When two people commit to a marriage or long-term relationship, they commit to building a life together, including making decisions together.
If a person continues to make all of their important decisions without their partner, they might as well not be in a relationship, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor cherrybolt had been married for more than fifteen years, but her husband repeatedly made major decisions, like purchasing cars, without involving her and only telling her when she found out on her own.
When he accused her of feeling like he had to hide things like this from her, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and questioned what their future looked like.
She asked the sub:
"Am I wrong for being upset that my husband keeps making major life decisions behind my back?"
The OP's husband purchased a car behind her back a few years ago.
"My husband and I have very different personalities. He’s impulsive and a dreamer while I’m the practical one who manages our household and financial logistics."
"A few years ago, after his dad died, he wanted to buy a third 'fun' car."
"I told him we couldn’t afford it, but he went behind my back, took out a personal loan, and bought it anyway. It was a huge breach of trust and was devastating for me."
Recently, he made another big decision without involving her.
"Fast forward to a few weeks ago, he told me he was considering a management position that he’d always said he didn’t want and that would keep him at work far more than he already is."
"I shared my concerns since he is a workaholic and the amount he works has already been a point of contention for us."
"I told him I was worried he would accept the role without us discussing it more in depth, and he assured me he understood my concerns and wouldn’t do that."
"Lo and behold, he accepted the role and has been in it for a couple of weeks, which I found out accidentally when someone texted him congratulations."
When the OP approached her husband about the job, she was shocked by his reaction.
"When I confronted him about it, he initially lied to me, and his reasoning for not telling me is because he 'knew I’d talk him out of it.'"
"His family, friends, coworkers, and even people at other branches knew, and I didn’t. I’m hurt because this is the second major life decision he’s made behind my back after promising he wouldn’t; he lied to me, and kept this hidden from me while telling everyone else."
"He says I’m being selfish, and if the roles were reversed and I didn’t tell him about taking the job, he’d actually feel bad that I felt like I had to hide it."
"But I feel like this is how a single person would act, while I'm operating from a married couple's perspective..."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out to the OP that her husband did not respect her as a wife and partner.
"He makes choices as if he were a single person. I think you need to assess whether this is something you can learn to live with or whether it's a continued pattern that goes against everything you believe for your marriage."
"Me? Mmm, it wouldn't work for me. Perhaps you should stop managing everything for him and start looking out for yourself. Same behaviour." - Quiet-Hamster6509
"This guy is getting his cake and eating it too, and telling her she should be happy about it. This marriage suits him down to the ground; he makes decisions like he's single, and goes home to a wife that manages his life like a mommy, but he can sleep with her..."
"The car would have been the point where the line in the sand went down (even though I doubt this was the first time he's done something disrespectful to their partnership), and a conversation about the relationship, trust, decision making was had."
"The dishonesty about the promotion should be the moment where OP needs to decide if she's even in a marriage. The roles would never be reversed because she is in a marriage and understands and respects what that entails. He's not, he doesn't, and I'm not sure that he even truly loves her."
"People who love their partner don't encumber them with loans/financial responsibilities (and if they split, she would have to argue hard, and maybe not win, the argument that she should not be responsible for half that loan) or wilfully remove themselves for more hours in the day when the partner is saying that there's already a problem with the hours not available for home."
"I'm sorry, OP, I think you have a hard decision to make. If this behavior (that started as a cute 'spur of the moment'/free wheeling character trait but has morphed into large financial and time commitments that negatively impact you and your situation) is an ongoing pattern of behavior, is it sustainable in your marriage long term, and can you afford to wait and see?" - Mouse589
"NTA. Making major life decisions should be a discussion. He doesn’t trust you, and he’s shown that you can’t trust him… Is this really what you want from life? He’s lied to you twice that you know of, and he doesn’t respect your opinions at all." - WaryScientist
"I don’t even think that he doesn’t trust OP. I think he believes that he has OP locked down, and he can do WHATEVER he wants and OP will just accept it and make it work."
