Meeting your partner’s family for the first time is always a stressful situation.
For Redditor GraveYardSchift, having his girlfriend meet his family means asking her to partake in a sexist tradition.
This conundrum drove the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
There he asked:
“AITA for begging my girlfriend to uphold a sexist tradition just so she can make a good first impression?”
He went on to explain the situation.
“I have a big family that’s incredibly close. We have big family dinners every few months where we all meet at my great grand fathers estate and eat together.”
“Typically how this works is that the women go cook for the time they’re there and the men don’t. Which I am fully aware it’s sexist as hell.”
“That being said I am one of the youngest people in family and my protests mean literally nothing.”
“Some of those women choose not to cook, however this is usually met with a level of ostracizing.”
“The women who don’t cook are [wives] and long term girlfriends. So they kinda already have a good family relationship doctored in.”
“When I have seen new partners not cook, it’s gone bad. Like completely ostracized, not speaking, cattiness, rudeness etc.”
“This dinner will be in two weeks and my girlfriend was asked if she would attend. Initially she said yes, which is great.”
“I want for her to meet everyone and for everyone to get used to her being around, but when I explained to her the tradition she was understandably bothered.”
“I told her that I understood where she was coming from, however it was best for everyone if she just played along.”
“I told her this isn’t a permanent thing and that I am only asking her to do this so that she can avoid bad treatment from the rest of the family.”
“This is her first impression and I don’t think it’s best if we cause waves.”
“She told me that it’s unacceptable and that if she has to do that she will not be going.”
“I’ve tried to find a compromise with her on this but she won’t budge and she’s pissed at me.”
“She told me that if I think it’s acceptable to make her do this I’m just as bad as everyone else, while my point is that she needs to make a good first impression.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“So, I’m a woman and my family is like this. When my boyfriend (now husband) started coming around, it drove him crazy. He would start doing things like this.”
“Grandma: Xtrawolf please come help with the dishes.”
“Boyfriend: Oh let me help! Xtrawolf you stay here.”
“Grandma: Oh no honey, you’re a guest!”
“Boyfriend: already putting hands in soapy water and looking for a sponge”
“I bet you can guess how this turned out. The men of the family didn’t even notice he was gone.”
“And every single woman in my family absolutely adores my husband, and comments that he must treat me so well.”
“They even tell my cousins, “You should get a boyfriend like him!” I am very much not the favorite in my family so it’s hilarious to me that all 3 of my grandmas are absolutely smitten.”
“Side note. I can tell you exactly why the women in your family resent other women who don’t labor in the kitchen with them.”
“It’s because they want that freedom to relax a little too, and they’re jealous.”
“My best recommendation to you is to take your girlfriend to the kitchen, have her sit down and chat with your family, and YOU do some dishes or food prep work.”
“That way she is not trying to socialize without you, her safe person, being around. And her “share” (although she should NOT have a share of the work!) is being covered by YOU.”
“I can’t believe you have to have it spelled out for you like this, but – YTA if you ditch her in the kitchen to work with strangers while you wander away to go shoot the sh*t with your male relatives without a care in the world!”
“Edit: Since people are asking about the 3 grandmas – one is a relative that we call “Grandma” but she’s not my biological grandmother.”
“My husband also has 3 grandmas – one of his is a step-grandma. You can never have too many grandmas!” – xtrawolf
“‘She told me that if I think it’s acceptable to make her do this I’m just as bad as everyone else, while my point is that she needs to make a good first impression.’”
“YTA. What about your family making a good first impression on HER and not expecting her to be an unpaid cook and servant?” – SpeakerDelicious6315
“YTA , mainly because you seem to be very concerned with your girlfriend making a good first impression on your family, but not at all concerned with your family making a good first impression.”
“It reads as though you care far more that your family approve of your choice than you do that she approves of your family.”
“That’s pretty f*cked up and self-centered.” – MinGosling
“YTA”
“Your family is bullying women that don’t cook? That’s horrible. That’s just so wrong.” – Ok_Examination3023
“YTA. So you disagree with it, but are you in the kitchen in the meantime? Have you ever tried to go in there and help provide the labor?”
“Or are you only “not sexist” to women you want to sleep with?” – WhoFearsDeath
“YTA – if I were your girlfriend I wouldn’t see a future with you after this and would end things.”
“My opinion only, but that’s what you asked for here!” – CoolRanchBaby
“YTA. You should announce that you are going to cook and your girlfriend is going to socialize. Time to retire this tradition.” – Icy_Department_1423
“You said this “isn’t permanent”, but the first sentence of your post states that your family has these female service events at the patriarch’s “estate” every few months.”
“Help me understand how that’s not permanent.”
“Oh, and YTA” – GreekGodofStats
“Op…you say this is every few months?”
“So every few months she is supposed to throw away her self-respect and put up with this sexist crap because you think that this is easier than speaking up because they won’t listen to you anyway.”
“If it were me I would think that you and your family are so not worth it and dump your spineless a**…..YTA” – Wide-Philosophy3222
“She’s absolutely right. You’re trying to make yourself sound better than your old fashioned sexist family, but you’re actually no different to them.”
“I suspect it won’t be an issue for long though, your GF seems to have seen what you’re really like. I’d be surprised if she isn’t considering ending things”
“YTA (and your family too from the sound of it)” – International-Pass22
“YTA for trying to make her do something she doesn’t wanna do. why don’t you start creating a new tradition where you/other men cook too?”
“you being the youngest doesn’t mean you have to be complacent. maybe the women wanna cook, but your partner doesn’t have to.”
“if the family don’t accept her, don’t go to the dinners.” – diskotrash
“YTA. This is how all sexism starts and continues – ‘just go along. It will be so much easier (for us) and we’ll make your life hell if you don’t.’”
“If it’s so important to you that she makes a good first impression, then orchestrate that impression to be at a time and event that doesn’t require her to be subservient.”
“Let the family know she’s not coming to this dinner, let them meet her at another time and place.” – milee30
“YTA. Trying to force your girlfriend to be part of old fashioned “family traditions” she really doesn’t want to be in?”
“Instead you should stick up for her and do whatever she wants, this is how it should “typically work”. Not your family reducing women on being cooks.” – IllustratorDouble699
“YTA.”
“She should not have to “play along” because you are afraid that you won’t get approval from your family members otherwise.”
“And she is right – by asking her to uphold this tradition, you are saying that you are comfortable with sexism as long as it benefits you.” – UR_NEIGHBOR_STACY
“YTA”
“Some traditions deserve to die. You can continue this archaic trend where women are less or actually try evolving to be a real partner.” – PurpleJager
“YTA- if this is a “tradition” in your family and you want her to be a long term girlfriend then it WILL be a permanent thing.”
“Traditions are allowed to die and sexist ones SHOULD die. Stand up for your girlfriend if you truly believe it’s a sexiest tradition… I feel like deep down you don’t.” – suspicious-pepper-31
“YTA, and you couldn’t convince me for the world to go meet your sh*tty sexist family and play 1950s to please a bunch of a**holes.”
“And quite frankly, why the hell would she put herself through that to stay together with a wet blanket like you who’s happy to go along with that sh*tty sexist bs?” – Cassinys
Adult relationships sometimes mean displeasing your family.