Pregnancy comes with a whole host of stressors. The OBGYN should not be one of them.
For expectant father and Redditor IllustriousDriver750, his wife’s OBGYN is exactly that.
Unfortunately for him, his wife disagrees.
This situation caused the Original Poster (OP) to turn to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) for feedback.
He asked,
“AITA for wanting my pregnant wife to see a less intimidating obstetrician?”
He went on to explain.
“My [29-year-old Male] wife [26-year-old Female] is pregnant, and as such, we have been seeing an obstetrician [41-year-old Male].”
“He is a really imposing guy, both physically (very tall and fit) and in terms of personality. He has had a really hostile and condescending [sic] attitude towards me since we first met for apparently no reason.”
“The first time we were there, my wife was carrying a big purse, and as soon as we went inside, he started questioning me for not carrying it myself and letting my pregnant wife do that effort.”
“I was surprised by that and don’t like confrontations, so I just took the purse myself and apologized to my wife. The issue is that things have only gotten worse since then.”
“Whenever he has to explain medical things to me, he talks in a really belittling way as if I was a little kid. He acts frustrated and derisive any time I ask something, making me feel like an idiot.”
“He does not talk like that to my wife, and she explains that it is because of her being a nurse and the doctor and them knowing she is more knowledgeable than me with that kind of medical stuff.”
“He also calls me by my last name but not in a respectful manner, just in a weird and cold way, while calling my wife ‘Lily.’”
“My wife seems to really like him. He always gives her compliments about how she looks and congratulates her for being so great at everything related to the pregnancy.”
“I told my wife I wanted us to leave him and go to a different doctor, but she is refusing. She says that changing would be stressful to her and that she doesn’t have any problem with him.”
“She argues that how she feels should be the only thing that matters because she is the pregnant one, but I think that is a little unfair.”
“We have been in conflict about this, and it is even harder than a normal argument because the pregnancy makes her so emotional and irrational.”
“Am I the A**hole?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“YTA. It’s her body. She gets to choose the doctor. You saying she’s “emotional and irrational” for having this boundary makes me think her doctor thinks poorly of you for a reason.” – NeeliSilverleaf
“I was following until the part where he said ‘it’s a little unfair; it’s only about her. The pregnancy makes her emotional and irrational’ OP, YTA… and not because you want your concerns heard and understood.”
“But because you are being emotional and irrational because you’ve decided the doctor doesn’t like you. That’s unfair.”
“She feels safe with this doctor and feels the baby is safe in the hands of this doctor.” – Murderkittin
“YTA. It’s amazing you’re calling her emotional and irrational when you’re literally asking her to make a major medical decision based on your emotions.”
“From your attitude here, I’m guessing you have a giant ego and feel like you need to assert to the doctor that you know sh*t, when you don’t, hence him getting irritated with you.”
“But even if that weren’t the case, it’s your wife’s body. Not yours. She gets 100% of the say in who her doctor is.”
“Best of luck to your wife.” – Outrageously_Penguin
“YTA”
“Your wife chooses the doctor, she’s the pregnant one, and her comfort outweighs yours.”
“You sound like the main issue is that he makes you feel insecure, and that’s a solid you problem.” – CrystalQueen3000
“YTA. It’s fine that you don’t like the doctor, but I also feel like it’s not really your choice to make.”
“It’s your wife who is pregnant, and I think she’s absolutely right that finding another doctor is very stressful in the middle of a pregnancy.”
“Good doctors are hard to find to begin with, so if she feels this doctor is good and trusts him, then it’s wrong to pressure her to switch.”
“I also feel like some of your reasoning for wanting to switch is a little weird. If he’s not respectful to you, that’s one thing.”
“However, you made a point to note how physically fit and imposing he is. That makes it kind of sound like you have ulterior motives or reasons for wanting her to switch doctors.” – YearOneTeach
“Your wife likes him. “We” are not seeing an OB, big guy. “She” is seeing an OB, and you are accompanying her to her appointments. YTA” – frankie7388
“YTA, for calling your wife ’emotional and irrational’ and for ‘insisting’ that she change her doctor. It sounds as though your wife appreciates how respectful he is towards her, compared to you.”
