It’s always a risk to take one person’s side during an argument or disagreement between two people.
In some cases, there is a clear right and wrong.
Other times, however, a situation is so complicated and nuanced that it’s probably best to avoid siding with one person or getting involved at all.
Especially when this rift is occurring in your family.
As Redditor Dry-Stomach-2406 and his family were packing for a recent vacation, the original poster (OP) heard a commotion between his wife and son.
Upon learning of what transpired, the OP expressed to his wife that she could have handled things a bit differently.
An opinion his wife didn’t appreciate one bit.
Wondering if he mishandled the situation, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for siding with our son after he screamed at my wife?”
The OP explained why he found himself in hot water with his wife ahead of their vacation:
“Just created this account because the whole situation feels ridiculous and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.”
“We’re about to leave for a trip to visit family across the country.”
“Yesterday our 8-year-old son Jake got into a huge argument with my wife, and she’s still acting cold toward both of us today.”
“For some quick context: Jake is mildly autistic.”
“He struggles with emotions sometimes but is otherwise a pretty normal kid.”
“Loves sports, loves video games, and wants nothing to do with anything he sees as girly, which is pretty typical for his age.”
“I was playing video games with him while my wife was packing the last of her stuff.”
“She called him into the bedroom.”
“Maybe ten seconds later, I hear him yelling:”
“’ARE YOU SERIOUS?!’”
“’WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!’”
“’GET THAT STUPID THING AWAY FROM ME!!!’”
“I went in thinking I was about to walk into him getting grounded, but instead I see my wife trying to force a pink, sparkly shirt on him.”
“It had some celebrity on it and was clearly meant for a girl.”
“I asked what was going on, and she said his cousin Jennifer (who we’re about to see) is about his height, and she wanted to see if the shirt would fit before packing it.”
“Jake, while on the verge of crying, yelled ‘I don’t care, figure it out yourself, I hate you’ and ran out.”
“I told my wife she should have known better.”
“It was obvious forcing him to try that on would upset him.”
“She got frustrated and said it’s just a shirt and that trying it on was the least he could do after everything we do for him, like therapy, appointments, activities, etc.”
“That completely threw me.”
“We’re his parents.”
“He doesn’t owe us for basic parenting.”
“This really raised my eyebrows because I’ve never heard her talk like that before.”
“She went on to say that he’s been getting more difficult lately (which, to be fair, isn’t completely wrong) and that he should be punished for acting like a little jerk.”
“I told her absolutely not.”
“We’re about to visit his cousins and I’m not punishing him right before vacation because he didn’t want to wear a shirt made for girls.”
“I said we can bring it up in therapy after the trip.”
“She argued that he screamed at her and I said ‘Yeah, no sh*t he screamed at you.”
“You tried to make him try on girls clothes.”
“I’d yell at my mom if she tried to pull that on me’.”
“She stayed cold to both of us all night and refused to make dinner.”
“I ended up ordering a pizza, which she took as me rewarding him for ‘throwing a tantrum’, since like most kids his age it’s his favorite food.”
“Never mind the fact that ordering takeout the night before traveling is just the smart thing to do so you don’t have to deal with dishes.”
“That was yesterday, and she’s still acting cold toward both of us this morning.”
“And to make it better, my sister-in-law always automatically takes my wife’s side anytime we disagree, so I’m fully expecting her unsolicited opinion as soon as we get there.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditos weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for siding with his son, with many having trouble sympathizing with anyone.
Many felt that the OP was being far too lenient on his son, and that even with his condition, he needed to make it clear to his son that this sort of behavior wasn’t acceptable.
Even if they also felt it was wrong for the OP’s wife to force their son to try on a girly shirt which she should have known he wouldn’t like:
“Honestly?”
“ESH a bit.”
“’WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!’”
“That is not an okay way for an eight-year-old to be handling themselves.”
“Your wife was totally out of line, but you can and still should have a discussion with your son about how it’s okay to stand up for yourself, but there are better ways than to scream at your mom.”
“I’m not pearl-clutching over the word ‘hell’ or anything, but if this is how an 8-year-old is talking… you guys should really consider how you talk to each other and where he’s getting this from.”- MyAskRedditAcct
“ESH.”
“Would you really tell your mom; who the hell do you think you are, at 8 years old, because she asked you to try on a shirt?”
“Were you raised in a barn?”
“Moms not making him wear the shirt forever, it’s just to test size.”
“Plus, you say he’s ‘mildly autistic’ – you should be able to still teach him not to yell at his mother, despite it being okay that he doesn’t like girly clothes.”
“Mom is also TAH for acting like son owes her something for being taken care of.”-
pissed_bitch
“ESH.”
“Pink shirt does not equal cross-dressing, and I’m assuming you have some other problematic gender ideologies that come with that way of thinking.”
“The first thing you should have said is, ‘You don’t speak to your mother that way’.”
“Because, no matter the situation, this is true.”
“That’s your wife.”
“If you’re gonna jump in blind, it better be on her side.”- One_Relief8832
Others, however, felt the OP was the only real a**hole in this situation, feeling that the OP missed a valuable teaching moment with his son and also could have handled things better with his wife:
“You missed the chance to do some basic parenting.”
“Your 8-year-old child should not be screaming at his mother like that or using such language.”
“Whilst you may side with your son on his reasons, there is no way you should be condoning the action he took.”
“Not nipping these things in the bud could be what is causing him to get more difficult, something which you concede is true.”
“Have to say YTA here.”
“Teach your son there are better ways to handle these things and that screaming at people is not okay.”
“If you condone him speaking to his mother like that, then I can only imagine how he speaks to others.”
“Parent as a team, not as individuals.”- Uubilicious_The_Wise
“YTA.”
“Your wife should have dropped it with the shirt when she saw it triggered your son, but his screaming at and insulting his mom is unacceptable.”
“There should be some reasonable consequences for your son.”
“You need to accept that you are not a single parent or a single decision-maker.”
“You also seem weirdly overly sensitive on this ‘girliness’ issue yourself.”
“Your wife’s transactional comment re your son helping out was off and should be addressed in therapy.”
“Maybe she feels you are setting yourself up as the fun parent and she gets cast as the bad guy all the time/ has to handle his negative behaviors by herself without support from you.”
“Then you two boys pooh-pooh her because she’s just a girl with dumb ideas that your son doesn’t have to listen to while you are the real decision-maker.”
“You should take a step back and take a good look at the dynamics in your house.”-AgileSurprise1966
“YTA, your kid has picked up on a lot of internalized misogyny from you, and is acting on it.”
“He’s treating his mother like sh*t because you taught him to.”
“Why didn’t YOU make dinner after she refused?”
“Why haven’t you corrected him about being so anti-girly?”
“I can almost see the ‘Women, am I right?’ with that last sentence.”- laztheinfamous
It wasn’t completely unreasonable for the OP to call out his wife for doing something he knew would upset their son.
That being said, the way their son behaved wasn’t an appropriate way to speak to anyone, let alone his own parents.
There is always an opportunity in situations like these for someone to come out as the bigger person.
An opportunity the OP completely missed.