Preparing for the arrival of a baby can be a stressful time.
It is, of course, a momentous time.
However, there is a great deal to prepare for.
And the life changes begin right away.
Constrictions on time, money, and physical limitations kick in immediately.
Not everyone is easily prepared for those changes.
Redditor No_Detective8552 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting to accompany my pregnant wife to every family event when I'm exhausted from work, dealing with back pain, and managing stress from my own family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (pregnant, due in August) has a large extended family and regularly attends birthdays and family gatherings, usually staying 2-3 days each time."
"This happens frequently — both for celebrations and regular visits."
"I work full-time, and it's been an extremely stressful period."
"I'm dealing with back pain that requires physical therapy, and I'm genuinely exhausted most days when I come home."
"On top of that, I've been going through significant stress with my own family."
"Earlier this year, I had been giving my parents a monthly financial contribution, but I had to pause it because of our baby coming, an upcoming move, and accumulated expenses."
"This caused a serious conflict — my father reacted badly, and my mother separately asked me to repay some money."
"My wife is fully aware of all of this."
"We've been trying to cut expenses to prepare for the baby."
"Despite that, she still buys gifts for her family members on various occasions."
"Individually, the gifts aren't expensive, but her family is large, and it adds up."
"I've mentioned this to her, but she doesn't seem to see it as a priority to cut back on."
"I also want to mention that we are planning to move specifically to be closer to her mom — something I agreed to because she needs that support during the pregnancy and beyond."
"I feel like that's already a significant gesture on my part."
"Now she wants me to come with her to her nephew's birthday this Friday."
"I told her I can't — I'm tired, and my back has been bad."
"She said she wants me there with her, which I understand, but given everything I'm carrying right now, I genuinely don't have the energy."
"She's currently a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-W[ife] because of the pregnancy."
"I respect that."
"But I feel like my physical limits and the stress I'm carrying aren't being acknowledged the same way — even though she knows everything I'm dealing with."
"I'm not saying she shouldn't have a relationship with her family."
"I feel like we're not on the same page about priorities and boundaries as we prepare for our first child."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA... 2-3 day birthday trips are a hostage situation with cake." ~ Claudine-Keith
"NTA, look, you have 2 issues."
"Wife wants to go. But not alone."
"She could ask another relative to drive her so she isn't alone."
"The other issue is the money. You've cut back on spending, but she hasn't."
"That's a problem."
"You should both be cutting back for the baby."
"Surely she could buy less expensive presents for her relatives." ~ vrcraftauthor
"NTA. Sounds like your wife enjoys and wants to fill her free time, but has forgotten you're not as free."
"You need to have a serious conversation with her, it's useless to everybody if you have no chance to rest and grow avoidable resentment and reach a burnout stage."
"Break down your finances on what you can spare and give her a budget." ~ Alpacachoppa
"She can also work while pregnant."
"The baby deserves financial security."
"I would make a budget with her."
"She can work if she prioritizes gifts for multiple family members." ~ room32a
"NTA, set a fair number of visits, such as once or twice per month."
"Let your wife pick the events, subject to your availability."
"Also, you should not be giving money to anyone, even your parents."
"You need it for your family. "
"Set a gift budget for you and your wife." ~ MeatofKings
"ESH, it sounds like you guys need some baseline couples therapy to work out some gigantic issues of family, finances, and goals for your lives and lifestyles BEFORE the baby comes, otherwise you're cruising toward building wells of resentment on both sides."
"These are very essential marriage questions you guys are not on the same page about."
"But I have to say, as a very pregnant woman, a man complaining about body pain or exhaustion does tend to get an eye roll."
"She is also in pain and exhausted just by existing."
"So I wouldn't lead with that part, as you did with your title." ~ nyc-to-tpe-2022
"NTA for not wanting to attend a kid's birthday party."
"She can go."
"NTA for stopping contributions to your parents, either."
"NTA for moving closer to your in-laws for free care and support."
"NTA if you call the family ahead, apologise to the parents, and say you will sit this birthday out because you have a back pain."
"You will make it up to their kid after your kid is born, and won't have this stress." ~ RelativeGuidance4354
"Suggest to her the choice: your money is limited, so either you buy a gift or save this money for a fancy stroller."
"Buy a gift or cool toys?"
"Then she'll see that the money can be used on something useful for the baby in the long run, and spending now affects spending then. NTA." ~ Inevitable_Entry6518
"If you guys can’t resolve this yourselves via communication, then you need to see a marriage counsellor."
"You need to be on the same page financially, and also in terms of what leisure time looks like as a family. NTA." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"NTA. You aren’t doing well."
"She can either skip altogether or go alone."
"I will skip my own mother’s birthday if my husband is sick."
"As for buying everyone gifts, honestly, with my husband, we have a rule: if it isn’t immediate family, we don’t spend from the common money but personal funds."
"Our core family comes first, then our parents, then siblings, then their kids, and so on." ~ TheFighan
"Ok, this is going to be some tough love, but believe me when I say this comes from a place of genuine love and understanding."
"I am a Dad with a young family (5-year-old, 0-year-old, and an angel baby)."
"I also have chronic back pain, high stress (a cortisol disorder), and fatigue."
"I'm not saying this to try to win the misery olympics, I'm saying it because reading your story reminds me a lot of my own."
"I'm assuming this is your first kid. If I'm wrong, what I say is still relevant to you, just in a different way."
"Listen up, this is the long and short of it."
"It's not about you anymore."
"Your baby comes first, your wife comes second, you come last."
"Meet your own needs, yes."
"Seek support where you can find it, yes. Share your feelings, yes, they're valid, and they matter."
"But at the same time, dig deep, put aside your selfishness, and put your family first."
"Nowhere will this be more obvious than in the delivery room in August."
"You will be going through the most intense, stressful, harrowing experience of your life, and at the same time, you'll be the least relevant and cared-for person in the room."
"There will be your amazing wife, your precious baby, the midwives, nurses, doctors, maybe surgeons, wardsmen... ALL of them outrank you in that room."
"You gotta push all your own sh*t down, grit your teeth, dig into your reserves, and be there for your family."
"This will continue for the next 30-60 years."
"This is Dad's life."
"It's ok, it's worth it."
"So yes."
"Be in pain."
"Set your boundaries."
"Do what you need to do to keep your own ship sailing."
"But put your wife and kid first."
"Your family needs you to."
"That's the only way."
"If this all sounds overwhelming, can I recommend you look into the philosophy of the Stoics?"
"That's helped me understand that it's not about me anymore."
"It doesn't matter if my life, on balance, is a net negative."
"It only matters how my life impacts others, especially my family."
"Obviously, NTA, you're doing your best, and your suffering is valid."
"You just need a perspective shift to be able to see this thing through."
"You got this, brother."
"If you ever need support, join us over on r/daddit. You are welcome there today." ~ DubDubDubAtDubDotCom
"NTA- She should be okay with going to some family events alone."
"If she’s using pregnancy as the reason why she doesn’t travel alone, it should also be the reason why she politely declines the invite to the birthday party." ~ KerseyH
"NTA. I never force my husband to come to family events because I just know he doesn’t enjoy them."
"He doesn’t even like going to his own side's family events."
"I enjoy them, so just go with my parents and make excuses for him." ~ Bee088
Reddit feels your pain, OP.
You have A LOT going on.
You must prioritize your health and well-being.
Otherwise, you'll be of no use to anyone, especially yourself.
Hopefully, your wife will soon understand this.
Congratulations and good luck!
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