The way we treat others can have long-lasting implications.
From whether they get your order right when grabbing lunch all the way up to whether they will help you in the future.
So, what happens when you're the one deciding on whether or not to help someone who wasn't always kind to you in the past?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Imogeemoore when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to help my mom now that her husband is sick and throwing the past in her face when she pleaded with me?"
OP gave some background.
"My mom and I (25f) have a contentious relationship."
"We have been mostly estranged for the last 7 years."
"I say mostly because she has made some effort to stay in touch while I faded away."
"My dad died when I was 4. Mom and him were not married but they were together."
"She leaned heavily on my dad's family for a couple of years. Then she moved us away so she could start a better life for us."
Things got worse.
"After moving she met John and married him."
"I was told, more than once, by John and my mom, that John was now my father and I was told to call him dad, refer to him as dad with others, and not to correct anyone who used the term dad/father."
"I was to correct those who said he was my stepdad."
"I didn't want to do this but I was punished and John yelled at me multiple times for 'disrespecting his love' and I was berated and told he was stepping up to take me on as his daughter and the least I could do is to respect him as my father."
"When my mom gave John children, it became very clear he never saw me as his."
"I was treated differently."
"I was not given the same anything. Yet the rules remained in place that I call John 'dad' and would get punished for any instance of not."
"Mom always took his side, always backed him up, always agreed that he deserved some kind of respect for this stuff. I still have some bitterness over this."
"I didn't want John to be my father but at the very least if I'm going to be forced to address him as such and to correct people who spoke the truth, I felt like I should have been treated better at least."
OP struck out on her own.
"But that didn't happen and I moved out the day I turned 18 and stopped speaking to or seeing my mom and John."
"She would reach out, sometimes I would read or listen to hear speak. But I felt good not having them around."
Everything was fine, until...
"Now John has been diagnosed with a neurological condition, and my mom is caring for him."
"She asked me to come and help her. To help him."
"To help out their children."
"I refused."
"She told me she needed me, they needed me, and I'm their daughter. I told her I didn't care, I wouldn't help, and after everything they had done, they deserved nothing from me."
"I told her she failed me as a mother, and as far as I was concerned, they were already dead and buried and nothing to do with me."
"She said I was being unfair, holding onto the past too much and lacking in compassion."
"She tried to tell me to think of the good times. I told her she failed me."
"She forced me to say stuff I didn't want to say as a kid in order to appease her husband, who didn't treat me like his kid anyway."
"A family friend reached out after the disagreement and told me I should be ashamed, and while they were imperfect back then, they are still my family, and I piled on a woman who is doing the hardest job imaginable (caring for a sick loved one)."
OP was left wondering,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Commenters did not sugar-coat it.
"Huge NTA"
"Your mom and stepdad both failed you as parents."
"Both of them disrespected your memory of your father."
"Your stepdad forcing you to call him something he wasn't entitled to and didn't live up to."
"Your mom choosing him and his kids over you - I mean, the only parent you had left didn't want to protect you."
"Now she can live by her choice. And that family friend can help her if she is so concerned - because it turns out she is not your friend."
"Children are dependent on the grown-ups. So when people don't support their kids when they need it - they can't expect to get support when they get older."
"I wish you a great life and future. Did you ever reach out to your real father's family?" ~ Ericwyss
"Tell your mom your compassion comes straight from her and your stepdad. They both taught you compassion in that family."
"Tell the neighbor that they are free to go and help your mom as much as they think she deserves."
"You don't have to be a blood relative to volunteer to help."
"I'd add that the hardest job imaginable is to be a child trapped in an abusive situation." ~ BlazingSunflowerland
The family friend took some heat too.
"'A family friend reached out after the disagreement and told me I should be ashamed, and while they were imperfect back then, they are still my family, and I piled on a woman who is doing the hardest job imaginable (caring for a sick loved one).'"
"Someone who this is none of their business and had no right to contact you about anything. You can feel free to disregard that person immediately."
"Let's be honest, even if they were the greatest parents ever, most people aren't in a position to give up their lives and run back home, especially at 25, to take care of a full home."
"She isn't just asking for help. She is asking for major help."
"Caretaking of an adult male and assistance with children of who knows what age. I would say NTA, even with a good relationship."
"Your mom moved you away from your greater support system and then tossed you in with this dude, and they both tried to erase your dad."
"John abused you and mistreated you for what sounds like the rest of your childhood."
"You barely had a relationship with these people for seven years after that."
"Of course, you're not going there. Of course, you're not going to wreck your life to help people that pulled all of this."
"NTA." ~ slendermanismydad
"Also that 'friend's'" comment of 'imperfect back then,' I'm not sure why it's assumed they're not still imperfect now."
"Let's look at only the currentish things, forget the past:"
"Mom reaches out but doesn't sound like much and certainly not to do motherly things"
"Mom only reaches out with any kind of conviction when she needs help taking care of HER husband"
"Mom insults OP and berates her for not giving up her life to come care for him too."
"Nope, she's still an a*s without bringing the past up at all."
"OP is NTA" ~ NataliasMaze
The past matters.
"NTA, they put you through hell, and they will again if they get the chance."
"Time to get on with your life and save your sympathy and time for those who deserve it better."
"They are just looking for a maid who they sure will feel guilty and make to work non-stop."
"She wasn't a mother to you, and I feel that you have so much resentment towards him."
"Tell the family friend if they reach out that they are free to go care for John or to mind their own business as the so-called mom and John will try every trick in their book to make your life hellish again."
"Embrace the life you have and move on. No need to feel guilty or even give a rat's bottom about it." ~ SPolowiski
"NTA."
"It sounds like your life would be very miserable moving back and helping out. You will be an unpaid maid."
"You lost a lot growing up. Now it's your responsibility to create a good life for yourself where you can be happy."
"Of course, you want to help out family. But not the ones that treat you badly and don't actually care about YOU!" ~ CissiE_33
There were personal stories, too.
"As someone who was treated similarly as a child, I'm giving you a standing ovation in my apartment right now."
"You don't owe your evil stepdad or the Mom who abandoned you a goddamn thing."
"You don't owe your step-siblings a thing."
"And you certainly don't owe the dramatic family friend who had the gall to get involved a thing. Please, please, please at least consider going NC for a while. Nta & sending a huge hug ♥️ You're doing the right thing" ~ livelaughween
"I moved in with my father to help care for him."
"My childhood was hellish, but every day after he sobered up, he was there."
"Every time I needed help. He was there in some way, shape, or form. He did everything, tried everything to make it up to all of us."
"I do not see that kind of effort to warrant any of that devotion on your end. NTA from a child who cared for an aging parent." ~ LongNectarine3
Of course, taking stock of every mistake isn't really the point here.
The way we are treated by others is going to form our opinion of that person and thereby alter our actions.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.