Many families will help each other out when a member falls on hard times, financially or emotionally.
But clear boundaries in these situations are important to keep a helping hand from becoming the cause of family strife.
A brother turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his sister led to conflict.
WinAffectionate326 asked:
“AITA for not cooking breakfast for my niece and nephew?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister (34, female) moved into my house about 2 months ago with her 2 kids (7, male and 4, female) after she ended a really bad relationship.”
“I (36, male) have always been an early-ish riser and like to get up and make myself some breakfast around 7 or 8am. Nothing spectacular, just whatever I felt like that day.”
“When my sister moved in, I realized quickly that she liked to sleep in. Some days she was up as late as 1pm. I gave her the benefit of the doubt since I knew how hard her break up was for her.”
“Since my sister slept so late daily, she wouldn’t get up and take care of her kids. I got into a routine with my niece and nephew that basically whatever I cooked myself for breakfast, I’d make enough for them as well, until the other morning.”
“I woke up and had an urge to make huevos rancheros. The kids immediately started complaining that they didn’t want that and wanted something different.”
“I was nice and ended up making them pancakes since it’s not their fault that their mom is really struggling.”
“The next morning, I was making breakfast potatoes and eggs, but all I heard was ‘we don’t want that. We want something different’ so again, I obliged…”
“Finally after 3 mornings of my unwanted food critics getting a separate meal, I finally told them, ‘I’m no longer cooking 2 different meals for breakfast. If you don’t like what I’m making, go ask your mom to get up and do it’.”ŏ
“I literally told them the other morning that ‘I’m not running a diner here’ when one asked for pancakes and they other asked for a breakfast sandwich.”
“I was concerned about then becoming picky eaters, but even more concerned that they would always expect this treatment, and I knew if I didn’t nip it in the bud now it would get worse.”,
“My niece is currently going through some behavioral issues, and she would 100% put a fork in the toaster to see how much attention it would give her. S,o making themselves something in the toaster isn’t an option.”
“So, they went upstairs to wake her up, but she still didn’t come downstairs until after 1 pm. The kids immediately started complaining that I ‘refused to feed them’ and my sister was PISSED.”
“She started in about how they need to be fed by a certain time and a bunch of other things that she said to try and intentionally hurt me.”
“I snapped and told her, ‘look I know you’re depressed, but wake up and take care of your fuc*ing kids instead of expecting me to do it’.”
“She got quiet after that and is still giving me the cold shoulder, but I know she’s expecting me to apologize.”
“Sorry, this was long-winded, but let me have it.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“So I did forget to mention that I had conversations with her many a time about getting up with them, but she would just laugh it off and say she’s doing her best.”
“Tone is hard to convey through text, so I can see why people might think I exploded at the kids. Truthfully, everything I said to them was calm and no yelling.”
“I’m not going to take it out on them because their mother is going through it emotionally right now.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I got tired of making separate meals and feel like my sister should come down and take care of her kids.”
“But it’s also not their fault she’s acting like this, and I don’t want to punish them by not making them breakfast.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Sleeping till 1pm means she’s missing their breakfast AND lunch. Ages 7 and 4, and still pretty dependent on an adult for balanced meals. Your sister is lame.” ~ mrmses
“I wanna know who was feeding the kids before this, since it sure doesn’t seem like mom gives a crap.”
“And what happens if one of the kids wakes up during the night? A nightmare or not feeling well? Does she throw a fit for them waking her up?” ~ Sorry-Visit-6743
“My friend’s husband died in February, and she was so depressed that she quit her job, but she still got up to take her daughter to school and make sure she was fed.”
“If you have kids, you need to take care of them. If you’re so depressed that you can’t, then you need professional help.” ~ Pure_Butterscotch165
“Not being out of the bedroom and being asleep are two very different things, that OP in his naivety is likely confusing.”
“Chances are, she’s hiding out to avoid her responsibilities as a mother.” ~ Beaumis
“If your sister can’t get up to feed her own kids, then she should not have them.” ~ New_Nobody9492
“The 7-year-old is old enough to say Uncle so-and-so makes us breakfast and lunch because Mommy sleeps until after lunch. She will lose custody and then have a good reason to be depressed.” ~ Lizdance40
“NTA. We now know why she was dumped, but you don’t need to be stuck with this. Set boundaries on her childcare and a clear timeframe for her to be out.” ~ bct7
“NTA, it’s not your job to feed her kids. I understand you’re probably giving her some grace due to depression, and that’s fair but you are spot on—if she wants her kids fed a specific breakfast, she needs to get up and make it.”
“Honestly, if she does not apologize to you, and doesn’t stop expecting you to take over parenting her kids, I’d be considering asking her to move out.” ~ gtr187
“NTA. Number one, you’re right. Despite anything she’s going through, your sister is still the children’s mother, and they’re her responsibility. It’s unfair of her to expect you to make them breakfast so she can sleep in.”
“Number two, it’s very kind of you to cook for them anyway, but that doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way. There’s nothing wrong with expecting the kids to eat what you’re making. You’re not a short-order cook.”
“Finally, in my experience, always cooking what the kids ask for is a quick way to turn them into overly picky eaters.” ~ Zazzog
“You’ve been very accommodating. Sister still needs to get her butt out of bed and take care of her kids.”
“Sleeping every day until 1 pm also means she’s doing NOTHING to help herself heal and move on. She doesn’t get to demand they’re fed by certain times if she’s not doing it.”
“If the kids don’t like what you’re making, they can have cereal or toast. Something they can indeed get themselves. NTA.” ~ ElsieReboot
“NTA, you said it yourself: ‘look I know you’re depressed, but wake up and take care of your fu**ing kids instead of expecting me to do it’.”
“I’m assuming she is not paying rent or helping you with any expenses – she is just laying around sleeping? You should have a serious sit-down with her and stop all of this crap right now.” ~ LynnBarr123
“Yeah sister and niblings are guests in OP’s house, but the sister is treating OP like her unpaid nanny, instead of the reality of a sibling gracious enough to open their home to their sister and two under 10s. NTA.” ~ Snowey212
“Agreed, NTA. And I just want to add because of this part: ‘I’m assuming she is not paying rent or helping you with any expenses,’ even if she is paying rent or other expenses, unless they agreed to some kind of childcare arrangement when she moved in, it’s still her responsibility to take care of her own kids.”
“I understand that depression sucks, but if she’s really struggling, she needs to communicate that to OP and get help.”
“Expecting him to pick up her parenting slack is absurd, and then her reaction when he called her out—any normal person would’ve been mortified and immediately apologize, but instead, she doubles down and gives him the cold shoulder? Ma’am, you’re a guest, and your entitlement is showing.” ~ bamboozled_platypus
“DO NOT APOLOGISE!!!!! Whatever you do, do NOT apologise.”
“We all have hard times in life, many struggle with mental health too. That’s not an excuse to neglect your children. 4-year-olds need supervising, I may add.”
“She’s gotten used to you waiting on her kids, and how dare she even consider laying into you. Who does she think she is?”
“Her children are her responsibility. You’ve been kind enough to give her and her children a roof, you’ve taken care of her kids for a period of time, allowing her time and space to get her head together. Now she needs to get her head out of her arse and start taking care of her children.”
“I’d start waking her up by whatever time she said her children need feeding by. Remind her that her children need feeding, and that is her responsibility.”
“Have her start pulling her weight in the house and contributing financially (if she isn’t already, which I doubt she is). NTA.” ~ Rude-Organization782
If the OP’s sister can’t take care of her children, she needs to seek help to get back to a state where she can.