Coming to terms with having an LGBTQ+ child can be a difficult process for some parents.
But when one half of a parenting duo absolutely refuses to come to terms with it, tension can arise.
Redditor Throw_away4679 recently found himself at odds with his wife, so he turned to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) to get some perspective from strangers, asking:
“AITA for telling my wife she needs to get over herself and support our son?”
The original poster (OP) laid out the issue.
“The first time our child said he felt like a boy, he was 8.”
“My wife was adamant it was a phase and believed it was because I wasn’t spending enough time with him. We did child therapy for a while and also made more time for parent/child bonding.”
“Well now our son is 18 and 5 months ago he told us he wants to start his transition and change his name. For years I came to accept that this was something that was going to happen when he got older.”
“My wife however is still insisting maybe he’s just a tomboy lesbian. I know there’s a lot of issues here but I think the main problem for her is that she doesn’t want to let go of the ‘daughter’ she thought she had.”
“And I understand it’s a process because I went through it for a while, learning to view my child as not my ‘daughter’, but my son.”
“And that’s the part I feel she is struggling with. But at the same time, we’ve known he’s felt this way for years, we’ve had conversations about it and she still stayed stuck in that phase of believing it’s not real.”
“He’s barely about to start the process (had to briefly put plans on hold due to employment issues) and she keeps telling him to seriously think about the ‘consequences’ and trying very hard to convince him not to do this.”
“He has already told us his chosen name which she still won’t say because the one we gave him is ‘such a beautiful name.'”
“The last straw was a few nights ago when she posted some old baby photos plus school pictures on Facebook with the caption ‘my sweet baby girl’ and tagged him. That immediately pissed me off and I told her to delete it, which she did.”
“But she didn’t understand what was so wrong when all she wanted to do was share some of her favorite memories of them together.”
“I told her she knows exactly what she’s doing and it needs to stop.”
“I told her I understand it’s a lot to adjust to but she needs to get over herself and be there for him because he’s the one who needs the support right now.”
“That set her off and she became very upset telling me I have no idea what she is going through as a mother mourning her child. That somehow it’s different for me because I’m the one gaining a son and she’s ‘losing a daughter’.”
“She said I was being completely unsympathetic about what she’s dealing with and how this is all very hard to deal with.”
“She didn’t want to talk to me anymore and we did not sleep in the same bed that night. It’s been tense after that.”
“At least my son has told me she’s stopped messaging him constantly but now it’s like she’s on autopilot.”
“I told my sister everything and she thinks what I said was pretty insensitive about what my wife is going through because apparently, it is in fact different for mothers since they have a deeper bond with their child.”
“I don’t know I still feel like she needed to understand it’s not about her but maybe I am wrong and was in fact being an a**hole for saying what I said.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that the OP was right to say what he said.
“You are NOT the a**hole”—dingo-smallbones
“This is the same woman who is ‘losing a daughter’ and her husband is ‘gaining a son’???”
“The 1840s called, they want their gender binary back. F**k all the way off, and stay there.”
“I wonder what her reaction would be if she was ‘gaining a daughter’? I’m going to lean heavily towards ‘still f**king awful’ because her child’s transition is all about her.”—beetrootfuelled
“Trans youth whose family do not support them are at a ridiculously high risk of suicide.”
“Tell your wife that you’re sorry losing her daughter is so hard for her, but if she wants to keep her child in her life she needs to figure out a way to be there for him—or at least pretend to be until she goes to therapy and actually is—ASAP.”—lonel97
“This exactly.”
“Thank you for supporting your son, OP. So many trans kids don’t have even one supportive parent.”
“Your wife’s grief is real, but she’s adding to your son’s trauma by handling it so badly.”
“She’s so focused on what she’s losing that she’s about to lose what she still has: a living, healthy son who still wants a relationship with her.”
“What you said is exactly right: she needs to get over herself and actually BE a mother instead of just whining and mopping about how hard it is.”—Kathrynlena
“NTA. She needs to stop acting like a jerk and accept your son for who he is instead of pressuring him and forcing him to be something he is not.”—pissed_at_everything
“NTA – She is only losing a child because she doesn’t want to accept the one she has.”—Abeyita
The most important thing for the OP to do is to continue supporting his son.
“I love how OP is dealing with this, I wish my friend had a dad like OP. He’s having trouble with both his parents accepting him for who he is.”—drwhogirl_97
“NTA”
“Keep doing what you’re doing and being there for him. Maybe talk to him about it one on one.”
“Just be clear you’ll always support him and defend him to her, but that she’s not going to accept him just yet. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him, but she hasn’t experienced this and doesn’t know how to change yet.”
“He’ll have to patient with her, and she’ll have to grow up if she wants anyone in her life.”
“Edit: yes, I know it’s been 10 years. People stay in denial for a long time.”
“On top of that, sometimes these issues aren’t always brought up around the child. My point was just reassuring him he has someone in his corner.”
“Since he is now making the transition it’s reaching a ‘head’, which furthers my point of talking to him. Transitioning shifts the dynamic even more.”
“It also makes it more of a reality for the mother. Hence why this post was made.”—BrilliantCarrot1
“OP, as someone who has come out as nonbinary to their mother, I need you to listen:”
“YOU ARE SAVING YOUR SONS LIFE BY BEING INSISTENT AND FIRM.”
“My mother, point blank, said that phrase to me. That it was hard for her to use my preferred name and pronouns because she was ‘morning her dead child’.”
“And let me tell you, I’m 23. That sh*t still scars for life. I would have done ANYTHING for someone to speak up for me the way you are doing for your son.”
“Your son comes first. You are doing just that.”
“Please, PLEASE do not let your wife’s self pitying (and yes, I call it that, because she is putting her feelings above her son’s relationship with her) draw you in. I know you love this lady, but you’re doing your son a literally life saving by being firm.”
“Be there for your son, because right now, he probably thinks he has only 1 parent.”
“NTA”—BlockaLock2259
It sounds like the OP has a lot to consider moving forward. But for now he can be confident that standing up for his son is the right thing to do.