Even though living in an apartment building seemingly puts you in closer quarters with your neighbors than living in a house on a street, chances are you still might not see or talk to them any more frequently.
Of course, sharing a wall could mean that you might hear your neighbors more often than you would like.
This can be particularly annoying if your work/home hours differ substantially, and your neighbors are making noise just as you are trying to get some sleep.
An unfortunate medical situation required Redditor sushikat323 to perform a necessary task at a fairly ungodly hour.
Much to the annoyance of her downstairs neighbor, who had finally had enough and came up to complain to the original poster (OP).
However, his lack of sympathy for her situation resulted in the OP having as little or less sympathy towards his, and she wasn't afraid to tell him so.
Worried that her behavior was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
The OP explained why she had no patience or sympathy for her neighbor's lack of sleep:
"So, my daughter was born over 3 months early."
"She's doing ok but she still have periods where she Bradly desats (braddies) where she stops breathing, oxygen saturation drops in her body and goes bright blue."
"She does this at least once a day and because of this, she is still in the NICU with no current projection for when she's coming home."
"The only thing I can do to help her is to give her cuddles and provide her milk, which means expressing for 20 minutes minimum on each boob every 2 to 3 hours, including over night."
"I have also had problems with flees in my home (they've been awful for everyone in my area this year), so I've torn up all carpets and thrown away my sofa and mattress, so I'm currently sleeping on the floor on a blow up mattress with my fiancé."
"This means that any noise that I make, no matter how much I try to minimize it, carries downstairs to my neighbor."
"I express milk over night, once at 11:30pm, 1am and then at 6:30am."
"My neighbor downstairs knocked on my door this morning and complained about my 1am alarm waking him up."
"I apologized and told him that I can't turn that specific alarm off because it's the expression that impacts my milk flow and doing that expression will prompt me to produce more milk over the day."
"I'm already under enough stress that my milk flow has already been impacted ( I was producing around 100ml and I'm down to 50 to 70 ml)."
"I need the alarms because I cannot miss my expressions, I already feel guilty enough that I'm not producing as much as I was."
"I explained all this to him and he still said that it wakes him up and that he can't sleep after it wakes him up. I again apologized and said to him that I can set my alarm between 1am and 3:30am, and he can choose from between those times."
"He said I should just turn the alarm off and I responded that I can't, because I can't afford to sleep through my expressions times."
"He then said that I should express after 5am, which isn't possible because the hormones that help produce more milk are at their peak at between 1am and 4am."
"He complained about it waking him up again and I angrily responded that 'My daughter is premature, she needs my milk and I will do everything to make sure she's got as much as she needs, including waking you up at 1am because I need to express!'"
"'She is my priority, not your sleep'."
"I closed the door in his face."
"I just spoke to one of my friends and she's telling me that I'm the a**hole because my daughter is eating every 3 hours and I'm making just enough milk every time for at least one meal for her, so 'it won't hurt to not express the 1am expression' but it honestly IS the most important expression for milk production."
"Many people have suggested I put the phone on vibrate, which would be a fantastic solution if it wasn't for the fact that I have slept straight through having injections or having a cannula put in (I was awoken long enough to give permission to have it put in)."
"I'm open to solutions, but putting my phone on vibrate isn't going to work."
"I gave him noise cancelling earplugs and explained the situation when I first came home from the hospital."
"We also pulled up the carpets 4 days before I went into labour, so it's not something that we could control, we have to leave the flea solution to work for 2 weeks and the firm has already been booked to have new flooring put in after that 2 weeks."
"He apparently needs absolute silence, noise or vibration doesn't seem to matter."
"He made a noise complaint when I moved in because I flushed my toilet at night and then again when my cat jumped down from her cat tree to get food or water at night."
"I've learned every squeaky floorboard in my home because if I stand on one and the squeak wakes him up, he'll scream and bang on the ceiling."
"So Reddit, AITA for not stopping expressing at 1am even though I know it wakes up my neighbor?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for continuing to pump in the middle of the night in spite of waking up her neighbor.
While some people felt that the OP should have been at least willing to consider meeting her neighbor halfway, nearly everyone agreed that his overall lack of sympathy towards her sad situation merited her having no sympathy toward him in return.
"Noise is the price you pay for living in apartments."
"Tell him to buy a boxed fan, it silences a lot of noise for me, personally."
"If it wasn't for your last paragraph about his general noise complaint I'd have at least said you were being inconsiderate but priorities are priorities, but after your last paragraph your neighbor can f*ck right off, he's entitled."
"NTA."- Theoriginalensetsu
"NTA."
"You can't help that he hears your alarm."
"The only other suggestion would be to move your mattress into the living room so it's not directly above his bedroom."
"The baby will cry when it comes home."
"That will probably wake him up, too."
"You have to stay on schedule."
"Speaking from a mom with a similar situation."
"My baby went back into the hospital after one week."- Individual-Royal-522
"NTA."
"The guy didn't have to come rudely like that, but probably had a justification to air his concerns."
"My dogs wake me up at night and it IS hard to fall back asleep."
"Frustrating."
"So what to do?"
"Suggestions."
"Could you muffle the alarm?"
"Put it in a cushion beside you?"
"Turn it on vibrate?"
"Get a carpet remnant to put it on?"
"Set it on something high up or in the bathroom?"
"I had neighbors gripe we were too noisy when my son was tiny."
"It pretty much irked me since babies make noises, point being it just ticks the stuffing out of you when life is noisy and some grumpy goat complains."
"Apartments can be frustrating, so many people so close together."- Graycy
"NTA."
"Sounds like it's an alarm you need."
"Do his alarms at in the morning wake you up?"
"This is something you should be able to do, and given that your alarm isn't a foghorn(I'm assuming) you're allowed to have some levels of noise."
"It's your house, you need to be able to live there."
"I don't think an alarm is something that should be disturbing the neighbors 😅. "
"Sounds like your apartment complex has some insulation/noise issues or your neighbor is a bat."
"An alarm is such a small thing, and if it's bothering him maybe he can try to figure out something that helps him sleep."- Amazing_Log7180
"NTA."
"Can't wait to hear what he says when the baby comes home and is crying during the night."-heartunwinds
"NTA."
"If he is so easily disturbed he should be the one taking steps to avoid noise."
"If a cat jumping from the cat tree was so much why didn't he install soundproofing in his apartment?"
"The world doesn't revolve around neighbor."
"He urgently needs surgery to remove his head from his a**, truly a medical wonder that he can talk from there."
There is little more frustrating than being woken up in the middle of the night, or at any hour truth be told.
Even so, one can't help but be a little surprised that the OP's neighbor showed virtually no sympathy towards her sad, stressful situation.
And as others aptly pointed out, things won't get any better for him when the baby comes back from the hospital.
As there's no off switch for the baby.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp