Grieving the loss of a significant other is undoubtedly a difficult and emotional journey.
Once the pain subsides – if it ever does – some choose to move on and find happiness with another person, and some choose to forego a new relationship and instead find happiness in memories.
Ultimately, though, the choice is up to the person who lost their partner.
But others do meddle.
A bride-to-be on Reddit wants her fiancé to cut ties with his late wife’s family after his former sisters-in-law threatened her and vandalized her car, so she turned to the “Am I The A**hole Here” (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor cutofffamilytaway asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I, 25/f[emale], am getting married to my fiancé, 29/m[ale], in May.”
“When we first got together, he told me that he was married from 20-22 years old to his high school sweetheart (we met when he was 25), but she passed of sepsis from a botched surgery.”
“He didn’t cope well and stayed in contact with her family, namely father and two sisters, 19 and 24.”
“It was a soft spot for me for a while at the beginning because they had so much history that we would not have, and it was tough knowing that she was all around him.”
“I never told him and decided to work through it on my own, especially with the fact that he would often spend time with her family during our relationship.”
“Her birthday, their anniversary, and anniversary of her death, he’d spend the day with her family.”
“It was uncomfortable at first knowing the man I loved was reminiscing about the love he had with someone else, but I kept trying to see it from his perspective, In the last couple of years, I have been completely secure in our relationship, and it doesn’t bother me much anymore.”
“Well, he proposed this time last year, and I was over the moon.”
“I love this man with all my heart but recently learned that he never told them we got engaged.”
“I’ve been trying local coffee shops the past few months rather than my usual run and tried a new one.”
“His L[ate]W[ife]’s sister worked there and other than being awkward, she did a double take of my engagement ring and looked really unhappy.”
“I didn’t mention it and left.”
“My fiancé told me that she kept messaging him on social media about it, and I wasn’t happy that he kept it a secret.”
“He apologised and was very depleted by it all.”
“He said that he didn’t want to hide me but he didn’t want to hurt them either and that both of us were a huge part of his life.”
“I understand that and let him off the hook slightly, just told him to be upfront with them from now on.”
“That was that.”
“At least I thought so.”
“A week ago, on Sunday, I got a message from the 24-year-old asking if I was happy with myself, that I would never replace his LW, and that if she was still alive, he’d chose her over me every time.”
“She even said that he only kept me around for me money…”
“I ignored it but I can’t say that it didn’t effect me.”
“When you’re in my position, all these points are ones you have to work through and it’s not easy to get over those insecurities.”
“It feels like a knock in the teeth when they’re used against you.”
“I mentioned it to him and he comforted me and reassured me.”
“He said he’d set boundaries with her and I’d never have to hear from her again.”
“Fine by me.”
“That was until i found my car with ‘wh*re’ and ‘grave robber’ smeared in red paint.”
“I had saved for this car for a year, and it was expensive, very expensive.”
“The tires were slashed, and the windows cracked.”
“I asked the store a few doors down for their CCTV camera footage of that night, but it was blurry and didn’t catch much.”
“It did manage to catch half a license plate, though, and the color and make of a car.”
“It was his LWs youngest sister’s car.”
“I told him I was filing a police report, and he asked me to hold off until he talked to them first.”
“I told him no, but I would if they paid for the damages and apologized to my face.”
“He set up the meeting for last night, and it didn’t go well, to say the least.”
“Everyone was shouting.”
“The sisters told me they, yes both of them, had nothing to be sorry for and that I should leave their family alone, including my fiancé in their family.”
“He told them that it wasn’t fair to him to be lonely forever and that he’d hoped they’d be supportive of him finding love again.”
“They told him he was betraying LW and that he never loved her if he’d marry someone else.”
“They didn’t have a problem with him having a new gf because he’d ’realise she was the only one for him’ and get tired of me.”
“Now that hadn’t happened, they were putting their foot down.”
“The youngest told him to tell me that they were right and that he’d never love anyone like LW.”
“My fiancé broke down at the table.”
“I picked him up and made us leave.”
“I told them I’d be filing a report and suing for damages, and the next time they saw us would be in court.”
“When we got back and calmed down, I gave him an ultimatum.”
“Either he cuts contact, or we call off the wedding and go our separate ways.”
“I wasn’t going to live my life with this harassment and someday subject my children to their bullying.”
