The holidays are supposed to be about generosity, but sometimes gift-giving can bring out the worst in people.
No one should feel obligated to buy someone a present, but there's something to be said for putting a little thought into making a loved one feel appreciated.
And when someone expects that consideration from others without offering any in return, things can get complicated.
One Redditor found themselves caught in a family feud after deciding their older brother's lack of effort on their birthday would be reflected in his Christmas stocking. Redditor u/blueandholy wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for 'punishing' my brother by not getting him a gift?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I turned 21 last month, and my older brother didn't get me anything."
"Not even a card."
"My dad asked me what I wanted to do with him and my brother for my birthday this year, so I asked to visit this vegan restaurant I love because they do this awesome sweet potato salad concoction... lol."
"Plus, my dad said he wanted to be more health-aware this year, so I thought he'd appreciate a 'health' place."
"Anyway, my dad starts driving us to the spot and passes me my gift through the gap in the chair. "
"It's a locket with a picture of my recently passed cat and one of her teeth encased in resin."
"I love it, and it means so much to me."
"My brother asks to see it and Damn near screams and throws the box back at my face and says it's gross/disgusting and why would I ever want that."
"I think it's a little rude, but I know how he is, and I just want to have a good day, so I leave it."
"I then jokingly ask where my present from him is if my dad's was so 'gross.'"
"He says, 'Oh, I hate getting presents for my birthday, so I didn't get you one... What?'"
"He's never mentioned not liking presents before, but okay."
"I asked, 'Oh... not even a card?'"
"And he gets quiet and says, 'No, he didn't get me anything."
"Dinner went fine until the end, when my brother called me stupid and began shouting because I said the wrong word in relation to a game mechanic on C[all] O[f] D[uty]."
"He also said he'd pay for his meal, but my dad ended up having to pay as he 'forgot his card.'"
"He promised he'd pay our dad back but never did."
"Fast forward to yesterday, my dad sent me my brother's Christmas list (we all make one, parents included, and just get whatever we can afford off the list). "
"I told my dad he's not getting anything from me this year after he didn't even get me a card for my birthday."
"My dad thinks this is unfair and petty, but my brother makes 5 grand a month and couldn't even get me a card for my 21st?"
"Plus, he said he hates presents, so I don't see the problem."
"Apparently, my dad mentioned this to my brother last night because now my phone's blowing up with messages from him asking why I'm punishing him by not getting him a gift because he 'forgot' my birthday card."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Your brother sucks."
"I wouldn't get him anything or interact with him outside of when we are both with our parents. NTA." ~ pomagrantegreentea
"Also, he let their dad pay for his meal and never paid it back, then got on the phone about fairness."
"Someone who can’t manage a card on 5k a month isn’t short on money or time; he just doesn’t do things for other people." ~ IllustriousTermmm
"You simply said he told you he hates getting presents for his birthday, so you assumed that would be the same for Christmas too, so you're respecting his boundary, and respecting a boundary is not punishing him NTA." ~ Regular_Look_1962
"NTA, and I would definitely set some solid internal boundaries to protect yourself from him."
"It sounds like your parents are drinking his Kool-Aid (it’s amazing how many people enable abusers or even just terrible people)."
"Do try and be careful with them as well."
"You seem like you turned out to be a lovely person - don’t let them change you 🙏🏽." ~ Ok_Butterfly7934
"NTA. Your brother seems like a truly awful person."
"If you can’t go no contact or low contact."
"Your brother is very abusive." ~ mismarr
"There’s always the dollar store, the thrift store, or a big bag of pick-a-mix candy."
"Depends on how petty you feel like getting, and how much blowback you want to face from the rest of the family."
"Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes it’s just not."
"A good one is a dollar store card (for the passive-aggressive factor), and a dollar store frame with a portrait of you."
"So he can 'Always keep you in his heart.'"
