One of the struggles of living with someone else is deciding how the responsibilities in the home will be divided up.
Sometimes people just can't agree on how to split up the chores, according to the "
Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor AITA__breakfast was furious when her boyfriend started saying she was lazy for not wanting to get up extra early to make breakfast for his children.
When the two of them couldn't come to an agreement, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was being selfish.
She asked the sub:"AITA for refusing to wake up early to make my boyfriend's kids' breakfast?"
The OP moved in with her boyfriend and his kids."I (26 [female]) have recently moved in with my boyfriend (37 [male])." "He's the breadwinner while I'm currently unemployed but in the process of looking for a job." "He has 2 school-age kids and they're the best!"Everything was fine outside of the morning routine."We almost don't argue at all, except lately where he's been expecting me to wake up early every day to get the kids ready for school and make them breakfast (which is complicated since the kids are super picky eaters)." "I was confused since he used to handle this part, so I asked Why? What changed now?" "I asked whether he actually believes in gender stereotypes because it's ridiculous to expect me to prepare complicated breakfast every day because I'm a woman." "He said I was wrong with my assumption but figured since I'm unemployed, then this is the least I could to help him out and make the kids breakfast and get them ready for school while he focuses on work and earning a living since he is the breadwinner."The OP did not agree with her boyfriend."I corrected him, saying I'm not a stay-at-home mom. I'm just temporarily out of job and plan to find one soon." "I asked what he's going to do if I start working. Is he going to expect me to get the kids ready and make them breakfast still?" "He said since I'm not working right now, then I needed to pick up the slack. Then we'll talk once I find a job and start working." "He advised me to regulate my sleep schedule and stop staying up all night to be able to wake up early in the morning, which was offensive of him to say, because it came off as controlling." "I told him I refuse to do what he's telling me." "He ended up calling me lazy and irresponsible and also claimed I'm an opportunist constantly making excuses to get out of doing chores, even though I cook and clean." "I think he wants me to play stay-at-home mom, although I said I'm not when the kids are mainly his responsibility as a parent.""AITA? Or is he?"
The OP updated the post with a few additional details about the home routine."I do help with the kids from cleaning to cooking for them AND also teaching them in the kitchen." "However!!! The morning routine has always been handled by their father." "In the past, he wouldn't even let me intervene in their homework, and yes, I did all that while also working a job." "Now he's calling me LAZY regularly and in front of his family!!! You can only imagine how awful that makes me feel and like I'm not doing enough."Fellow Redditors weighed in:- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was NTA because of helping with other things in the house."I was a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) for 8 years. The one thing I didn't do was get up at the butt crack of dawn to pack my very capable wife's lunch." "I did all of the cleaning, the yard work, I made sure all the bills were paid on time, did all the shopping." "I ran the household so that my wife could just come home after work, have dinner and relax." "I just didn't make her lunch, which my wife never requested or cared about." "My MIL (mother-in-law) had a d**n coronary when she found out. It was literally a thing for months and caused several arguments." "My point is that y'all are only thinking of this one thing she isn't doing and aren't asking at all about what else she is doing. I have insomnia so getting to pack a lunch when I had been asleep for maybe 2 hours would have been h**l." "Based on my own experiences, I'm inclined to say NTA. Also, a request is one thing, a demand is another. Maybe he should have asked nicely." "Calling her an opportunist because she doesn't want to do this one thing is petty and low." - WifeofBath1984
"He can totally ask for her help, but If she says no and she does help with other stuff, he doesn't have the right to demand it, and worse than that, shame and berate her over not doing what he told her to do." "OP is setting a boundary here, not changing her routine so he won't accommodate and dump the responsibility on her indefinitely." "The fact he avoided the discussion when she asked what would happen once she gets a job makes it pretty clear to me he just doesn't want to do It anymore and when she finds a job, I BET he will play dumb and not do It either, saying, 'She already handles it so well...'" - Harony
"She said she cooks and cleans, that's the only reason I didn't give her a Y T A. Until that line, it looked like she's up for half the night gaming, sleeps till mid-morning, and hangs around." "If she's contributing by cooking and cleaning and helps keep the house running in that way, but she's just not parenting, I think it's more about them not communicating expectations on who would take care of the kids." "Speaking of the kids, how much does it suck that these two adults are basically yelling, 'Not it!' when it comes to making breakfast for them? FFS (for f**k's sake), I'd rather not eat or get something at school than deal with these people in the morning." - YinzerChick70
Others said the OP had to take part in her boyfriend's kids' lives now that they live together."She listed all the things she did while she had a job, but no mention of any new responsibilities now that she is completely relying on her boyfriend." "Until I see some answers to these questions, I'm leaning towards her being the AH." "I also really want to know what is so complicated about these kids' breakfasts? There are tons of easy breakfast solutions." "I highly doubt they are so picky that they don't like cereal, fruit, oatmeal, granola bars, yogurt, pop tarts, or any of the many other quick options out there that require no effort." - CaptainnCrunch
"Forget the money, how are you going to get in a relationship where they have kids and then be upset you might have to do tasks for them, especially considering you are unemployed." "Definitely not the right fit for you... If you can't handle this, then what will you do if you get married?" - SensitiveAd2516
"Seems like an ESH to me because there is clearly a communication and expectations problem here. If you’re going to date and live with someone who has kids, you need clearly established expectations for your role with those kids." "Even if OP had a job currently, it’s unrealistic to assume she’d live in the household and not take some responsibility for the kids. OP and her SO (significant other) need to have a serious talk about what each of them should contribute." "Like it or not, OP is part of a family now and there are responsibilities that come with that." - Intelligent_Local_38
"OP went really defensive really quick with the sexism card. The boyfriend is just asking for relief in one aspect of their lives since he is temporarily burdened with 100% of the financial responsibility." "Job searching or not, she has way more free time and it's an a**hole move to not use it to help out her boyfriend in at least some minor way here." "It sounds like communication alone wouldn't be enough. It's that OP doesn't feel that she should use any of her extra downtime to help out her boyfriend. A fight sounded inevitable no matter how he approached it." - letstrythisagain30
Though the OP was sure she wasn't wrong for not wanting to take this particular responsibility on, the subReddit wasn't so sure.
Some thought this was probably caused by poor communication about how their household would run together, especially with her being a girlfriend instead of a stepmom.
Others were more concerned about how seriously she was taking her job search and general contributions to the household.
