Preparing for the arrival of a baby can be a stressful time.
It is, of course, a momentous time.
However, there is a great deal to prepare for.
And the life changes begin right away.
Constrictions on time, money, and physical limitations kick in immediately.
Not everyone is easily prepared for those changes.
Redditor No_Detective8552 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting to accompany my pregnant wife to every family event when I'm exhausted from work, dealing with back pain, and managing stress from my own family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (pregnant, due in August) has a large extended family and regularly attends birthdays and family gatherings, usually staying 2-3 days each time."
"This happens frequently — both for celebrations and regular visits."
"I work full-time, and it's been an extremely stressful period."
"I'm dealing with back pain that requires physical therapy, and I'm genuinely exhausted most days when I come home."
"On top of that, I've been going through significant stress with my own family."
"Earlier this year, I had been giving my parents a monthly financial contribution, but I had to pause it because of our baby coming, an upcoming move, and accumulated expenses."
"This caused a serious conflict — my father reacted badly, and my mother separately asked me to repay some money."
"My wife is fully aware of all of this."
"We've been trying to cut expenses to prepare for the baby."
"Despite that, she still buys gifts for her family members on various occasions."
"Individually, the gifts aren't expensive, but her family is large, and it adds up."
"I've mentioned this to her, but she doesn't seem to see it as a priority to cut back on."
"I also want to mention that we are planning to move specifically to be closer to her mom — something I agreed to because she needs that support during the pregnancy and beyond."
"I feel like that's already a significant gesture on my part."
"Now she wants me to come with her to her nephew's birthday this Friday."
"I told her I can't — I'm tired, and my back has been bad."
"She said she wants me there with her, which I understand, but given everything I'm carrying right now, I genuinely don't have the energy."
"She's currently a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-W[ife] because of the pregnancy."
"I respect that."
"But I feel like my physical limits and the stress I'm carrying aren't being acknowledged the same way — even though she knows everything I'm dealing with."
"I'm not saying she shouldn't have a relationship with her family."
"I feel like we're not on the same page about priorities and boundaries as we prepare for our first child."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA... 2-3 day birthday trips are a hostage situation with cake." ~ Claudine-Keith
"NTA, look, you have 2 issues."
"Wife wants to go. But not alone."
"She could ask another relative to drive her so she isn't alone."
"The other issue is the money. You've cut back on spending, but she hasn't."
"That's a problem."
"You should both be cutting back for the baby."
"Surely she could buy less expensive presents for her relatives." ~ vrcraftauthor
"NTA. Sounds like your wife enjoys and wants to fill her free time, but has forgotten you're not as free."
"You need to have a serious conversation with her, it's useless to everybody if you have no chance to rest and grow avoidable resentment and reach a burnout stage."
"Break down your finances on what you can spare and give her a budget." ~ Alpacachoppa
"She can also work while pregnant."
"The baby deserves financial security."
"I would make a budget with her."
"She can work if she prioritizes gifts for multiple family members." ~ room32a
"NTA, set a fair number of visits, such as once or twice per month."
"Let your wife pick the events, subject to your availability."
"Also, you should not be giving money to anyone, even your parents."
"You need it for your family. "
"Set a gift budget for you and your wife." ~ MeatofKings
"ESH, it sounds like you guys need some baseline couples therapy to work out some gigantic issues of family, finances, and goals for your lives and lifestyles BEFORE the baby comes, otherwise you're cruising toward building wells of resentment on both sides."
"These are very essential marriage questions you guys are not on the same page about."
"But I have to say, as a very pregnant woman, a man complaining about body pain or exhaustion does tend to get an eye roll."
"She is also in pain and exhausted just by existing."
"So I wouldn't lead with that part, as you did with your title." ~ nyc-to-tpe-2022
"NTA for not wanting to attend a kid's birthday party."
"She can go."
"NTA for stopping contributions to your parents, either."
"NTA for moving closer to your in-laws for free care and support."
"NTA if you call the family ahead, apologise to the parents, and say you will sit this birthday out because you have a back pain."
"You will make it up to their kid after your kid is born, and won't have this stress." ~ RelativeGuidance4354
"Suggest to her the choice: your money is limited, so either you buy a gift or save this money for a fancy stroller."
"Buy a gift or cool toys?"
"Then she'll see that the money can be used on something useful for the baby in the long run, and spending now affects spending then. NTA." ~ Inevitable_Entry6518
"If you guys can’t resolve this yourselves via communication, then you need to see a marriage counsellor."
"You need to be on the same page financially, and also in terms of what leisure time looks like as a family. NTA." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"NTA. You aren’t doing well."
"She can either skip altogether or go alone."
"I will skip my own mother’s birthday if my husband is sick."
"As for buying everyone gifts, honestly, with my husband, we have a rule: if it isn’t immediate family, we don’t spend from the common money but personal funds."
"Our core family comes first, then our parents, then siblings, then their kids, and so on." ~ TheFighan
"Ok, this is going to be some tough love, but believe me when I say this comes from a place of genuine love and understanding."
"I am a Dad with a young family (5-year-old, 0-year-old, and an angel baby)."
"I also have chronic back pain, high stress (a cortisol disorder), and fatigue."
"I'm not saying this to try to win the misery olympics, I'm saying it because reading your story reminds me a lot of my own."
"I'm assuming this is your first kid. If I'm wrong, what I say is still relevant to you, just in a different way."
"Listen up, this is the long and short of it."
"It's not about you anymore."
"Your baby comes first, your wife comes second, you come last."
"Meet your own needs, yes."
"Seek support where you can find it, yes. Share your feelings, yes, they're valid, and they matter."
"But at the same time, dig deep, put aside your selfishness, and put your family first."
"Nowhere will this be more obvious than in the delivery room in August."
"You will be going through the most intense, stressful, harrowing experience of your life, and at the same time, you'll be the least relevant and cared-for person in the room."
"There will be your amazing wife, your precious baby, the midwives, nurses, doctors, maybe surgeons, wardsmen... ALL of them outrank you in that room."
"You gotta push all your own sh*t down, grit your teeth, dig into your reserves, and be there for your family."
"This will continue for the next 30-60 years."
"This is Dad's life."
"It's ok, it's worth it."
"So yes."
"Be in pain."
"Set your boundaries."
"Do what you need to do to keep your own ship sailing."
"But put your wife and kid first."
"Your family needs you to."
"That's the only way."
"If this all sounds overwhelming, can I recommend you look into the philosophy of the Stoics?"
"That's helped me understand that it's not about me anymore."
"It doesn't matter if my life, on balance, is a net negative."
"It only matters how my life impacts others, especially my family."
"Obviously, NTA, you're doing your best, and your suffering is valid."
"You just need a perspective shift to be able to see this thing through."
"You got this, brother."
"If you ever need support, join us over on r/daddit. You are welcome there today." ~ DubDubDubAtDubDotCom
"NTA- She should be okay with going to some family events alone."
"If she’s using pregnancy as the reason why she doesn’t travel alone, it should also be the reason why she politely declines the invite to the birthday party." ~ KerseyH
"NTA. I never force my husband to come to family events because I just know he doesn’t enjoy them."
"He doesn’t even like going to his own side's family events."
"I enjoy them, so just go with my parents and make excuses for him." ~ Bee088
Reddit feels your pain, OP.
You have A LOT going on.
You must prioritize your health and well-being.
Otherwise, you'll be of no use to anyone, especially yourself.
Hopefully, your wife will soon understand this.
Congratulations and good luck!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp