People who want to be in a committed relationship and get along with the family may realize that it’s hard to have both.
Some families aren’t really open to receiving new family members, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Sarah-Justin3534 wasn’t sure what else she could do when she went to the hospital to see her boyfriend and then wasn’t allowed in.
But when her boyfriend’s family was furious with her for leaving, the Orginal Poster (OP) wasn’t sure what she should do.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for going home after my boyfriend and his family kept me waiting outside his room at the hospital?”
The OP went to visit her boyfriend at the hospital.
“My [29 female] boyfriend [32 male] of 5 years had an accident days ago and was admitted to the hospital. He has a knee injury, nothing too serious.”
“On his 3rd day at the hospital, I got off work and went to visit him.”
“When I arrived, his family was there too.”
“I was told by his family to go stand outside of the room after I entered the room.”
“I couldn’t even speak to him and he was 100% awake and saw me.”
But she didn’t get to see him after hours of waiting.
“I was standing there in the hallway with them completely ignoring me for 3 hours straight.”
“After waiting for that long, I just walked out without saying a word, since I didn’t even think they acknowledged my presence.”
The boyfriend’s mother didn’t appreciate that.
“I went home, feeling upset, and his mom called to scold me for leaving like that.”
“When I opened up to her about how felt I was constantly ignored and how I felt like my presence wasn’t important, since they told me to wait outside, she was shocked, telling me this isn’t about me.”
“She said my boyfriend just got out of a horrible situation and I should be happy and feel grateful for getting him back instead of sulking and craving attention.”
“She explained that my boyfriend was on medication and went on about how me leaving like that painted me in a bad light.”
The mother said the OP handled the situation poorly.
“She shamed me, saying I should feel ashamed of myself for not giving my boyfriend the support he obviously needed and brought an overall negative energy to the rest of the worried family members.”
“She made me feel absolutely guilty even though she was the one who requested I wait outside.”
“Now I’m not sure whether I did the right thing by leaving after waiting for 3 hours straight.”
“Was I in the wrong for leaving? Should I have waited a bit longer?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the mother was doing a power play against the OP.
“She’s manipulating you. She’s spinning the truth to make you look bad and to make you doubt yourself!”
“For the time being, just be aware of it and once your boyfriend feels better, talk to him and explain your side, because she may have told him something different (I bet).” – fiofish
“His mother said she was upset. This was a power move by mom to 1) dominate time with her son and 2) cast you in a bad light.”
“Talk to your boyfriend about this, avoid talking directly to his mom, and have him do the talking. If he does not have your back and won’t stand up to his mom, get out.” – johnny9k
“It’s a power play. D**ned if you show up, and doubly d**ned if you don’t dance in attendance the way they believe you should. You did nothing wrong.” – MelodyRaine
“NTA, OP! Your BF’s mother put you into a classic double bind; d**ned if you do, d**ned if you don’t.”
“If you’d waited (and waited…and waited…and waited) she’d very likely have stayed there until visiting hours were over and thus deprived you of the chance to see your boyfriend at all. As it was, she scolded you for leaving after 3 (!?) hours.”
“There was literally NOTHING you could have done that would have won her approval! This was on her, NOT on you.” – Marzipan-Sherpherdess
Others said there was more the OP could have done.
“It seems like Mom said, ‘Wait a bit,’ and OP just stood there for 3 hours and didn’t say a word to anyone. Including not messaging her boyfriend. Or asking a nurse. Or asking the mom.” – Usrname52
“OP didn’t express much concern for her boyfriend in the post, she’s more bothered about his mum saying she should be ashamed of herself.”
“OP says it’s ‘nothing too serious,’ but his mum said the boyfriend ‘got out of a horrible situation’ and she ‘should feel grateful for getting him back.’ People aren’t hospitalized for three days with minor injuries.”
“OP’s either deliberately omitted significant info about the accident or they’re totally unaware of the extent of his injuries. I’d be furious too.” – payaz625
“‘Hey, boyfriend’s mom, I’ve been waiting for a while. What time do you think I’ll be able to go in and see him?'”
“You said he saw you. But he didn’t say anything about wanting you to come in? He just saw you and turned away from you?”
“Did you try calling him? Cell phone or hospital phone number?”
“Try talking to a nurse? ‘Hey, can you let him know I’m here and ask him if he’d like to see me?'”
“What did you do when you first got there? Did you try walking in the room and his mom said ‘no’? Or did you just stand randomly in the hallway for three hours not saying a word to anyone? Because that’d definitely be on you. I’m so confused by this whole post.” – Usrname52
A few pointed out the OP needed to have a serious conversation.
“OP and BF are one unit, and BF and his mother are one unit.”
“BF’s mother has already inserted herself into the couple relationship: creating triangulation. The triangle must be severed so the two units OP and BF and BF and Mother can be separate.”
“BF is responsible for establishing boundaries with his family to keep his relationship with his GF safe and healthy.”
“BF is the hinge that OP and his mother have in common. OP should speak with her BF (once home and off meds). In order to end the triangulation, OP should communicate individually (texts and phone calls) with BF’s mom as little as possible.” – JRadiantHeart
“I’ve discussed with my partner at length. If there can only be one person. I am the first to go see him. I will fight his family verbally.”
“If there is a maximum of 3, I am one of them, and I will never be told to leave the room. His parents can swap with others. I will be there unless I need to go to the restroom, shower, or get food.”
“Your partner IS your family. That is your best friend.” – thelocaltraveller
While the subReddit understood why the OP was upset, there was a slight disagreement about how she handled the situation.
No one contested her leaving the hospital, but what did she do during the three hours of waiting around? If she didn’t check in more than once, or with a nurse, that wouldn’t totally place her in the wrong, but it would place some of the responsibility on her.