There used to be a huge stigma around an adult living at home with their parents, but in today's economy, it's becoming increasingly common for adult children to stay in their parents' homes longer or to move back in after college or trade school.
Saving money and having a positive relationship with your parents shouldn't be a character flaw, but lying about who you live with could be, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Responsible-Yam100 had been dating a guy for about two months and was very open upfront about the fact that she valued honesty in her relationship.
When she discovered that her boyfriend was lying about living with his parents to save up money for a house, because he thought she wouldn't date him if she knew the truth, the Original Poster (OP) strongly considered breaking up with him, ironically not because of his parents but because of the lie.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for considering ending a relationship with my boyfriend after finding out he hid the fact that he lives with his parents from me?"
The OP became increasingly suspicious about her boyfriend's living situation the longer she dated him.
"I (58 Female) started dating a guy (53 Male) I met through a close friend at the beginning of June."
"Something did not seem right, and I kept asking about his living arrangements because I did not see much of him during the week."
"We live about 10 minutes from each other, in the same town."
Something about his story didn't add up.
"He initially told me he lived with his brother in a two-family house on the first floor, but after two months of dating, he just confessed that his parents live upstairs."
"When I looked it up on Zillow, it’s a single-family house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms."
"I think he lives with his parents, whom I have not met yet, in a single-family home, or maybe even a refinished in-law apartment."
"He would also say he’s going to his parents’ house for dinner, and I was not aware it was in the same place, just upstairs."
"He said his brother did not want him to bring different women around the house; however, now I think it is because he lives in his parents’ house."
"After asking more questions, his parents are healthy and do not need help financially. They have no mortgage and are fully retired. He also has a stable job but is saving up money for a house of his own. He previously lived for 18 years with his ex-fiancée in HER condo."
"He told me he didn’t tell me at first because he thought I would not go out with him. He is probably correct in assuming this."
The OP wasn't put off by living with his parents nearly as much as his lying, however.
"I really rely on honesty in relationships, and I said that outright from the beginning. So this felt like he disregarded one of my values from the very beginning."
"I am considering ending the relationship, not even because of his parents but because he lied. I can't help but wonder what else he isn't telling me or what else he might lie about in the future."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP that the concern wasn't so much that he lived with his parents as it was the lying.
"It’s the lying that is the problem. It wouldn’t bother me that he lives with his parents; I would always be wondering what else he won't tell me about." - bakedbaker319
"I can’t believe how many people are defending him for living with his parents. No one cares about that."
"He’s demonstrated that he’s a liar. That’s the problem here." - WeirdAlYankee
"He admitted to you that he lied in order to increase his chances of dating you. It’s the ease with which he manipulated you into seeing him for me. NOR." - a-petey
"I feel like the lying is the important part, but it also demonstrates that he doesn't solve his own problems."
"I don't think anything is wrong with living with parents, but he obviously does, because he lied about it."
"If he doesn't like living with parents or the societal judgment he'll receive for admitting he is, he can always move out instead of lying about it. Maybe even actually rent a place with his brother like he was claiming."
'He obviously thinks that is more acceptable... so why didn't he just do that?"
"Also, why do people think lying in relationships will work? Do they think people will just be like, 'Oh, you've lied to me the entire time, but I've come to love you so much that it's okay'? Please. NOR." - TailFwhips
"An honest man would tell you outright he’s living with his parents temporarily to help them, as they’re much older. He hid that from you and made up a lot of stuff. That signals how he communicates in general. You’re better off trying to date again." - braille_lover_5555
"I have no issue dating someone that lives with their parents. Plenty of people have great relationships with their families and live at home. The financial situation of the world right now means a lot more people are choosing to stay at home if they can."
"The lying is an issue, but I can understand him being embarrassed."
"There is no reason to be embarrassed or lie. I wouldn't leave him over this if he's good to you in every other aspect, but I would make it clear that I won't tolerate lying from now on, and this is the last chance to be honest."
"You also probably should go over and have dinner with his parents to confirm it is his parents and not a wife and kids... I wouldn't be happy until that happened."
"Edit: I just saw you say you probably wouldn't have dated him in the first place knowing this. That's an answer enough for you. If you're not happy with that arrangement, then it's best to part ways now." - DepressedChickenfeet
Others called the OP out, suspicious that it was really him living with his parents that was an issue for her.
"I would drop him for lying, and because it sounds like you aren't compatible. You said you would not have gone out with him if you knew he was living with his parents. So that's the end of it."
"In general, it might help to think about how different circumstances can cause people to have to live with others even if that is not their preference." - laughterwards
"I probably wouldn't want to date someone at 53 still living with his parents either. NOR. He's been shady with you from the start. You can't start a relationship founded on lies and half-truths." - CamilleYun
"You literally said in your opening post that you would have judged him for it before even meeting him or understanding the 'whys.'"
"If he has a job, income, his own car... Kinda understandable why he'd be cagey about it considering how judgmental society is."
"I don't know that you get to pretend this is actually about honesty and 'if he could omit this'?" - asteadywing
"NOR. I'm in my fifties, and I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a guy close to my age that lives with his parents, especially if they're healthy. It's okay to admit that."
"Another thing that jumped out at me was that he made a comment that apparently his brother was uncomfortable with him bringing different women home. So how many women did he supposedly take home, and how many women is he dating right now, including yourself?"
"If he started the relationship with you with little lies, although this is a biggie, can you imagine what else he'd be lying about? Any relationship that begins on lies crumbles pretty fast."
"I also realize that the economic situation right now across North America and other parts of the world is very fraught, so multiple Generations are living under the same roof. But he could have been honest with you from the get-go, and he chose not to be."
"Another thing: if you were introduced to him by a close friend, then why the heck didn't that close friend tell you about his living situation? That's not a good 'friend' if they're aware of the situation and did not tell you (at least assuming they didn't offhandedly mention it, or at least point out if his story about himself and what they knew about him didn't match up)." - Spirited_Complex_903
"Please. Let's be "honest"....the White Lie is NOT the big issue. The issue is living with the parents at 53."
"We can sugar-coat it all we like... but that's the OP's issue."
"The white lie about "where he exactly lives and with whom" in today's world, in fairness, probably SHOULD/could be a safety/privacy barrier to some NEW person one just met... not a huge LIAR problem."
"Why tell a new/stranger "exactly" where you live... It could be dangerous and invite all sorts of gibberish."
"(Notice the OP "immediately" researched the home of recon details... Why wouldn't THAT be off-putting enough to 'wait' to offer extreme details of one's life."
"60 days, AKA eight and a half weeks, is 'hiding' one's details over an extended amount of time... but maybe enough time to avoid a nut job or two."
"How many times would busy/working/life having 50-year-old adults have literally seen each other over eight and a half weeks 'five times,' maybe six."
"She's talking about having met his 'parents'... Why would she have necessarily met his 'parents' within knowing 'him' 60 days?"
"Different people are allowed different boundaries. In my honest opinion, the '53 with parents' is the TRUTH." - StewReddit2
"By that logic, why would you want to go out with someone who would judge you over this? Why would you choose someone you had to lie to in order to date?" - Box-O-Kittenz
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update.
"I decided to break it off since it had only been about two months. Honesty is very important to me."
"Thanks for all the comments and advice!"
The OP and the subReddit could all agree that the real problem here wasn't that the guy was living with his parents.
He'd held down a long-term relationship and lived with his ex-partner for nearly two decades, and he had a good enough relationship with his parents to move back in and save money to start his life over. That isn't a major character flaw.
The real issue was that, even though the OP pointed out that honesty was incredibly important to her, the guy still decided to lie about his living situation because he didn't believe she would date him otherwise.
Ironically, if he had just been honest, they'd probably still be dating.
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