I once adopted a gorgeous 8-year-old calico tabby Maine Coon cat from my local animal shelter. The cat came with papers from the cattery where they were bought for a hefty sum and detailed medical records.
Clearly this had been someone’s baby.
When I asked why such a beautiful, expensive cat was surrendered, they explained the owner had just gotten married and her new husband didn’t like the cat.
I got a great cat—Koko was even polydactyl—full of calico attitude.
Koko’s former owner got the booby prize.
I’ve had one friend ask one time if I could lock my cats in a room when he came over because he didn’t like cats. The issue was easily solved by him never being invited to our home again.
The cats lived there, he didn’t.
I can’t fathom taking a pet you’ve had for eight years to an animal shelter because a significant other decided they don’t like them.
A woman dealing with just such a demand turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
International_Bit448 asked:
“AITA for not getting rid of my cat?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (41, female) have been dating a guy (46, male) for several years. Last year, we took a break for about 6 months.”
“In that time I did not date anyone else (he did), but was working with someone who showed unreciprocated interest in me. This coworker was moving to another state and asked if I wanted to adopt his cat for my kids, and I jumped at the chance.”
“We’d always wanted a cat and it just seemed like a great opportunity. I lost contact with this coworker pretty quickly after he moved.”
“My relationship with my boyfriend is really great, but recently he told me he hates the cat because it came from a guy who was using it to try and sleep with me.”
“He said he didn’t want to even feed the cat when I’m gone, as it just reminds him of this other guy.”
GIPHY
“It’s just a cat, and I literally never think of the coworker who gave him to me. I told him I’d never get rid of the cat to make him feel comfortable.”
“Not just because of the cat, but because I won’t be in a relationship where I have to prove my love by unnecessary sacrifice or pain.”
“He said I’m choosing a cat over him.”
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“Am I the a**hole for thinking this whole thing is stupid and weirdly childish?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my boyfriend I don’t want to get rid of my cat because another man gave him to me and it makes my boyfriend jealous.”
“I might be the a**hole for making my boyfriend feel like I’m choosing a cat over him.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Read the part back to yourself where the 46-year-old man can’t make himself feed a cat because the previous owner may have wanted to sleep with you.”
“Read it over and over until it really hits you how childish, manipulative, and absurd it is.”
“Then realize how twisted it is to refuse an animal FOOD because of it and convince yourself to love yourself more than putting up with this.” ~ Embarrassed-Kale-744
“After he was sleeping with other people? He’s jealous of a cat from a guy she never slept with‽‽”
“Run girl, and bring the cat with you! NTA.” ~ makethatnoise
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“You sure are! And it’s the right call. Keep the cat, dump the man. NTA.” ~ bentscissors
“You’re not choosing the cat over him you’re choosing not to be controlled by someone’s insecurity.” ~ throwaway42929211
“Just think about what he REALLY thought about your KIDS, they, after all came from another guy.” ~ dart1126
“I think it’s hysterical that this is the same guy who dated/slept around while they were on their break.”
“Although it makes me wonder. Is he the father of her children?”
“Because if he’s not, this attitude with the cat is huge foreshadowing to how he’ll eventually treat her kids. Seeing as how they are proof that she slept with someone before him.” ~ DisneyBuckeye
“That’s what I was thinking! Because he is already talking like that about the cat (hello? He said that he didn’t like FEEDING the cat) and how will he talk about her kids in the future?” ~ maaaariiiiaaaa
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“Glad you drew the line. This is unhinged behavior on his part. So your coworker moving out of state gave you a cat to try and sleep with you and then has barely had any contact with you since?”
“How does that make sense?“ ~ holymacaroley
“I’m a man and I, too, choose the cat.” ~ actual-trevor
“So you adopted the cat during a time period when he was f*cking other people, and he feels threatened by the cat?”
“NTA. Keep the cat and tell the guy to sod off.” ~ 30Helenssayfuckoff
“If he’s willing to even think about abusing (starving) a cat you got from another man, then how the hell can you ever trust him to be alone with your kids (assuming they came from a previous relationship).”