"He doesn’t think they're his partner; they’re just someone he has to apologize to." - Vegetable-Cod-2340
"NTA. I would’ve just left him after the car decision. He simply doesn’t care about your opinion, and he won’t compromise." - Shichimi88
"His actions are clearly saying your opinion does not matter to him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You deserve better." - tarnishau14
"Wow. So a person who lies to avoid 'getting in trouble' is a person who is a liar... about lots of things. Many things."
"This is such a red flag. You can see the future, right?"
"'I didn’t tell you I booked this vacation even though we can’t afford it.' 'I didn’t tell you I went to dinner alone with this woman.' 'I didn’t tell you I forgot to pay taxes.' 'I didn’t tell you that...'"
"Liars lie. He wants what he wants, when he wants it."
"Now, the actual issue of a promotion, he wants it, the money, the glory, and your needs are not as important."
"I would not be able to get over the lie." - Overall_Display_8475
"At this point, what is it your gaining from the relationship besides stress and some guy living with you while he's living a double life?"
"Meanwhile, you can't even live just your one because of his recklessness and his secrecy. It sounds like he puts being your husband as his last priority."
"Also, it makes me wonder, did he take this management position for the money because he's in more debt than he's telling you? I'd be taking a hard look at my relationship and secretly separating everything starting now. You need a backup plan to escape."
"NTA. I have a really bad feeling there are way more secrets. I'm so sorry." - humanityneverexisted
"NTA."
"'He says I’m being selfish, and if the roles were reversed and I didn’t tell him about taking the job, he’d actually feel bad that I felt like I had to hide it.' What the f**k? That's some hardcore manipulating gaslighting s**t, right there."
"I think it's time for you to start making a few major life decisions without telling him. Here are two ideas:"
"First, Move out."
"Second, On the same day, you serve him divorce papers."
"If he goes, 'Oh my goooood, how could you do it?'"
"Just reply with a, 'Oh, but our marriage has been full of you going behind my back and making decisions without me. I just learned from the best. I thought you would be proud of me! I certainly would have been proud of you if you had copied me some more. I really don't understand why you're so upset. I think you owe me an apology for lashing out when all I did was copy your behavior.'" - Whereswolf
"NTA. You should have left after he made the first major life decision without you. You don't have a partnership. He does what he wants without regard for how it affects you and your relationship. Time to see a divorce lawyer." - 1RainbowUnicorn
Others who had experienced similar marriages sympathized with the OP, already certain how this would end.
"I remember when it hit me that I was a team player in my marriage and my ex wasn’t. I’m sorry. You have some tough choices to make." - Treehousehunter
"NTA. I was married to the same kind of man. Keyword: WAS. Trust me, this life is not sustainable. The complete disrespect for you is not going to change. My only regret is staying as long as I did." - Top-Rutabaga-7745
"OP, your husband is a liar. The lies will continue and get bigger. THINK!"
"What's the last straw? A separate bank account, mysterious cash withdrawals, a female 'friend' he stays in touch with, a private POB, 'weekend business trips,' a burner phone?"
"Don't ask me how I know all this." - YouBYou
"First, you need to lock your credit and money DOWN so he can't blindside you again."
"But also, do you realize your relationship has come to this that you have to lock down your credit because your husband is untrustworthy and, quite frankly, immature and very disrespectful and dishonest. Do you really want to live your life like this?"
Most divorces are due to financial infidelity. I would really consider counseling or calling an attorney at this point. He's committed two huge breaches of trust. If it were me, I wouldn't wait around for another one." - Signal_Violinist_995
"Make a plan, save up, and then issue divorce papers to him since he likes surprises so much. You can make plans without his input, too!" - Sparklingwine23
The subReddit could not help but side-eye the situation, questioning what the OP got from this marriage beyond a certificate.
A person who still makes all of their decisions without their partner is a person acting like they're single, not someone who values their relationship.
