, when people start demanding your things, they have lost the moral high ground."
"This neighbor and her kids will just have to find another place to swim until she sincerely apologizes and agrees to abide by your terms." ~ FuzzyMom2005
OP came back with some details...
"Thank you for all the advice."
"We have purchased locks and cameras for our pool (we already have a fence)."
"Also, we live in the US, but we were both born in China and later moved here, we met in university here in the US."
"Also, we were babysitting for free, but we are not going to continue doing so."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
People can't just come onto your property whenever without permission.
Your house. Your rules.
Hopefully, this doesn't cause a big issue with the neighborhood.
That can be uncomfortable.
But show everyone this article, and maybe they'll understand.
And bad for your neighbor.
Losing free babysitters is a HUGE deal.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp