Because of problematic dress codes often found in schools, many parents have chosen to be as supportive of their children's clothing choices as possible.
But unfortunately, sometimes it backfires, according to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Rushed to get to work, Redditor RogueMisanthrope allowed his second-grade son to wear one of his twin's sister's dresses to school after he proclaimed that he wanted to wear it.
But after his wife criticized him for setting up their son for failure, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he had made the wrong decision.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for sending my son to school in a dress?"
The OP decided to be supportive of his young son's clothing choices.
"My son started second grade last week. I get the kids ready for school while my wife sleeps (she's got a graveyard shift)."
"He's got a twin sister. I told them both it was time to get ready for school and his twin sister pulled a bunch of dresses out of her closet."
"My son picked one up and said, 'I want to wear this.'"
"I'm thinking, 'Whatever dude, we're running late. Just put some kind of clothes on, and let's get out the door.'"
"I'm pretty politically neutral so while I wouldn't say I was particularly happy he wanted to wear a dress, it also wasn't nearly as upsetting to me as the idea that I could be late for work if we didn't get out the door."
"I figured ok, I wouldn't ever tell my daughter not to do something because it wasn't ladylike so I shouldn't tell my son not to do something because it isn't manly."
Unfortunately, the OP's support backfired.
"I dropped him off and got to work."
"Three hours later, we got a call to come to pick up our son because his outfit was distracting to the other kids and he was being bullied."
"He was very sad when my wife got there and the whole morning had been upsetting for him."
The OP's wife was incredibly upset with him.
"My wife is irate, asking how I couldn't have realized that was inappropriate and that I was setting our son up to fail. So is just about everyone else I've run this by."
"My wife thinks damage has been permanently done because he'll be in the same school system as these kids for the rest of his life and he'll be known as 'the one who wore a dress.'"
"She said I was being thoughtless or willfully ignorant because I was in a rush and our son suffered for it."
"At the time, I truly didn't think it was that big a deal, but that doesn't change that I put my son in harm's way."
"Now I'm not sure whether I made the wrong decision or not or how to feel about it."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
One Redditor was grateful to the OP for teaching his son that he doesn't have to be "manly."
"NTA what a refreshing take on parenthood. It seems today so many people are set on telling women they can be anything but men still have to be men and act traditionally manly."
"You did what your son asked and I think that makes you a pretty great parent. Good on you OP!" - catchingnightmares
But others were worried about the OP knowingly setting up his son for bullying.
"As a parent of kids who are victims of constant bullying, we're having to talk our kids out of decisions their young minds find acceptable, but that makes them targets for bullies. I'd much rather keep my kids safe than have to pick them up from school for the umpteenth time because we allowed them to express themselves in ways that attracted scorn."
"The world is cruel. My kids are not, and one day they'll be tougher and will either laugh it off and/or be influencers and/or decide it's not worth it. Until then, I'd rather wear the badge of YTA and face a grumpy child who couldn't wear the dinosaur onesie on a casual day, than a child who cries over the bully who targeted him again. True story."
"Our kids have faced relentless bullying to the point where they didn't want to attend school and pretended to be sick. All because we 100% supported their individuality."
"Schools are limited in what they can/will do about bullying, even though we were 'those parents' who would upturn the administration because the extent of bullying escalated."
"While we strengthen our kids emotionally and spiritually at home and now teach them the world is not a perpetually kind place, our priority now is our kids' safety first." - Desperate_Anonymous
"YTA. Massively. Everyone saying otherwise is entirely divorced from reality. It doesn't matter if you don't care about him being traditionally manly or whatever. What matters is the reality of society, and anyone with half a brain would realize he would be ridiculed and bullied as a result of the dress."
"Your wife is completely correct on everything she said, including in all likelihood the permanent damage to his reputation. I was seen eating a booger in kindergarten and that followed me into high school, and that's not nearly as bad as wearing a dress."
"On a related note, you should consider enrolling him in martial arts for self-defense. The best thing my parents ever did for me, though they waited FAR too long (6th grade) to do so." - babno
"YTA... Like what did you think was going to happen? Clearly you weren't thinking."
"If you son was 12 and wanted to wear a dress then go ahead and be supportive, but as a little kid he doesn't get it and your job as a parent is to protect your kids from what they don't know/understand at that age."
"Kids are cruel and you've set him up to be bullied. Your wife is right to be p**sed." - TheDrabLooker
Some thought the school needed to do a better job of protecting students against bullies.
"I hope you're not saying that same stuff to disabled kids that have no way to hide their disabilities or really fight back against bullies."
"I have scars all over my arms and legs because ignoring, moving away, and trying to defend myself meant nothing when I needed to use walking aids and eventually wheelchairs to move around due to a then-undiagnosed genetic collagen disorder that was making my joints fall apart."
"What should I have done when I had been thrown from my wheelchair onto the ground only to be held down by three kids and had SCREWS pushed into my flesh? All for being a "useless cripple". I can't just hide my entire physical BODY and phase into a different plane of existence! I was 7 years old and getting physically tortured like that in plain sight of teachers/monitors!"
"The school did NOTHING even with my parents trying to intervene so I had to leave that school and try my luck at a new one. I wish we had the money to sue, it would have helped with the medical bills caused by injuries sustained from the physical beatdown bullying!"
"I'm going to have those scars (raised scars even, because I can't heal well) and injuries caused by them for the rest of my life."
"Just WTF."
"Bullies NEED to be held accountable, no matter if adults or children." - Khirsah01
"Seriously, I was bullied as a kid too and all the stuff my parents did to stop it was useless because no one actually did anything to stop the bullies."
"Saying I just needed to try and fit in more, or stuff like, 'Stop being weird! You're making yourself a target!' is victim blaming pure and simple. We shouldn't limit our kids because otherwise they'll be bullied, we should make it so they don't have to worry about being bullied!"
"If that means telling kids to just punch the f**kers if they won't stop, or you know, HAVE TEACHERS ACTUALLY DO THEIR F**KING JOBS, then let's do it, and not just blame the weird kid! Also for the people who are going to tell me that being a teacher is hard and they can't cover everything."
"No s**t! I worked as a teacher's assistant. I know how hard the work can be, but there are PLENTY of teachers who just don't give a s**t and don't do a thing to help the kids being bullied!"
"Yeah, teachers can't do everything, but they can do more! And the ones doing everything they can are saints in the industry. I know personally how a teacher who gives a s**t can greatly reduce bullying, and how a teacher who doesn't give a s**t can it make things unbearable. I've lived through both scenarios." - jcarules
"As someone who was bullied as a child, I don't think I was 'building strength.' I was ostracized and it stunted me developmentally. I didn't start to build courage until my late 20s, so I wouldn't say it gave me a leg up."
"I was an individual and had some weird/ugly traits now that I look back and wish my parents had guided me towards grooming and wardrobe choices that helped me fit in."
"I'd rather stand out because of my interesting personality than my weird clothes. This still applies in adulthood." - MissPandora
While one Redditor was grateful the OP was challenging what it meant to be "manly," the rest of the subReddit agreed with the OP's wife and that the OP made a hasty decision while trying to get to work on time.
Though it's perfectly reasonable to support children in what they want to wear, younger children still need some guidance, so they can optimally succeed in the classroom and in life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp