Everyone wants to make a good impression on a partner’s parents.
But sometimes the parents will make it impossible.
So what does one do?
Sucking it up can take a personal emotional toll.
And being combative can cause relationship strife.
What a mess.
Case in point…
Redditor garlic_riot_187 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
“AITA for not wanting to ‘adjust’ to my (28 F[emale]) boyfriend’s (26 M[ale]) parents living with us for months at a time?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My B[oy]F[riend] and I have been living together for 3 years in a city in Australia.”
“A few months ago, his parents arrived from India to live with us.”
“I was excited to make an impression and went out of my way to make them feel comfortable.”
“They were nice to me in the beginning, but some of their demands started making me feel queasy in my own home…”
“1.They were uncomfortable with my boyfriend and I sleeping together in the same room, resulting in my boyfriend having to camp out in the living room for 2 months…”
“2. The mother taking over the kitchen and excluding me from grocery shopping even after requests to include me…”
“3. Not acknowledging me as his G[irl]F[riend] in front of friends…”
“4. Not offering to help with cleaning and general upkeep…”
“5. Rearranging furniture multiple times in spite of being requested not to…”
“6. The father expressing his concern over me not helping his wife in the kitchen (which wasn’t true)…”
“7. The parents giving credits to my BF and thanking him instead of me on multiple occasions even when they knew he was not involved in planning/execution of dinner parties/trips etc…”
“8. The father feeling ‘uncomfortable’ that I wore a short dress at home.”
“He did apologise later when I ended up crying about this but insisted that these are the ‘values’ his family has been brought up with.”
“I suppose my issue is not that his parents are not very nice to me.”
“But that my BF who has been nothing short of ideal all the years I’ve known him, seems to not acknowledge any of these as real issues and did not stand up for me when his father had an issue with my clothes.”
“All of my concerns were either dismissed with ‘So what? They’re guests.'”
“‘We have to make them feel comfortable’ or ‘My dad is traditional and there’s nothing wrong with his mentality.'”
“The parents left after spending 3 months here and I moved to another city in Australia for a job shortly after.”
“My long distance relationship has been great for the 4 months that we’ve been living apart and we see each other once a month.”
“However, my BF recently told me his parents are visiting shortly for 2 months again.”
“I am shocked that my BF wouldn’t consult me or warn me before their flight tickets were booked.”
“It has triggered the concerns I previously had and are met with ‘but they are MY PARENTS.'”
“I was also told that these visits will be frequent and I HAVE to be ok with this when I move back in with him.”
“I am being asked to give up my privacy and personal space for months every year.”
“I want to make it clear here that I would never ask my BF to stop his parents from visiting us for a few weeks once a year or so.”
“AITA for expecting my BF to take my needs into consideration and stand up for me when needed?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Don’t move back in with him until he and his parents start treating you as a full partner in the relationship.”
“If you don’t change the rules now, you can expect to be treated as an unwanted guest in your own home for the rest of your life.” ~ Individual_Ad_9213
“Agreed as to NTA but this family is never going to change so the best advice is don’t move back in with them and dump him after carefully explaining why.”
“A culture of a**holery is a**holery, not culture.”
“His parents are rude, overbearing, sexist, and creepy.”
“Bin the lot of them.” ~ Curious-One4595
“And, how he will expect her to behave if they are married.”
“He has no problem with their rules because, the second you have that ring on your finger, he will expect you to live these “rules” because she must be a respectful wife.”
“Funny how they don’t even want to interact with her yet have expectations about her cooking, dress, etc.”
“You can’t not communicate and also expect her to act according to unknown rules.”
“They are abusive.”
“I suspect the boyfriend is trying to break you down into someone like his mother, who doesn’t seem to have the same restrictions. NTA.”
“This is only the tip of the iceberg.”
“Once they have you locked down, they will move in and expect you to take care of them while your husband does nothing.”
“I’m CERTAIN he will expect you to be his personal slave from the way he treated you.”
“Dump him.” ~ babcock27
“If she’s being treated like this as a non-married G[irl]F[riend], I’d expect the treatment to be even worse if they should marry.”
“In some ways, being married would probably bring some more ‘respect,’ but I suspect that in other ways, being married would literally be seen as ‘joining the family’ as ‘the bottom of the totem pole’ for real.
“Either way – the parents may be wrong, but ultimately it is the BF that is the real red flag.”
“The moment the parents get there, the BF goes back to being the ‘boy king’ that is an issue in families where male heirs are lauded over everything else and where the woman and daughters are expected to serve, clean, cook and be humble, meek, and not make a fuss.”
“OP – make a fuss!”
“Make a real fuss about it, because this will not get better unless you push for it, and even then, far too often the boyfriend/husband falls back into the trap immediately the moment they feel that they’ve passed the hurdle.”
“Or better yet – you and the BF need some serious talks and maybe counselling.”
“This will not blow over and he will not change unless prompted to do so, and even then, this relationship may be over.”
“It’s easier to never marry a man who doesn’t have your back than to divorce him, especially with cultures where families and familial hierarchy are super important.” ~ NightSalut
“NTA. This will be your life going forward, unless you can maintain a small condo solely in your name, and where you can escape to when they come.”
“Because they will, and they will expect to stay with y’all for months.”
“And your boyfriend, like most Indian men, will take their side. Always.” ~ Ace-Bee
“NTA… but this is a cultural thing that’s absolutely not going to change.”
“1,000 Redditors could tell you it’s not fair and you’re still going to be stuck with 2-3 month visits every year.”
“Ask yourself if you’d want to be with him if 25% of every year will be like this.”
“I wouldn’t but that’s just me.” ~ capmanor1755
“Came here to say this.”
“You’re NTA, of course not, but they aren’t either – simply because they have no idea that they’re wrong, and don’t believe in the slightest that they need to change… even if they absolutely need to.”
“Those are their values, and they’re going to live by them, no matter what you say.”
“I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to take some serious calls about this relationship.” ~ NailsNSaw
“NTA. Your bf is waving lots of red flags at you.”
“He’s telling you that in the future he’ll be making decisions that impact you without consulting you, that he’ll stand by his parents as they mistreat you.”
“Because ‘there’s nothing wrong with their mentality.'”
“And that he’ll expect you to take on all the household work.”
“He’ll try to dress it as a cultural thing, but it’s not.”
“It’s an AH thing.”
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
“Now it’s up to you to decide whether you can live with that (and if you want children, whether this is how you want to raise them).” ~ Helpful_Hour1984
“You’ve been given the great gift of being able to get a glimpse into the future.”
“This is what the future with your BF would look like.”
“You will always be second to his parent’s will and whims.”
“He will not change and suddenly start putting you first.”
“He will not suddenly start standing up to his father and telling him to eff off when he speaks about your clothes/appearance.”
“He will not stand up to mummy dearest either.”
“You will always be number 2 behind his parents.
So take this kindly bestowed future vision that was gift-wrapped by the universe in the form of a horrible experience and ask yourself…”
“Is this how you want the rest of your life to look like? NTA.” ~ _____—–_____1
“I am an Indian too, but from a different culture – I’m shocked to see the number of comments confirming how rampant this is even in educated Indian families.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
There is a lot to unpack here.
It may be time for you and the BF to hit couples counseling.