It’s not uncommon for someone to have a hobby their spouse doesn’t particularly enjoy.
As such, there tends to be an understanding that they will each have an allotted time to enjoy their hobbies. Things start to get problematic when they start enjoying their hobbies instead of spending time with their families.
This is especially true if they spend large amounts of money on this hobby instead of spending time with their families.
Redditor Sad-Long4048 had recently developed a new hobby and consulted his wife about making a very expensive purchase that would allow him to enjoy this hobby a bit more often.
When his wife gave him a hard no to this request, the original poster (OP) ignored her rejection, believing he was entitled to it.
Possibly putting his marriage on the line with his decision.
Convinced he didn’t do anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA? I splurged and bought me something after my wife told me no.”
The OP explained why he felt he had the right to make a very expensive purchase behind his wife’s back:
“I (38 M[ale]) and my wife (35 M[ale], I’ll just call her Kelly) have been together nine years married for five, and we have two kids.”
“Recentl,y I’ve been getting into sim racing (mainly Assetto Corsa).”
“For some context, I am a long-distance trucker working 50+ hour weeks and making around $170k a year. I’m usually home on Sundays, but that’s not always the case.”
“When I am home, I usually try to do something with the family, but since I’ve found this new hobby, I’ve been spending more time there.”
“Kelly hasn’t liked it as I am not home much so when I am she wants family time, perfectly understandable.”
“Yet since I can’t race while working, I really don’t have any time except for when I’m home.”
“Within the last year, she has wanted a hot tub and a new car. I’ve bought her both since money is not an issue, and they would be nice.”
“So about 2 weeks ago I brought up the idea that since no one ever rides with me in my truck, I could install a sim rig in the passenger seat.”
“I’ve seen it done before and thought it would be the best of both worlds as I could race when not driving and when home we could have family time.”
“She immediately shot down the idea saying it’s ‘just gonna be a huge waste of money’.”
“So without her knowing I took off last Monday & Tuesday to have my friend who builds custom sim rigs build one into my passenger seat.”
“After everything was done and bought (rig, pc, wheel, shifter, monitors, etc.) it came to be around $3,700, nothing compared to what went into her $5,000 hot tub and $39,000 car.”
“Everything is collapsible, so I can see while driving, so it is not a driving hazard and doesn’t affect her at all.”
“When I came home this Sunday and she saw it, she went ballistic, cussing me out and left me to walk home (I park my truck at my shop, Kelly comes to pick me up and drives me home) so after a 40 minute walk I made it home to see she took the kids to her mothers and wanted to talk about making smart financial decisions.”
“This made me mad, as we have a large savings account and emergency fund, so what’s wrong with me spending my hard-earned money to splurge a bit on myself?”
“She is a stay-at-home mom, and it has been that way since we’ve met.”
“I do all I can to make sure she has everything she needs and is happy, but I can’t have a sim rig to relax and have some fun with the boys?”
“Am I the A**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who largely believed the OP was the a**hole for going behind Kelley’s back.
Pretty much everyone found the OP’s behavior to be pretty selfish, feeling they were looking for opportunities to flaunt their money and avoid spending time with his family:
“YTA.”
“Buying a vehicle for your wife, who uses it to drive herself and your children around, isn’t the same as dumping 4k into a hobby only you enjoy.”
“Also you seem to think because you make the money you should get to enjoy stuff because your wife stays home and spends the money you make.”
“You’re forgetting she enables you to be on the road making that money.”
“You don’t have to worry about childcare.”
“You don’t have to wonder if your kids are getting to school or their activities.”
“She’s doing all of that.”
“You leave, and magically, everything gets taken care of.”
“That’s her part of the deal.”
“So your income is your part of the deal.”
“Men act like cuz it’s their name on the paycheck they’re booking their wife up.”- bionicfeetgrl
“YTA for being sneaky and weird about it.”
“Adults talk issues out with their partners. They don’t compile reasons why it’s justified to go behind your partner’s back after they said they were against it.”
“If this is how you two act, then you aren’t in a relationship… You made a mess.”- ArleneTheMad
“ESH, leaning towards YTA.”