" The key is to present it with an absolutely straight face. It loses all its impact if you start smirking or giggling. "
"Absolute sincerity is the key." ~ InJen-
"NTA, but I don't think you're being 'smart' enough about this."
"Now he can complain to everyone you are running Christmas, he can involve others because it's Christmas, and your 'revenge' can be seen as unequal."
"I think you should either not get him something for his birthday or (and this is what petty me would do) you can get him a Christmas gift that is like, congratulations, x amount of money has been donated to x charity in your name."
"That way you can't really be called out on not giving him a present, but a message is sent."
"Also, I would have a conversation with him about the fact that how he feels right now is how you felt on your birthday."
"If none of that works, you guys should just stop giving gifts to each other." ~ Both-Enthusiasm708
"NTA. Your brother sounds like a cheap ass loudmouth who likes to nag at others but can’t stand criticism."
"And sadly, your parents seem to enable this behavior by not presenting consequences and rather finding excuses."
"Your brother said he don’t like presents; he ain’t getting them."
"Your brother initially said he didn’t get you nothing, and now he’s trying to weasel out of his own words."
"Because he does, in fact, want the presents and the attention, he just doesn’t want to invest himself, neither money nor thought."
"Don’t waste hard-earned money on this type of hubris." ~ Ok_Barnacle8960
"NTA I would get him a single roll of cheap toilet paper because he's an as*hole!"
"He can't be bothered to recognize your birthday but expects a Christmas gift ??!!"
"Absolutely not unless it's coal for his stocking!"
"A copy of A Christmas Carol would be fitting!" ~ ApartmentHot5376
"NAH. Your brother sounds like a creep."
"For the sake of family unity, why don't you make a compromise with your brother?"
"You will agree to pick something from his Christmas list if he does the same for you."
"Make sure to say this in front of your father so that he knows that your brother has promised."
"Later, ask Dad to shop with him so that he follows through on his promise."
"Maybe that will make him change his ways and start giving people cards and gifts, but I doubt it."
"When he gets married, I bet he will be one of those numbskulls that forget their anniversary." ~ Signal-Lead-9512
"NTA. Your brother makes 5k a month, 'forgets' to get you even a birthday card, makes your dad pay for his food and never pays him back, and throws a tantrum because you're matching his energy?"
"Gift-giving goes both ways."
"If he claims he 'hates gifts' and didn't bother for your 21st birthday, he shouldn't throw a fit when he doesn't get one either."
"He's just upset that his selfishness has consequences."
"Stick to your guns!" ~ Monmon71122
"NTA. He said he hates getting gifts, so you’re just treating him the way he wants to be treated."
"If anything, you’re being a very kind, respectful sibling."
"If he doesn’t get you a gift and said he hates getting gifts, then the kindest thing you can do is honor his wishes by not wasting your money on him." ~ Amazing_Mr_Cat
"Not getting someone a birthday present is different than a Christmas present for a lot of people."
"Did you get him anything for his last birthday?"
"Not doing birthdays at 21 and 35 isn't that strange, while skipping Christmas will be viewed as petty."
"It also sounds like your brother may be on the spectrum." ~ LackingTact19
"NTA. My guess is that he's resented your existence from the day he learned he wasn't going to be a spoiled only child anymore."
"Having to acknowledge it with a gift is a step too far now that you're a full-fledged, drinking-age adult."
"Has he even acted for a moment like a loving brother at any time in the last year?"
"Based on this glimpse of his personality, I doubt it."
"Nothing he's done warrants a gift."
"And everything he has done warrants NOT giving him anything at all."
"However, if you want to keep the peace in the family, you could make a minimal effort, appease your parents, and make him look bad by giving him a simple Christmas card with a $20 gift card in it."
"Make it either a generic gift card, or get one from some place he actually likes, so he can't accuse you of being spiteful."
"You taking the high road makes him look like the lowlife sh*t he is." ~ Holden3DStudio
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your Dad is trying to keep the peace, but that doesn't mean you have to give in.
He gave you nothing.
He can expect nothing.
