Healthy relationships are, by nature, give-and-take. The parties do things for one another to add value to the connection.
But what if one party chooses to contribute nothing?
An older sibling turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after coming to a realization about their relationship with their younger sister.
Throwingparty15284 asked:
“AITA for telling my sister ‘you are selfish’ and canceling her engagement dinner at my place?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have a younger sibling, and it seems like I am always helping her. In colleg,e I would help her with essays. I would listen to her problems. If she got stuck somewhere, I would go and pick her up.”
“She is 24 now, and it has gotten pretty clear that she doesn’t reciprocate helping out. Or do any favors for family.”
“My brother and I have both noticed it. I had a conversation with her about it, and she said she would do better.”
“Recently, she asked if I could use my house for her engagement dinner, and I agreed. It was a big favor in my opinion, and I have been helping plan it.”
“My sister lives very close to my kids’ daycare. I left work, and on the way home, there was a huge crash on the highway.”
“I wasn’t moving at all (it took me 4 hours to get home ). My husband was also stuck in it. The daycare called asking where I was, and I told them I am trying to get there.”
“They bill an extra 100 every 30 mins you are late.”
“I called my sister and asked her to pick up the kids and just hold on to them for a few hours until I can grab them. She told me no and that she wanted to relax tonight.”
“I told her I really need her to do this favor because I was stuck, and it didn’t seem like I would be moving anytime soon. I told her I would Venmo her the money for the daycare, but to please pick them up.”
“She told me no again and hung up.”
“I ended up calling my mother-in-law, who is an hour away, and she was able to pick the kids up and stay at our place until we got back around 9. I was in traffic for 4 hours.”
“To be honest, I have been pissed since that happened last Thursday.”
“I have helped my sister over and over again, and she couldn’t do me a simple favor when she is literally 10 mins away from the daycare because she wanted to relax…”
“I talked it over, and my husband and I both agreed we were done helping her.”
“I sent her a text that said, family is supposed to help each other, and it has become clear that she only ever wants help and is not willing to help. I told her I will not be hosting her engagement party and will not do her any favors anymore.”
“She called, and we got into a huge argument where I called her selfish, and she called me petty.”
“I want an outsider’s opinion because I am pissed about this whole thing.”
“The party is in about two weeks. I don’t care if it costs her money, and she needs to cancel the caterers. It’s not my problem.”
“It won’t cost the guests anything, so I don’t care if she is screwed. She can figure it out. My mom and brother are on my side with this, so I don’t care.”
“She literally just cost me 400 dollars—two kids picked up two hours late.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I could be the dick for taking away my hosting of the engagement party because my sister never helps me or does any favors.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“She doesn’t deserve a dinner. Tell her you need to relax that night!” ~ True_Carry_3153
“It would be fair enough if the sister was somewhere that she couldn’t get back from, but to be at home and refuse because she ‘needs to relax’ is shocking!”
“Definitely doesn’t deserve the dinner!” ~ lorn33
“You just taught your sister a valuable lesson. She is perfectly entitled to decide that relaxing is more important than helping you out.”
“But there are consequences for actions. She is getting consequences. NTA.” ~ Quick-Possession-245
“Sure, the sister doesn’t owe OP free childcare (or childcare at all). Possibly hours of hosting the children, entertaining them, feeding them, cleaning up after it’s all over.”
“But the flip side of that is also true…”
“OP does not owe their sister a free engagement party venue. Possibly hours of hosting the guests, entertaining them, feeding them, cleaning up after it’s all over.”
“Plus, planning and setup for a party would take way more than the 20-minute round trip it would have taken the sister to pick up the kids from daycare.”
“The sister made her priorities very clear; she chose to relax in her own space instead of helping out her family in an emergency.”
“OP is well within their rights to prioritise those same things and relax in their own space rather than help family out by hosting in a situation that is not an emergency at all because an engagement party is a pre-planned event.” ~ InevitableAnybody6
“And wait till her expectations start rolling in if she has her own kids. Every family member will be required to raise them and her!” ~ HighAltitude88008
“I truly think people forget that you have to give back if you want people to help you in the future.”
“You can’t just take all the time.”
“The whole ‘you don’t have to do sh*t for anyone’ is true, but live with no one ever wanting to help you if you act that way all the time.” ~ SoccerProblem3547
“If one party just takes all the time, it is now a parasitic relationship.”
“Also, shame on her for being OK with leaving her nieces/nephews at a daycare for hours. I feel bad for any children she may have one day. Just wait until she realizes how nice it would have been to have a kind sister to help out.” ~ Accomplished_unknown
“Just say due to the unexpected daycare costs, you are unable to host. Actions have consequences.” ~ Andromeda_starnight
“People need to know the exact reason you’re cutting them off. Sister deserves to know it’s because of her selfish behavior.” ~ FSUfan35
“NTA. She’s completely ungrateful and is not yet recognizing what it means to be an adult, contributing member of a family.”
“Often the younger siblings are the selfish ones because the older kids always get told by mom and dad, ‘help your sister, she can’t climb the ladder,’ or ‘bring your sister too!’ or ‘can she get a job where you’re working?’ They are late to the adult game, and this is a perfect example.”
“She decided to be selfish when you were clearly in a huge jam (literally) and really needed her, and she turned her back. Well, now she’ll find out that people do not want to do favours for those who haven’t got the time of day to be kind back.”
“Cancel that party ASAP.” ~ LiveKindly01
“My little sister would have run out the door to grab the kids the second I asked.” ~ periwinkle_cupcake
“I don’t like kids, but if my sister actually asked me, I’d be out that door too.” ~ FamousOnceNowNobody
“My husband has a sibling like this. We call her One Way Olivia.”
“You have to put your foot down, or it never ends. NTA.” ~ Ok_Stable7501
“I used to have a friend like that. Used to being the keywords. Her family had a similar name for her, too, but I’m not going to repeat it here since she’s on Reddit and would recognize it immediately.”
“She always gets super pissed at the nickname, but doesn’t actually do anything about her behavior. Said behavior ended our friendshi,p of course.”
“She just took and took and took and took and took. And when I finally grew a spine enough to set a boundary, she threatened me.”
“One way, Olivia. I’ve learned to put my foot down a lot sooner, though, if this ever happens again with anyone else.” ~ Toosder
“NTA. Your sister may FINALLY learn there are consequences for being a selfish, entitled @ss, but probably not.”
“She is 24, and she can’t even be a decent human being to her sister, who is overly gracious to even allow the party at their home.”
“I feel for her fiancé.” ~ Odd-End-1405
“NTA, and what kind of aunt is willing to leave her niece or nephew without someone to pick them up from daycare‽‽” ~ Feeling-Paint-2196
“As an aunt, this is what I’m thinking. If either of my brothers called me up to say they needed me to go pick up their kids, I’d just ask for the address.” ~ isabelladangelo
“NTA. Your sister was just taught a very valuable lesson from this. Whether she’ll learn from it, we’ll see.” ~ CollarWinter7614
“NTA. For what it’s worth, my youngest sister was very similar. She was very transactional in her approach to relationships: she ‘helping’ only if we paid her or did something for her. But if she needed/wanted something, she expected everyone to drop what we were doing to attend to her. My mom definitely enabled this behaviour.” ~ vesper_tine
OP has reached their breaking point with their sister.
Stepping back from the relationship seems like the best solution for now.