There’s little more nerve-wracking than meeting the parents of our significant others.
Not only are we nervous about getting their approval, but we also worry if we will like them.
When either of those situations arises, we usually do our best to take it in stride, as making our relationship work is more of a priority.
In some cases, however, our relationship with our partner’s parents is so hostile, there is no way of making our relationship work.
Redditor Curious_Decision_467 did not get off on the best foot with their boyfriend’s mother.
Eventually putting a strain on the original poster (OP)’s relationship.
Indeed, the OP and her boyfriend’s mother found themselves so incompatible that the OP felt an ultimatum was necessary.
Having some doubts about how she handled this, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), Where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for saying my boyfriend’s mother will not be part of our family or see our kids?”
The OP explained why she felt the need to lay down the law with her boyfriend’s mother:
“My boyfriend (31 M[ale]) and I (31 F[emale]) have been together for 4.5 years.”
“Three years ago, his mother moved to the same city, even the same building.”
“Her behavior has been very toxic: racist, homophobic, and sexual comments.”
“Almost every visit revolved around her, and she leaned on my boyfriend for emotional support in an unhealthy way for hours, leaving me feeling ignored and like an outsider.”
“I felt drained after seeing her.”
“Later, I also found out she was regularly calling my boyfriend and saying negative things about me, claiming I was an extraordinary person with no family values.”
“I tried setting boundaries with my boyfriend, but he never fully enforced them, saying she was ’emotional’ and he couldn’t confront her in front of others.”
“He tried talking to her in private instead.”
“There were some changes, and he started seeing her less, but he also felt that I was standing between him and his mother.”
“The breaking point came after a big fight when he stayed at her place, and she called me a c***.”
“Later that week, she sent long, humiliating messages accusing me of lying, manipulating, and ruining her relationship with her son.”
“I asked my boyfriend to protect me, but his version of protection was more about proving to her that I wasn’t ‘so bad because I gave her birthday gifts’.”
“This made me realize I don’t have emotional safety in this relationship regarding his mother.”
“She also told him she thinks we won’t be together and that therapy won’t help us.”
“I went no contact with her.”
“My boyfriend respects that but says he cannot imagine having a family with me without his mother seeing our kids.”
“I am now extremely triggered by his mother, and he is exhausted.”
“It breaks my heart to see him suffer.”
“Our relationship has been great apart from the situation with his mother, and we match on many levels.”
“I truly wanted to start a family with him, but I cannot ignore the fact that he is making her presence a condition for our future family after everything she has said about me.”
“AITA for saying his mother will not be part of our family or see our kids?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for cutting off access of any future children to her boyfriend’s mother.
Many felt that the OP was right in feeling that her mother’s bigoted behavior would be a bad influence on any future children, with some even urging the OP to really consider if having children with this boyfriend, let alone staying in this relationship, was a good idea:
“NTA.”
“But do not have children with this man!”
“This will never stop being a fight!”
“It will be impossible to keep her from your children if he is not on your team.”
“And to be clear, he is not on your team!”
“You are setting yourself up, and any future children, for disaster.”
“I’m sorry for being so blunt, but having children and staying in this relationship would be a huge mistake.”- Positive-Ad5082
“‘Our relationship has been great apart from the situation with his mother’.”
“Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?”
“There’s no fixing mama’s boys.”
“Have some self-respect and get out.”
“This isn’t going to get better, and your BF does *not* have your back.”
“I’ll say NTA, but you’re being an a**hole to yourself.”- PerturbedHamster
“NTA.”
“But you’re not compatible.”
“If you have kids with him, he will bring them around her, with or without you.”
“She will say racist, sexist, and homophobic things in front of your children.”
“She will badmouth you to your children.”
“If eventually you can’t take it anymore, she’ll end up gaining more access to your children when he has custody of them.”
“He’s telling you now that he will never pick you.”
“And he’s just fine with her behavior and attitude.”
“This will not change with marriage or kids.”
“Don’t do that to yourself.”- specialkk77
“NTA.”
“But let’s be clear, he will NEVER choose you over his mother.”
“It’s something you have to face, either you will deal with this for your entire relationship or you need to end it.”
“It may seem extreme as you have 4.5 years invested in this relationship, but you have to see the red flags that are right in front of you.”
“I don’t mean to be so blunt, but if you reread your post, you will see that this is a situation that will not change.”
“Your BF would need to stand up to his mother and even go NC with her to settle the issues.”
“You know in your heart that that will not happen.”
“You need to have a long conversation with him, and if he cannot set things straight with his mom, then you both need to see that the end is near.”
“Good Luck.”- Ok-Practice838
“NTA.”
“But you will be if you continue the relationship.”
“He will never fully be there for you emotionally, and that’s always going to be a problem.”
“Cut bait while you still can.”- KeepMyWifesNameOYFM
“NTA.”
“Neither of them should be involved with your children because you should have them with someone else.”- breadboxofbats
“NTA.”
“I’m sorry, but you need to accept that he’s not ready or willing to be your partner.”
“If you stay, you are consigning yourself to years of more abuse and stress.”
“Do not have children with this man.”
“Yes, he may be suffering, but that’s his own fault.”
“He’s the only person who can get himself out of this.”
“For whatever reason, he is not able to stand up against his mother.”
“Maybe he can go to therapy and eventually be able to defend a partner from his mother, but not now and probably not for a good while.”
“Don’t inflict this stress and trauma on innocent children.”
“Accept that the two of you are not compatible and move on.”
“You can wish him the best and have love for him while still having enough self-love to leave.”-UniversityGold1689
“NTA exactly, but you’re not being realistic here.”
“The only way you can set that boundary is to break up with your boyfriend and find someone who a) doesn’t have such a toxic, awful family, and who b) doesn’t enable them.”
“You cannot force your boyfriend to cut contact with his mom when he doesn’t see the problem.”
“And the fact that he doesn’t see the problem is proof that she isn’t the only problem you have – it’s him, too.”
“Seriously.”
“Don’t have kids with this man.”
“Don’t have a relationship with this man.”
“He isn’t defending you.”
“He isn’t willing to stand up against his mom, even when she’s outrageously awful.”
“Do you really want the rest of your life to be exactly like this forever?!”- Normal-Height-8577
There were those, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP simply for staying in this relationship:
“YTA.”
“For staying with this man.”
“This man not only refuses to protect you, he refuses to protect any furture children.”
“Why are you setting you and your children up for abuse.”
“Get out.”- keesouth
“YTA.”
“To yourself for staying with this guy and expecting him to ever stand up to his mother or prioritize your wellbeing.”
“It’s never going to get better and you should absolutely not even be considering having kids with this guy.”
“Find a better partner.”- PeachBanana8
“YTA.”
“But only to yourself.”
“This relationship is a dead end, and you know it.”
“He’s a momma’s boy and you’ll always be playing second fiddle to her.”
“How many more years of your life do you plan to waste?”- Up2nogud13
Ultimately, the approval of our partner’s parents doesn’t entirely matter, if we love our partners enough.
That being said, it sounds as if the mother of the OP’s boyfriend is determined to see this relationship fail, and her boyfriend seems to be doing precious little about it.
Making it hard to disagree with those who feel as though the OP should seriously consider if starting a family with this boyfriend is a good idea.