“He said they would never bully a child, but I shot him down and said he didn’t expect any of this either.”
“He called their father, who was fairly chill about it all but still defending his daughters.”
“They say I shouldn’t control him and that I’m horrible for cutting them off.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I can’t live like this, and I don’t think I should have to just because we’re getting married.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on the situation, and most agreed OP was “not the a**hole” (NTA).
“NTA. I understand why he keeps in touch with them and views them as family, but if my family treated a partner this way I’d go no contact until they could treat us both with respect.”
“He may be dealing with some guilt about moving on but if you can work through your hang-ups regarding this, so can he.” – ReflectionSweet7222
“NTA”
“What they did is completely unacceptable, and I’m glad you’re standing your ground and filing the police report.”
“Look into a restraining order as well since you must still have all the proof of the messages and such.”
“As for your fiancé, I understand why he kept in touch with them, but he messed up big time by not telling them he’s moved on and loves someone else.”
“He’s hid you from them, which is stupid as what did he expect?”
“He needs to grow a backbone and put them in their place.” – Caspian4136
‘”…that I would never replace his LW and that if she were still alive he’d choose her every time.'”
“Well she’s not so they can f**k off.”
“Press charges! Sue! And try to get a restraining order.”
“If he doesn’t stick to no contact, move on.”
“Definitely NTA” – NUredditNU
“NTA, This isn’t a healthy relationship for any of them.”
“They don’t respect him as his own person, just as some sort of talisman for the life their sister could have had.” – 1568314
A few even suggested OP get out of the relationship.
“NTA.”
“File the police report, give back the ring.”
“If they’re willing to be so unapologetically mean to your face, then suing for damages and getting them in trouble with the police will only be the first step.”
“The drama between them and your part time partner will never stop and as long as you’re in a relationship with him, you’ll be dragged in too.”
“And I say “part time partner” because he’s just as busy defending them as he is defending you.”
“Even when faced with absolutely horrendous behavior towards you, he still tried to defend a relationship with them.”
“To me, that says he’s either still putting them first, or he’s so conflict-avoidant that you will never truly be first for him.”
“You’ll be asked time and time again to “be nice” or “keep the peace” while having to endure abuse after abuse after abuse.”
“So, file the police report and give back the ring.” – virtualchoirboy
“Nta…. but this isn’t going to end well.”
“If he’s not willing to cut them out after their behavior, you should walk away.”
“Good luck” – FunStorm6487
Many feel that OP’s ultimatum was very reasonable.
“NTA – That is a very reasonable request given what has happened to this point.”
“You need to file that police report ASAP.”
“It has been 7 years since her death and he needs to move on and cut ties.”
“If he cannot cut ties, he is not ready for another relationship; he is till living out the fantasy of the last one through her family.” – Fit_Reason7319
A couple even suggested one of the sisters may have a thing for OP’s fiancé.
“Wouldn’t be surprised in the 24 yr old is hoping for a romance with [him]… that way they can still keep it in the family.” – SpiritualDay778
As it turns out, they would be correct.
In a series of updates filling in followers of this story, OP shared she stuck to her guns… and her fiancé agreed that cutting the family off would be for the best.
Of course, it wasn’t as simple as that.
OP said her fiancé first apologized for not being more assertive with his former in-laws. He also told OP he didn’t tell them he was engaged because he thought it would make them sad… not vindictive.
Also, as it turns out, the 24-year-old sister did try to make a move on her former brother-in-law less than a year after her sister’s death… and apparently all these years later, she still felt the same way, as discovered by ignored Facebook messages.
Ultimately, the couple decided it would be best to move.
But first, OP wanted to file a police report.
After taking her car to a mechanic, OP learned of the following damage to her car:
“Shattered windshield”
“4 slashed tires”
“Two broken windows”
“Paint (obvious, I think)”
“Unknown substance in the engine oil”
“Battered bodywork”
That added up to a whopping $60k, and after considering market value, the insurance company re-evaluated the damage at $75k.
OP’s fiancé met with his former in-laws one last time, but it did not end well.
In fact, it ended with his former SIL’s making more threats.
So, OP filed police reports, warrants were served the day before the couple’s moving day, and the sisters were in custody the day they finished packing up and left town.
OP is now a happy wife with a happy life.