“It definitely sounds like I make the money, while she’s only a SAHM… so ‘I buy her things’.”
“If you don’t think being a SAHM is a financially good decision for your family anymore, it’s a discussion to have together.”
“Big purchases should be discussed with both of you.”
“If you didn’t think the hotel tub was a good idea or that a cheaper car allowed more savings, that’s a discussion to have.”
“A car isn’t a hobby, a car is a necessity in most places in the US.”
“And you have two kids, so she needs a safe vehicle to take them places.”
“Are you not going to use the hot tub at all?”
“You had less than 1 day a week home, and then started doing a hobby that often took that away, now you are presenting this new purchase as ‘Look, I’m making more time for my family!'”
“YOU TOOK OFF TWO DAYS to install this thing.”
“Couldn’t you take off two days so that you had some family time, when you see them like 3 days a month?”
“When does she ever have time for ‘hobbies’?”
“How well did you explain this thing you were buying?”
“I’ve never heard of it.”
“Her immediately shooting things down while not seemingly budget conscious in general also sucks.”
“The kids are not AHs.”
“Poor kids.”- Usrname52
There were a few, however, who also had trouble sympathizing with Kelly, feeling she overreacted by leaving for her mother’s house and shouldn’t have been quite so dismissive of the OP.
“ESH.”
“You discussed it with her first, and while her response to your fun money seems short-sighted, she expressed disapproval, and you did it anyway.”
“Essentially showing her that her opinion or input doesn’t matter.”
“Now, on a purely logical tangent, I agree, in the case of your hobby, your office space, your discretionary expenditure, her opinion doesn’t actually matter.”
“Until you involved her in it during the decision-making phase.”
“After getting it, her reaction is to strand you, take the kids, and run to mothers?”
“That’s ridiculous and extreme.”
“You could be like so many others in long haul; drinking and visiting rippers to blow their money.”
“You instead wanted to be able to spend a few hours of your mandatory rest time hitting the virtual pavement.”
“It seems like a perfectly reasonable approach to having both your hobby and your family time otherwise.”
“And it’s not like the sim-pit set-up can only* be used for that one game, or even only racing.”
“It wasn’t that expensive in the scheme of simpits.”
“Your mental health and happiness are important too, and part of that for humans includes pleasurable stimuli.”
“I hope y’all talk this out and come to understand each other.”
“You deserve and should have your toy.”
“She feels disrespected.”- brokensyntax
“ESH.”
“I think you and your wife should go to a marriage counselor and talk some stuff out.”
“You’re clearly having some communication issues at the very least.”
“Maybe consider asking her if she’d like to get into a hobby and try your best to support her in it so she doesn’t feel like you’re the only one enjoying their downtime.”
“She has to work 24/7 with having kids at home.”
“She’s probably feeling a lack of consideration for her feelings and time.”- Ca-arnish
After reading the largely negative reactions to his post, the OP returned with an update, clarifying a few things about his situation and sharing where things currently stood with his family:
“I didn’t think this would be needed, but seeing all the people saying that I take 2 days off for a hobby but not for family, I take days/weeks off all the time, we go on family vacations every quarter.”
“I make time for my family, and this purchase is so I can enjoy my hobby on my downtime ON THE ROAD.”
“I see so many people saying ‘Yeah she’s mad because you spent $4k to take more family time away’.”
“No, if you’d read the full post it is In. My. Truck.”
“This allows me more family time, yet I’m not going out searching for things to do with my down time on the road.”
“Sorry for the confusion. The title was poorly picked, too.”
“For everyone saying I should have had a conversation, I tried.”
“She shot me down immediately, wouldn’t allow the conversation.”
“The kids are back home, and everything seems to be fine, and I do call her and the kids every night.”
“So many people think I don’t care about my family; it’s ridiculous.”
It is possible to still love your family and have a hobby.
Spending over three thousand dollars on that hobby in lieu of something the whole family can share, however, seems like a questionable decision to say the least.
And even if he did buy his wife a hot tub and car with his hard-earned money, the OP doesn’t seem to understand that being a stay-at-home mother doesn’t come with a lot of time off either…