Family extends beyond blood relations. Those we consider family might not necessarily be those we're related to, but rather those we can trust.
A sad number of people might even trust their chosen family more than their blood relations.
Redditor Ok-Income9731 had a somewhat fraught relationship with her sister.
Eventually leading her to more or less cut off contact with her, despite the original poster (OP)'s mother's attempts to reconnect them.
However, when the OP's mother shared information with the OP's sister that she never wanted to reach her ears, it was her relationship with her mother that may have been permanently impacted.
Concerned she may have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTAH for changing my baby's name after my mom secretly told my sister I was pregnant?"
The OP explained why she found her perception of her mother possibly forever changed:
"I (39 F[emale]) have always had a difficult relationship with my parents."
"A lot of it comes from how they handled my older sister (44 F), who was verbally and physically abusive to me growing up."
"They never protected me from her, and she was always very clearly the golden child."
"Even as adults, the pattern has continued."
"For example, my mom left to visit her when I was making a special trip to see them, even though I was driving 15 hours."
"Over the last 10 years, I have tried to rebuild my relationship with them, partly because my husband has a healthy family and encouraged me to."
"Things seemed to be getting better with a lot of effort from me and some from them."
"Now I'm pregnant after struggling with infertility for a long time."
"Early on, I was very private about the pregnancy because I was afraid of miscarriage."
"I was especially clear that I did not want my sister to know, because she has used vulnerable things against me before and has been cruel about my infertility in the past."
"When I first told my parents, I told them not to tell anyone."
"Later, when I was more comfortable sharing, I told them they could tell others, but not my sister."
"I repeated this boundary at least three separate times, and I have text messages documenting it."
"Both of them agreed."
"I recently found out that my mom told my sister anyway, and apparently did so right away."
"Then she lied about it for around three months."
"She only admitted it after I explained how much it meant to me that my sister not be included in my pregnancy information."
"This really hurt me, not just because of the pregnancy itself, but because it feels like the same old pattern of my sister's feelings mattering more than mine."
"Since this incentive, I've gone LC with my mom."
"Before this happened, I naively planned to give my baby my mother's first name as her middle name."
"For me, it was a testament to our growing relationship, and I honestly thought we turned over a new leaf, especially with the baby coming."
"I had even already shared the plan for the baby's full name with our whole family (both sides)."
"Now I don't want to do that anymore."
"Every time I think of using her name, I feel upset instead of happy."
"So WIBTAH for changing the middle name?"
"My mom will absolutely be hurt, and there will probably be tears and drama."
"Part of me feels guilty because I know this will look retaliatory, especially since I had already announced the name."
"But another part of me feels like honoring someone in my child's name should mean something, and right now I don't feel like honoring her."
"...if you have any ideas for minimizing the fallout of doing this, I would greatly appreciate it."
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was justified in wanting to change her baby's name after her mother broke her trust.
Just about everyone agreed that if the OP's mother has never once shown any concern towards her feelings, that she needn't concern herself about her mother's:
"No need to minimize the fallout."
"Use another middle name."
"Your mother does not deserve the honor."
"All the best for you!"- NixKlappt-Reddit
"'Over the last 10 years, I have tried to rebuild my relationship with them'."
"Stop."
"Stop doing that."
"Doesn't matter what your husband encourages you to do."
"He doesn't know, because he was from a stable family."
"Stop putting in all this effort and getting almost nothing back."
"Surround yourself with people who do care: friends/colleagues/neighbors or perhaps even people you meet at pregnancy gym."
"Stop having these expectations from your family."
"NTA if you change the name."
"Don't let them argue with you about it."
"Call less."
"Visit less."
"Stop updating your mom."
"You minimize the fallout by not being available to let them argue with you."
"So don't pick up the phone."
"If they text, be slow to reply etc."- Trailsya
"Why are you so concerned that what you do might hurt her, when your mother has never had the same concern with you, her daughter?"
"Put your well-being before hers for once."
"Don't use your daughter to earn approval from your mum, now or ever."- Discombobulatedslug
"'My mom will absolutely be hurt'- which she richly deserves under the principle of FAFO."
"If I were in your position, I would go no contact whatsoever and keep these vile people out of your child's life for keeps."- PurpleEmotional1401
"NTA."
"Change the name, cut contact with your sister, go no or low contact with your mother."
"They don't respect you, and this will probably continue with your child."
"Protect your future kid and yourself from the stress they cause you."
"Good luck!"- MinkyMoth
"NTA at all."
"And it wouldn't be retaliatory."
"Actions have consequences, and parents aren't immune."- Pastaaaaaaaaaaaaa1
"NTA and honestly I'd just go nc at this point, she has literally proved that she will go as far as sacrificing your child themselves just to enable your sister."
"She literally cannot be trusted at all!"
"Stand your ground and good luck, OP."- Silvermorney
"Your sister can name her baby after your mother."
"And if your mother asks, just tell her it was her behavior that changed your mind."
"If she says you're being petty, remind her of everything."
"And tell her she doesn't deserve to have your child named after her, but that honor goes to your sister and she can name hers after your mother."
"Since you were an afterthought, regardless."
"Also, be prepared to go no contact."
"NTA!"
"She ditched you to go see your sister, regardless, why on earth would you even?"- psykorean5
"My gosh, you really need to stop this BS of trying so hard to have a relationship with your mother when it has caused nothing but pain."
"You are almost 40."
"When are you going to realize that your family dynamics are not going to change?"
"Giving your child your mother's name is another way you are trying to somehow justify that there is a relationship there."
"From what you wrote, there is not."
"She does not respect you."
"And here you are 'trying to minimize the fallout'?"
"Do not give your daughter your mother's name."
"Go LC."
"Start living for yourself and not this constant beating yourself up thinking you can change things."
"BTW - big time congratulations!"- Not_the_maid
"You are trying to buy your mother's affection with this name."
"It isn't going to work; she will continue to hurt you."
"NTA."- Monday0987
"NTA and don't let them treat your child the way they treated you....because you know they will."-MechanaGoddess
"You're not a child who still needs mommy's approval."
"You WANT your mother's approval, but that's different from needing it.'
"She continues to exercise control over you -- as she has for 39 years -- by making her love unpredictable and conditional."
"No way in hell does your baby deserve your mother's name as her middle name."
"I wonder if you even plan to send them a birth announcement."- National_Cover_3655
"Honey, your husband is the AH for thinking because he grew up with a good family that you could manifest one with sheer willpower."
"That is not how it works."
"He royally sucks for pushing you to set yourself up for disaster."
"People who have never lived in abuse and neglect can't understand it."
"They need to listen to and respect those who have."
"Your parents enabled your abuse and therefore were a party to it."
"You were neglected by them."
"They don't care about your feelings."
"They do not respect you as a person."
"They are liars and manipulators."
"They are not a positive to your life."
"Quit trying to make them be something they are not capable of being."
"Drop the rope, drop contact, and get yourself into therapy."
"You have to heal yourself so you can be the mom your baby deserves and live the life you deserve."
"If your husband can't respect that, that is a big issue to address in couples therapy."
"Do not promote bad parents who are neglectful and a party to abuse to grandparents."
"Cut contact and change the name."
"You are not their doormat."
"You are not her punching bag."
"You are a person worthy of love and respect."
"You are soon to be a mommy."
"Take care of yourself."- Dachshundmom5
A parent's one and only responsibility is to love their children.
While it's understandable that the OP's mother clearly wishes she and her sister got along better than they do, her methods will in no way improve their relationship.
If anything, her behavior only further displays how much she prioritizes the OP's older sister.
Costing the OP's mother a commemoration all grandparents dream of...