“We have a vet whose blunt manner I don’t care for, but he’s a very experienced and skilled vet. So I keep going to him for my dog’s wellbeing.”
“Rightly or wrongly, you might not care for this guy, but then you are not pregnant and requiring medical care.”
“You need to butt out of this and let your wife – who sounds perfectly rational to me – decide who she goes to.” – Holiday_Cat_7284
“YTA. First, for calling your wife “emotional” when it’s YOUR emotions causing the problem!!”
“Beyond that, this is her doctor. Whatever you think of him, SHE is comfortable with his care. Her body is the one on the line, so it’s her choice who she sees.”
“And you are weirded out that he calls your wife by her name? She’s his patient. Every one of my doctors calls me by my name.”
“There is no reason for your wife to change doctors other than your insecurity.” – MbMinx
“YTA – your wife is right. It is very stressful switching OB/GYN mid-pregnancy when she’s happy with her current doctor.”
“And being comfortable with and trusting her OB/GYN is critical during this time. Asking her to switch because of your own insecurities rather than incompetence seems ridiculous.”
“It’s also disturbingly common for doctors to dumb down answers to an idiot level – especially for pregnancies.”
“When my wife was pregnant, 90% of the questions we asked were answered by “don’t worry – that’s normal” rather than any sort of explanation.”
“I think they think they’re being reassuring to frightened parents-to-be, but they really come across as condescending AHs.”
“Of course, he turns that horrible act off when he’s talking to another health practitioner since he knows she understands.”
“Also, as a nurse, your wife already knows MANY doctors are condescending pricks, so she likely has a far greater tolerance for that type of behavior.” – AppropriateScience71
“YTA if you “insist.” You can certainly ask her, but ultimately the only thing that matters is that your wife feels safe and comfortable with HER doctor.” – OrangeCubit
“YTA, this really seems to be a ‘you’ issue. Your wife likes him, and he is encouraging and supporting in his interactions with her.”
“I’m not sure what his physical presence has to do with anything unless you’re upset that he’s taller than you.”
“It is vital that your wife feels comfortable with her medical team during pregnancy, as she is the one having to grow a human and push them out. You have very little say in this.” – Hockeymum2378
“YTA Her opinion is the only one that matters. My mom had severe health issues. She has had doctors with poor bedside manners, but they are the reason she lived as long as she did.” – majesticjules
“YTA – it sucks that he’s kind of a jerk, but so many bad things can happen in pregnancy and childbirth when a dr doesn’t listen to the patient when something is wrong, and this guy seems to respect your wife and have a good rapport with her, which can be very hard to find especially this late in a pregnancy” – mahmcore
“YTA, if your wife is comfortable with him and likes him, that’s all that matters. He is her OBGYN, not yours. And honestly, sounds like you’re the one with the problem.” – GreeneyedSigma
“‘My wife seems to really like him.”
“That’s it. That’s everything right there. He’s your wife’s doctor, and she likes him, that’s it.”
“It can be really hard for women to find a GYN they like and trust. Those exams are not pleasant. If she likes this doctor, then you just have to suck it up.”
“Edited to add – YTA” – Snow_Tiger819
“YTA”
“The fact that the first thing you mention about the doctor is that he is “very tall and fit” screams this is more about your insecurities than the doctor actually being rude.”
“If you’ve made up your mind to not like the guy because he’s more physically attractive than you, of course, you are going to perceive everything he does as an intentional attack on you.”
“Did you ever even tell him your first name? He knows your last name (assuming your wife took your last name) from your wife’s medical chart. And he clearly doesn’t have to remember her first name as it’s also written on the chart.”
“It’s not hard to imagine the difficulty of remembering a bunch of names as a doctor with many patients, especially in a field where there is a high likelihood your patient will be accompanied by a partner.”
“It’s already hard enough finding a doctor who is taking new patients, let alone finding one you like and feel comfortable with.”
“If the doctor is capable/competent and providing good medical care for your wife and baby, WHY do you care how he makes you feel???”
“The important thing is the health and safety of your wife and baby…NOT your feelings.” – pancakegurl86
Hopefully, the OP will be as cognizant of his future baby’s feelings as he is his own.