When two people with children break up, the people around them might be concerned about how the relationship ending might impact the kids.
But few think about how those impacts will continue in the future, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Swe3tieMaize’s marriage ended six years prior when her ex-husband cheated on her and started a relationship with his affair partner.
But when it came time for their daughter to graduate, the Original Poster (OP) noticed how uncomfortable her daughter was with spending time with all of them together.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to include my cheating ex-husband’s new wife in our daughter’s graduation photos?”
The OP’s daughter was impacted by the end of her parents’ marriage.
“My daughter (18 Female) just graduated from high school, and it was a huge deal for us.”
“Her dad and I divorced six years ago when he left me for his now-wife. Our daughter stayed with me full-time, but still had a relationship with him.”
Her daughter wasn’t comfortable with all of them coming together for her graduation.
“At her graduation, he showed up with his wife and tried to orchestrate a big group photo with everyone, including her.”
“I quietly asked my daughter if she was okay with that, and she said no, so I stepped in and said we were doing separate photos.”
“His wife made a whole scene, saying I was bitter and setting a bad example.”
“I calmly said, ‘This isn’t your moment to be included in. You weren’t around for the late nights, the tears, or the tutoring. This photo is for the people who were.'”
The OP’s ex and friends lashed out at her.
“My ex is now blasting me to mutual friends, saying I embarrassed him and ‘diminished his wife’s role in our family.’ Was I wrong for protecting my daughter’s boundary?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she did the right thing by respecting her daughter’s wishes.
“NTA. You played the role of the villain, so your daughter didn’t have to. She knows what you did for her, and that’s all that really matters. Let the rest think what they want because that keeps their gaze off your daughter being the one who didn’t want to do it.” – Crazy4Swayze420
“NTAH. You asked your daughter and acted accordingly.”
“On a side note….who cares what the cheater thinks, he can go kick rocks and so can his new wife. This was your daughter’s moment, not anyone else’s.” – FordT852
“NTA. You were protecting your daughter’s boundaries that her dad had no problem stomping over. He embarrassed himself by assuming his daughter was okay with having his wife included without asking her first.” – Ok-Region-8207
“This wasn’t about being bitter. It was about honoring the people who actually showed up, not just the ones who showed up for the camera.” – IconicAngeel
“NTA. Considering your daughter wasn’t okay with it is enough. It’s not you being bitter but you respecting your daughter’s wishes, which is something your piece of s**t ex and his wife lack.” – LilacFilter
“My ex and I always took separate photos of her former boyfriend of four years was involved. I was bitter about the role he played or tried to play in my daughters’ lives. However, they all thought it was important to include him for some reason.”
“You asked your daughter what she wanted, and she made the decision. That is what you need to let the new woman know. I have a friend who feels the same way as your daughter and is still getting the same responses.”
“I hope your daughter is able to express her concerns herself.” – SaltPassenger5441
“NTA.”
“Your statement is true. But, more importantly, your daughter didn’t want her included. You respected your daughter’s wishes and protected her from ‘being the bad guy’ in the process.”
“Kudos.” – Anxious-Routine-5526
“NTA. Once your daughter said she wasn’t okay with her dad’s new wife being in the picture, that should have been the end of it. The day wasn’t about either of them, after all, it was about your daughter. Clearly, they didn’t respect that, and your comment was a perfect summation of why they should have.” – CatLady7423
Others agreed and couldn’t imagine the parents coming together for a photo.
“I’m sorry, what was her ‘role’ in the family? Oh, yeah, she’s the one he was sleeping with when he left his wife. She’s got a lot of f**king balls to throw a little fit and cause a scene.”
“You don’t get to walk around, acting like a pillar of the community unless you’re actually a pillar of the community. If you blew up a family sleeping with a married man, then you lay low quietly over in the corner at big events like this. I don’t understand why this is so hard for some people to understand.” – BiscuitsPO
“‘Diminished his wife’s role in your family.’ Tell him that they don’t make special banners or party hats for homewreckers. NTA.” – Aggravating-Pie-5565
“NTA. You can’t diminish something that doesn’t exist. She means less than nothing to your daughter, clearly, and since it was her graduation and her choice, she should respect that.”
