For all the relationships we have been in, we’re all aware of that one relationship that seems fun on the surface, but when you start digging, you realize your partner never really bothered to get to know you.
That unfortunate fact can become especially apparent in instances of gift-giving, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor chocolateno1 was tired of putting thought into gifts that were special to her boyfriend, only for him to get her the same chocolate over and over again that she didn’t like.
When he criticized her and called her ungrateful, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to speak up.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for being ungrateful that my boyfriend keeps getting me chocolate?”
The OP’s boyfriend didn’t believe in her dislike of chocolate.
“So my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. We get along and everything.”
“I don’t like chocolate, except dark chocolate (like jr mints). I had a dairy allergy when I was a kid, and even though I outgrew it for the most part, I just don’t like chocolate.”
“My boyfriend seems to think he’ll get me to like chocolate because ‘all girls like chocolate and it’s weird I don’t.'”
She was frustrated by her boyfriend’s gift-giving.
“He’s given me chocolate for every holiday, either with a different gift or chocolate was the gift.”
“He tells me to ‘just try it,’ so I do, and when I end up disliking it, he eats it.”
“It’s annoying to put thought into his gift and he keeps purposely getting me something I dislike.”
It was the same for Valentine’s Day.
“We did Valentine’s Day yesterday and he gave me three things of chocolate.”
“I was sorta annoyed, and he said I was being ungrateful, and ‘Valentine’s is a chocolate holiday so what do you expect.'”
“(My ex-boyfriend one time got me donuts for Valentine’s Day, because he knew I hated chocolate.)”
“I told him I’m never going to like chocolate and it’s not funny or whatever he thinks it is.”
“He said most girls like chocolate, and I should be happy that he even remembers to get a gift, and that it’s not his fault I’m so picky.”
“Maybe he’s right and I’m just being stubborn or something.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the boyfriend was clearly getting himself a gift, disguised as a gift for the OP.
“He’s using OP to get himself a gift. He knows she doesn’t like chocolate, but he does. So he uses ‘trying to convince her’ to get himself chocolate.” – fallen_star_2319
“OP, you are only 8 months in. Dump him. And for good measure, take the boxes of chocolate and gift them to someone who likes it, so he can’t be rewarded for getting you something you don’t like.” – Sopranohh
“Just say, ‘Thanks!’ and put it away saying you’ll eat it later, you’re not hungry now. Then dump him.” – hdmx539
“Next occasion, get something you really like that he doesn’t (a book? a soft pink sweater?), give it to him, and tell him, ‘All boys like books,’ or, ‘All boys like pink sweaters, and it’s weird you don’t,’ and then keep it for yourself.” – loop1960
“And he’s lazy as f**k, because he got pretty much the easiest thing. Did he also get some grocery store flowers and a stuffed teddy bear? That’s pretty much the standard stuff that takes no extra thought or effort.”
“If that’s what someone likes and wants those things, it’s great but he is simply lazy and inconsiderate. Don’t wait until more time has been wasted is my perspective. OP is not stubborn or picky. NTA.” – Chance-Ad-9952
“NTA. I used to love chocolate. I had bariatric surgery which has since made me super picky about sweets, they have to be worth it and taste good and most chocolate does not anymore.”
“My partner and I were together for 3.5 years before surgery, and over the last year and a half since, then he’s learned how to adjust his food gift-giving without going, ‘Be appreciative I remembered to get you a gift.'”
“For Valentine’s Day, he’s gotten me the sour gummy hearts and is taking me out to a protein-packed place for wagyu and then we’re going for boba after since I can adjust the sweetness.”
“You don’t have to settle for someone who can’t adjust their gift-giving to be personalized to you.” – Complete_Push1538
“OP, you should dump him for not giving a s**t about you. But if you don’t, how about this: next time he gives you chocolate, open it in front of him so it’s no longer in the wrapper. Then drop it straight in the trash. Do this until he stops.”
“I guarantee you’re looking at two more times max, because he will care about ‘wasting his money’ when he doesn’t get to have your gift himself, even though he does not see a gift you don’t like as ‘wasting his money.'” – alanita
Others were concerned these gifts were a sign of more controlling behaviors.
“Even if he really thinks ‘all girls like chocolate, so get chocolate for girl = good boyfriend! = good boyfriend brownie points!’ – OP IS NOT ALL GIRLS!”
“She is ONE human who has her own likes and dislikes. He’s being misogynistic to act and expect all women are produced at the same factory and have the same likes/dislikes software installed.” – Kathrynlena
“You know what instantly makes me like something that I previously hated? Being told that ‘all girls like this.'”
“Once I am reminded that all girls like something, and I, too, am a girl, I instantly like the thing.”
“What a weirdo OP’s BF is to think women are all the same, and to not believe his girlfriend who has repeatedly told him she hates chocolate. F**k that guy.” – JustLikeMyOpinion
“This is a much bigger red flag than OP is giving it credit for.”
“1. Unacceptably controlling behavior.”
“2. Doesn’t respect OP’s dietary needs.”
“3. Doesn’t respect OP’s wishes/clear instructions.”
“4. Thinks he can and should change her.”
“5. Is getting himself a present but pretending it’s for OP.”
“6. Gaslights her and shames her because ‘AlL GiRlS LiKe ChoCoLaTe,’ thus trying to make her feel bad about herself.”
“7. Thinks his own will trumps her in the relationship. He’s the boss, she should adapt.”
“This would be a deal-breaker for me because I betcha that this is not the only area where he tries to change OP and gaslights her.” – Academic_Snow_7680
“8 months in and his true colors are already showing. She really should call it quits.”
“What happens next time when he buys something else she’s not into but comes away with ‘but all other girls like that’?”
“He is very selfish, wouldn’t be surprised if he bought the chocolates in the hope that he gets to eat them because he knows she won’t.” – bydo1492
“The fact that these gender stereotypes even still exist annoys me so much but that’s a rant for another time.”
“My boyfriend doesn’t particularly like beer (he much prefers whisky when he drinks). I can’t imagine constantly shoving beer in his face as a gift because “all men like beer!” and thinking I’m a great girlfriend for it. Cause what the f**k?”
“OP is NTA and her boyfriend is a jacka**.” – BlazingApp965
“I think it’s even scarier than chocolate.”
“More like, ‘I will tell her she is wrong to not be easy to please like all the other girls. Because who would be with someone who is so difficult? I chose her. She must be grateful. She must believe I am the special man who accepts her despite her individuality. She should feel stuck.'” – Ladyughsalot1
“But OP does like some chocolates, but the AH can’t be bothered to get the right type. It’s definitely a power play on his part.” – cjgist
“When I was eight months into a crap relationship with an abusive person, he gave me a gold (colored) watch. I don’t like gold. I have never liked gold. I exclusively wear silver.”
“When he asked why I didn’t wear it, I was embarrassed to have to say, well, I should have said something, but the thing is, all of my jewelry is silver because I don’t like gold.”
“He gave me the same speech your dude there gave you, that I should be happy he got me anything and all girls like gold.”
“Here’s a message from Ghost of Future You: He ain’t gonna get MORE thoughtful after eight months.” – OneCraftyBird
“By contrast, OP, the first year I was with my college boyfriend, he got me jewelry for my birthday (late fall) and Christmas. I rarely wear jewelry, but I appreciated the gesture so I tried to make an effort to wear what he’d gotten me. It didn’t last longer than a few weeks, though.”
“On Valentines Day, he got me something else AND said, ‘Hey, sorry about what I got you for your birthday and Christmas, I should have noticed you don’t wear much jewelry and put it together that that wasn’t a good gift. I hope you’ll get more use out of this present.'”
“So even though he got me something I didn’t really care for (which absolutely happens and isn’t a big deal), he didn’t blame me for it and he didn’t double down!”
“Anyway, we’ve been married 12 years.” – hochizo
The OP was conflicted because of what her boyfriend had said to her about her likes and gratefulness, but the subReddit was having none of it. Not only was the boyfriend giving her a generic gift that wasn’t even directed toward her, he was also being insensitive about her food intolerances and what she likes.