“Regardless, he is a danger to that cat if you keep him (the man) around, and the cat deserves better than that. Don’t let him convince you you’re ‘overreacting’ or that it was ‘just an offhanded comment’.”
“When people tell you who they are, believe them. The first time.”
“In case the takeaway point here wasn’t clear –> keep the cat, dump the guy. Yesterday.” ~ Dirtyblondefrombeyon
“He doesn’t want to feed the cat, because it reminds him of someone who wanted to sleep with you.”
“How about your kids? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure someone did sleep with you… NTA.” ~ Japanat1
“Tell him you don’t have enough duct tape to deal with his fragile masculinity. The cat stays—it belongs to your children. NTA.” ~ eden60
“NTA. He said, ‘I will abuse this cat if you’re not around because it used to belong to someone who found you attractive’.” ~ Fiigwort
“Jealousy is a big red flag for coercive control, harming or threatening to harm animals is another one, and threatening you and your children’s happiness if you don’t do what he wants is another one (because I’m assuming you all care about the cat).”
“Double standards regarding behaviour are also a big red flag.”
“Give this guy a couple more years and he will be targeting you (and/or your kids to get to you).”
“Keeping the cat and getting rid of him is not only a better option, it’s a safer option.” ~ putterandpotter
“Dude is a walking red flag parade.”
“What I’m seeing is a guy who sees situations in either one of two ways: either as an opportunity, or as a threat…To himself. And if he sees something as a ‘threat’, he’s all about getting rid of that ‘threat’, no matter who is hurt or damaged in the process, even if it’s children or domestic pets.”
“Even worse, you have kids. Can you say with zero doubt that he wouldn’t do similar to your children if they at a later date take up more of your time, energy, money, etc… than your boyfriend likes?”
“And if it’s an ‘opportunity’ he sees, he’s all about grabbing it. That’s why he was seeing other people during the relationship break. However, I noted OP did not date anyone during the same period.”
“I wonder if he would have come back with zero concerns about any partner she’d had, had OP done exactly what he had done? I think perhaps not.”
“Guys like that usually have the mindset that when they’re on a ‘relationship break’, the guy can do whatever and whoever he likes, but the woman is still ‘his’, on hold until he’s ready, and therefore she has to behave like she’s still with him. And heaven help whatever man got close to ‘his’ possession while he was busy getting into other women.”
“The cat issue is a foreshadowing of something much, much uglier. Right now, he’s comfortable making unreasonable demands about the cat because he thinks he’s firmly embedded in your life.”
“That ‘break’ might have been one of those little ‘tests’ where he monitored you to see if you were loyal to him. Congratulations, you passed that test, but that cat is walking, living proof that someone else was interested in you (in his mind), and therefore the cat has to go.”
“OP, NTA, but keep the cat, and for the sake of yourself and your kids, shove that guy out the door permanently.” ~ thornyrosary
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The OP provided an update:
“I didn’t know Reddit was the friend group I needed, yet here we are.”
“Yeah, he’s gone—it didn’t go well, but everyone was right. He was genuinely kind and normal for the most part (I think he’s just good at the masking), but in hindsight there were some red flags of slowly escalating controlling behavior.”
“This kind of yanked the wool off my eyes.”
“He’s incredulous that I’d break up over a cat, and then tried to gaslight me by saying, ‘I cannot believe you actually think I wouldn’t feed your cat. I was maybe being a little hyperbolic, I had a few drinks the other night. Do you think I’m a monster?’ And so on.”
“Then it turned to how controlling it was and he laughed at me like I’m being dramatic. Mean laughter, I’ve never heard him do that before.”
“It went around and around, he was very intentionally pretending to not understand and was changing the subject a lot.”
“I told him, ‘I’m done, I’ll pack up whatever sh*t you have at my house and drop it at your work’.”
“I guess I’m feeling relieved that I found out before I let him further into my life. It still sucks. I’m good at being single, so life moves on.”
“ALSO, he’s a completely inside cat and I’ve changed the code on my door locks. We’re safe.”
If a significant other suddenly demands you choose them or your pet, always pick the pet.
Always. Pick. The. Pet.