“You didn’t make the choice, you were adult and mature enough to ask your daughter her wishes on the matter and to follow that. Good job, mom. Not your fault your ex is an a**. NTA.” – goddessofspite
“I would have told him, ‘I diminished her contribution, for the sake of keeping the peace. If I had recognized her contribution to breaking up our daughter’s happy family and being a piece of s**t, we’d have been fighting all day… so yeah, I diminished it, for our daughter’s sake. It’s called being the bigger person; you should really learn about it.'” – ridik_ulass
“It’s true that the daughter had to speak, but the girl’s father is also quite shameless for taking his lover/current one to his daughter’s celebration. The person who destroyed their family is present and still wanting to take a photo. Soon she’ll want OP’s daughter to call her mom. If it were, the OP would cut off these friends, who are clearly friends with her ex and not hers.” – Future-Battle-4926
“It’s not even necessarily about cheating. When you show up late in the game, you don’t necessarily deserve the credit. My stepmom didn’t even meet my dad until many years after my parents’ last-ditch attempt to make it work.”
“I was already into my teens by the time she arrived on the scene, and she never tried to encroach on my mom’s space or to be included more than I was comfortable with. It’s been decades, and she and I are genuinely friends now. But to have the audacity to come in during the seventh inning and claim the glory is bad enough, but to do it as a home-wrecker like in the post is unfathomable.”
“The absolute brazenness of some people is a head shaker for me.” – PsychologicalGain757
“If the mistress were a decent human being, she would know that this day should be about your daughter and her parents. She definitely should stay on the side and not bother with the group pic unless your daughter asks for it herself. How dense is she? NTA.” – Stadenka1234
“Some parents never learn that just because they get a new spouse, the kid didn’t necessarily get a new parent. Especially when the step-parent was an affair partner.”
“You did the right thing, and this is just one of those times you take a bullet for your kid so she doesn’t have to explain that she didn’t want the photo. It sucks, but we do it for them. His family will move on to something else to be outraged about.”
“Thank you for standing by your daughter even though it made your life more complicated. That’s momming done right.” – Strange_Depth_5732
But there were a few Redditors who believed the OP could have handled the situation better.
“You weren’t the AH when you asked your daughter, but your rant at the end has me questioning why your daughter actually said no.”
“YTA because of your bitter rant at the end. It’s been six years. Obviously, you weren’t right for each other. Move on.” – Terravarious
“Mostly NTA, a little YTA. It’s your daughter’s graduation, so she should have made the final decision. Where was she when all this was going down?” – DMPinhead
“YTA. His new wife is in her life, and I think you asking your daughter if she was okay about the photo put pressure on her.”
“Your daughter didn’t approach you and tell you she was uncomfortable. Instead, you took the initiative to make a fuss about it, and your daughter didn’t want you to ruin her day, thinking it would be, and just agreed with you for peace’s sake.”
“A photo is harmless, and you were the only one who demonstrated that you’re willing to harbor a grudge on your daughter’s graduation.”
“You’re not fooling anyone.” – zeroconflicthere
“ESH. Instead of saying, ‘I’m honoring my daughter’s wishes,’ you centered it on you by talking about caretakers and late nights.” – MissionHoneydew2209
“YTA, which is exactly the role you were supposed to be here. Being a parent means taking all those roles on. Sometimes you need to be an asshole to protect them. When these ‘mutual’ friends say something to you.”
“You can say with pride, ‘Yes, I was the a**hole that didn’t want to include a home wrecker in my daughter’s graduation day.’ Do not mention that your daughter didn’t want her involved. You’ve already taken the role on, own it with pride. You are doing what a parent should do!” – Mysterious_Iffice_82
The subReddit could empathize with the daughter’s discomfort in being around both of her parents and stepmother at the same time, but it was her decision whether she wanted to spend time with them and take a photo with them.
Most applauded the OP for siding with her daughter and supporting her wishes, but some wondered if the daughter would have made other choices if her mother weren’t so “supportive.”