Everyone should be able to love whoever they want to love, but unfortunately, sometimes their families do not see eye-to-eye.
This can be especially true when two financially-different families come together, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor aintsayinhea32 was used to her future in-laws making comments about her potentially being a “gold digger,” since she came from a working-class family and was marrying into a well-to-do one.
But when even her fiancé did not stand up for her, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to speak up for herself against her in-laws.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my fiancé’s family that he’s unemployed after they kept implying that I was a ‘gold digger’?”
The OP was sick of the “gold digger” jokes her future in-laws made.
“My fiancé (33 Male) comes from a well-off family, and I (29 Female) come from a working-class family.”
“My fiancé’s family is nice but they can’t help throwing comments at me about how I ‘might be’ a ‘gold digger.'”
“For example, if he buys me something, they’ll go, ‘Oh, Jason bought you that? You know what this looks like, right?’ Or, ‘Wait, Jason paid for this? Only gold diggers make their partners pay for stuff all the time, just sayin’.'”
“It’s so demeaning, and my fiancé does nothing to stop it.”
“That’s especially true now that he’s in a bad place in life after he lost his job. And since he’s keeping it secret then, I’m the one paying for everything.”
“This has been going on for 4 months.”
But the OP finally decided enough was enough.
“Last week, his parents invited us for dinner, and he insisted that we go, so we went.”
“At the dinner table, his mom grabbed my hand (literally while I was eating!) and looked at my bracelet and went, ‘Oh, this bracelet looks really nice, did Jason pay for it?'”
“I nodded and reminded her that he bought it for me as a birthday gift last year.”
“She was like, ‘Hmmmm, I wonder how much it costs…’ She then leaned back and said, ‘You know, I remember when my brother was dating this gold digger woman… She’d receive expensive stuff like this here (pointing at the bracelet) for her birthdays….'”
“I was stunned. I cut her off and asked if she meant to say that I was a gold digger.”
“She threw her hands up and went, ‘I mean… if the shoe fits….’ while laughing awkwardly.”
“Silence took over. I looked at my fiancé, and he shook his head at me like, ‘What?!'”
The truth needed to come out.
“I snapped! I told her it was bold of her to imply I was a gold digger when I’m literally providing for her unemployed son, and have been for 4 months now.”
“They all looked shocked. She glanced at me in shock, and his dad asked if it was true.”
“My fiancé just froze but looked so angry.”
“An argument ensued, and dinner was cut short, and we had to leave after they started berating him.”
The OP’s fiancé lashed out at her for not keeping his secret.
“He had a rage fit in the car, just yelling and lashing at me.”
“In my defense, I said that he sat by and let his mom continuously imply that I was a gold digger.”
“He said that they never outright called me a gold digger, so it was all in my head.”
“He said I still had no right to take advantage of his ‘unfortunate circumstance’ to get back at his mom and expose him to the family.”
“His parents went on about how disappointed they were and now as a result, he got disinvited from Thanksgiving.”
“He blew up at me because of it this morning and kept saying I screwed him over so badly when he was just an innocent bystander.”
“AITA for telling the truth?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were incredibly critical of the future husband’s behavior.
“You can see where the son gets his insecurities and values from. Not saying the son isn’t being an AH here, but this could seriously become a liberating moment for him.”
“He’s probably never stood up to his parents his whole life, nor ever seen anyone else stand up to them. His response right now is instinctual.”
“He’s been taught to value his reputation above everything else his whole life. His ego is tied to it. It’s a HUGE blow to admit his shortcomings, and he’s not emotionally equipped to handle it.”
“Sounds like a huge project for the OP… No idea what good things their relationship is founded upon, so only she can know if it’ll be worth it or not. At the very least, I would not want to marry this until this crap gets figured out.” – Homitu
“He’s willing to scream at you.”
“He’s willing to say, ‘It’s all in your head.'”
“He’s willing to accuse you of being mean when he is an ‘innocent bystander.'”
“Is he willing to do something actually nice?”
“NTA, except to yourself.” – Low-Purple4013
“This guy is so emotionally enmeshed with his parents… they berate him for losing his job instead of trying to help or support him finding a new one, then when they tell him not to come to Thanksgiving he gets upset at OP.”
“If my family treated me that way for losing my job, they couldn’t BEG me to come over for a holiday, I wouldn’t subject myself to that! He clearly has no self-esteem. And unless his parents give out $20k checks at the Thanksgiving table, why is he saying she ‘messed so much up’?”
“This guy needs to work on himself before he brings other people into his life.” – OrindaSarnia
“His family is all kinds of effed up, and he goes along with the back-stabby f**kery.”
“A family that is so much about appearances that they disinvite a son because his unemployment status (of 4 godd**n months) would mess with that perfect view.”
“And OP’s (future ex) fiancé is acting just like that. He can’t admit to losing a job because, again, appearances, and ignores the gold digger jabs at his fiancée because that’s how it ‘should’ be: he should be the one with the money, not her.” – HarpersGhost
“I wonder what happened before he and OP got together. Did he leech off them or other people? Did they kick him out when he was too lazy to get a job and didn’t want to change for the better? Did he invest all his savings in a venture that failed miserably?”
“I have so many questions about this family dynamic, but in every one of them, the gold digger remarks are rude at best and the fiancé carries a huge red flag.” – EatThisS**t
Others questioned why the OP would want to be a part of this particular marriage or family.
“NTA. I think you should uninvite your fiancé from your wedding.”
“He doesn’t have your back, he’s willing to lie to his family for months to protect his reputation (he’s going to be willing to lie to you, too), and this won’t be the last time he blames you for the faults and actions of himself and others.” – SadderOlderWiser
“Seriously! Don’t walk down that aisle! He’s more than willing to have you be the bad guy and not once has he tried to fix their perspective of you.”
“Instead, he keeps it that way because it makes him seem better than you. If you have a baby with him, guess what? You’re the gold digger that baby-trapped him. Do you really want to listen to that?” – Just_Wednesday100
“Who wants to marry into a family that disinvites their own son from a holiday dinner for being unemployed? Yuck. I’m not saying OP is an AH; this is one horrible family.” – mortgage_gurl
“OP is the only NTA here in this case.”
“Being disappointed because their son lost his job four months ago and hasn’t found a new one yet, is ridiculous (sure, I can accept being disappointed that he lied about it, but not for the actual lack of a job). Making (in)direct ‘jokes’ that OP is a gold digger is highly unseemly, as well!”
“A fiancé not defending his partner is double so inappropriate. Berating OP because she finally snapped, triples it all!”
“OP should definitely reconsider wanting to join this family or not. With an SO (significant other) and family-in-law like this, who needs enemies!” – AhniJetal
“They seem to believe every relationship is transactional. The only reason that OP would be in this relationship is if she is seeking a transactional benefit in the form of money.”
“It says volumes about the in-laws as people. These kinds of people get just a little wealth and then shit on everyone else. Degrading them as if the others are transactional in their behaviors. It’s projection, these people seem vapid and greedy.” – Onwisconsin42
The subReddit was left shaking their heads, not only at how the parents responded to the news that their son was unemployed but for how he blamed the OP for their reaction, especially after he didn’t have her back. The truly troubling thing was that he potentially didn’t have her back throughout their entire relationship, let alone in the last four months when she was the only one working.
The couple either really needs to work on their relationship and how they view finances, or this interaction otherwise gave the OP a very clear glimpse into what her future life could be like if she proceeds with this marriage.