The temperature of a home, when the heat gets turned on and off each season, and the use of an upright fan are all deeply personal preferences that vary from person to person, season to season.
Some people can be so adamant about this, it could easily hurt a relationship, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Silent-Record-4470 was in the practice of making themselves comfortable when visiting their in-laws’ tropical home, since they were used to a four-season climate.
But when their in-laws visited their home, the Original Poster (OP) struggled to accommodate their need for warmer temperatures.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for adjusting the thermostat at my in-laws’ house and not letting them adjust it at mine?”
The OP’s in-laws invited them to use the thermostat when visiting their tropical home.
“My in-laws live in a hot climate and we go visit regularly. At the end of the day, the inside of their house is usually about 80F (26C).”
“I find it nearly impossible to sleep when it’s this hot, and there are only so many strategies I can employ to keep cooler. Namely, minimal sleep clothing, not using a blanket, turning on a fan, and opening windows once the sun sets.”
“Often when we’re visiting, I turn the AC on a bit before bed to get it down to maybe 76-78 degrees. I can manage at that temperature.”
“I’m unable to do this when my sister-in-law is home since she claims she’s freezing to death anywhere below 80, so if she’s there, I just deal with the heat.”
“Important to note here that they showed me the thermostat and invited me to change it if need be.”
The OP felt unable to offer the same courtesy to their in-laws, however.
“Where I live has four seasons, so sometimes we are running the heat and sometimes the AC.”
“Shortly after they arrived for a recent visit, I woke up in the middle of the night sweating to find that in order to accommodate my in-laws’ temperature preferences, my wife had turned the heat up to 80F.”
“I turned it back down to 72 and asked them not to change it.”
The OP felt somewhat conflicted about the situation.
“I understand there’s an incongruity in me wanting the temperature changed at their house and not wanting it changed at mine, but I feel like being too hot versus too cold comes into play here.”
“Like I said, there’s only so many ways you can cool off when it’s hot. But if it’s cold, put on some socks, and grab an extra blanket. Warming up in a 72F home should not be difficult for healthy humans.”
“I think what it comes down to is, AITA for not inviting them to change the temp at my house to whatever they want when they’ve invited me to do that at their house?”
“And my best defense is my temperature preferences are well within average preferred indoor temps, and it’s really easy to warm up but hard to cool down.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn’t find anyone to be in the wrong in this situation.
“I’m going against the grain and giving you an NAH, but I also probably am biased because like you, because I prefer it cooler. However, after admitting that bias, I do think you make a good point about how it’s easier to warm up by putting on more clothes, etc., than it is to cool down.”
“Also, since Reddit really only likes to weigh one or two things, I think we have to consider another thing at play here, which is most of us have a sense of what is reasonable and not reasonable.”
“Imagine a scenario where your in-laws say to you, make as much noise as you want at our house, we’re very deep sleepers, and they tend to go to bed at 5:00 PM. You decide to watch a movie at 7:00 PM, and it’s a bit loud.”
“Then, they come to your house and decide to wake up at 4:00 AM and listen to loud music. You would likely tell them they can’t do this. What I think gives you a bit of leeway here is most of us agree that it is reasonable to want quiet at 4:00 AM and that it is ok to make noise at 7:00 PM.”
“The temperature issue is similar, most of us want the temperature around 70 degrees in our homes (feel free to google this if you disagree).”
“Another related issue on AITA that comes up a lot, which is should hosts have to consider the ‘out of regular bounds’ dietary restrictions of their guests? Usually, the answer is no.”
“If your in-laws were raw vegans, and said, please, help yourself to all of our food, and you ate a mango, and then they come to your house and you make a good faith attempt to get them food they can eat, you still have the issue that you can’t offer them all of your food, because so much of it they can’t eat. And you should be allowed to eat whatever you want in your own home.”
“So, I don’t think what you’re doing here makes you the AH just because it’s hypocritical as so many have commented.” – 9to5Academia
“I set my heater at 63 overnight and 69 during the day and 73 AC in the warm months during the day. I can’t sleep if it’s hot.”
“I call it ‘Grandma’s house temp’ when the heater is way up. There are electric lap blankets you can provide them during the day at your house and electric blankets to sleep with.”
“Conversely, when you are at their house bring a large cooler of ice and blow the fan across it to your bed when you are at their house. And wear one of those cooling neck things during the day. The lap blankets should be on clearance right now. Buy four of them.”
“I’m going to say NAH because temp/comfort is very individual.” – Glittering-Rush-394
“NAH. I’m honestly kind of on the fence. It sounds like at their home, they encouraged you to adjust the temperature to make yourself more comfortable. So, that’s perfectly acceptable.”
“However, it sounds like they did speak with your wife first and she gave them permission to change the temperature, as well as assisted in changing the temperature for them, so they didn’t actually do anything wrong and your wife was just trying to be polite and accommodating to guests.”
“Going forward, you’ve asked them to not change it but maybe just make sure they have extra blankets available and maybe see about getting a small portable heater for if they really feel uncomfortable and the blankets aren’t enough, but otherwise, it sounds like a mountain being made out of a molehill.”
“If they feel that strongly about it, they’ll let you know they don’t want the thermostat changed the next time you go over is all, and as long as you respect that, shouldn’t be an issue.” – amp_ro
“NAH. I completely agree with you about the temperature, and I think it’s on the ones who are cold to cover up more since as you say there are only so many ways to cool off. 80 degrees sounds absolutely miserable!” – Feeling-Visit1472
Others, however, found the OP’s actions to be hypocritical.
“YTA. Double standards that only benefit you make you an AH.” – wtfaidhfr
“I know ‘put on more layers’ is the argument but, honestly, when I have a sweater on over my sweater, it’s not working.”
“(Also, it took me well into middle age before I was diagnosed with likely Reynaud’s syndrome, but I’ve found that the symptoms seem pretty common and fit a lot of other ‘always cold’ people, esp women… you can put five layers of socks on my feet… they’re never going to produce enough heat to get warm. If I warm them up, then put on socks, they’ll be ok, but they need to be warm and then insulated.)”
“Op, YTA. Your needs aren’t more valid than theirs.”
“And guess what? Guests don’t have to sleep in the houses they’re incompatible with! Get a hotel when you visit. Get them in a hotel when they visit. Tada, problem solved.” – Sequence_of_Symbols
“I’m going with YTA. Your in-laws didn’t change the thermostat, your wife did. She may have changed it based on their request, but again they didn’t change it, she did. Does she not have a say in your household?” – AZ-Greeneyes2412
“‘I understand there’s an incongruity in me wanting the temperature changed at their house and not wanting it changed at mine.'”
“…Not so much an incongruity as an act of hypocrisy. YTA.” – GroupOk3447
“I’m seeing a lot of Y T A comments because of the hypocrisy. But in my opinion, to really decide if it’s hypocritical of you, we need to know how much extra it costs them to cool their house to 76 instead of 80 and how much extra it costs you to warm your house to 80 instead of 72. So I’m not ready to call you hypocritical.”
“I do agree with your defenses and I want to say N T A… but you said your wife changed the temperature at your house and you talked to your in-laws about not changing it. Since they didn’t change it, I’m not sure why you mentioned anything to them at all.”
“You should have just had a discussion with your wife and potentially compromised with keeping it at 76 or something. Or not compromised if it’s crazy expensive, but since you didn’t mention the cost, I’m assuming it’s not an issue.”
“Whatever the outcome, if you had just talked to your wife about it I think you wouldn’t be an asshole, but instead you came across as an a**hole to your in-laws. So soft YTA.” – stinson16
The subReddit was thoroughly divided over how the OP was handling the situation, as everyone could understand that temperature levels are a deeply personal preference. The general consensus, however, seemed to be that if the OP was going to exercise the right to adjust the temperature in their in-laws’ home, they either needed to allow their in-laws to do the same in theirs or book them a hotel when visiting.