Some families have secret recipes.
My family never did, so I’ve never really understood the concept nor the lengths people go to keep them secret.
Is it so they can feel special because no one else has it? I’m not sure, but to each their own.
My family had a lot of never-written-down recipes that could only be learned directly from the cook or baker, but they had more to do with our cooking and baking style. Were someone to try to write down what we did, it would be different from day to day and place to place.
That’s because ingredients in New England don’t react the same as they do in the southeastern low country or midwestern plains or high in the mountains or in the Pacific Northwest. Humidity, temperature, and altitude all change how you can cook or bake.
My family’s recipes all involve adding ingredients until something “feels” right or “looks” right. Maybe that’s because our people were nomadic. We just learned to cook for where we were and were always willing to pass on the process to anyone who asked.
But some families actually splinter over who gets what recipe after the original cook or baker passes on even when their last name isn’t Sanders or Pemberton.
A woman dealing with being the holder of the knowledge turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a relative demanded access.
Lazy_Humor1620 asked:
“AITA for refusing to give my cousin our late grandma’s ‘secret cookie recipe’ for her new bakery—even though the recipe technically isn’t mine to keep?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My grandma (‘Nana’) was the glue of our family. Every Christmas she’d bake Brown-Butter Pecan Clouds, a shortbread-meets-meringue cookie that melts in your mouth.”
“The recipe was never written down; she taught it to me (28, female) over several weekends in 2019 after I begged her to preserve it somehow. Nana passed in 2021.”
“Before she died she said, ‘Share it only when you feel the person will honor the love in it’. I took that as: it stays in the family kitchen, not a storefront window.”
“Fast-forward: my cousin ‘Lydia’ (30, female) just launched an artisanal cookie shop.”
“She DM’d me. She wants Brown-Butter Pecan Clouds as her signature item.”
“She’ll credit Nana on the menu (‘Nana Rose’s Clouds’) and give me free cookies for life.”
“She claims using the recipe would ‘keep Nana’s spirit alive’ and ‘help pay back’ Nana’s medical bills. Lydia’s donating 5 % of profits to hospice.”
“I told her I’m not comfortable turning Nana’s memory into a product. Lydia blew up.”
“Said I’m ‘gatekeeping flour and butter’.”
“Accused me of ‘hoarding clout’ because friends beg me to bring the cookies to potlucks.”
“Warned she’ll ‘reverse-engineer’ the recipe anyway. (Spoiler: she hasn’t gotten close—she posted a TikTok taste-test and commenters said hers were ‘sad pancakes’.)”
“Now extended family is split.”
“Pro-Lydia camp (mostly entrepreneurs): Nana would love seeing her name in lights; refusing is selfish.”
“Pro-me camp (mostly older relatives): Recipe was Nana’s love language, not a revenue stream; keep it special.”
“My dad suggests a compromise: license the recipe with a binding contract that Lydia donates a fixed amount to hospice each quarter and doesn’t mass-produce it for grocery shelves. Lydia says contracts ‘kill creativity’ and called me a ‘corporate stooge’.”
“I’m starting to feel like I’m clutching pearls over cookies, but part of me thinks once the recipe goes public, it can’t be unseen.”
“Nana never said never, but she did stress care. Lydia thinks I’m crushing her dream launch.”
“AITA for saying no?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I declined to give my cousin the late-grandma’s Brown-Butter Pecan Clouds recipe for her new cookie shop.”
“I’m gate-keeping a family recipe that isn’t legally mine, potentially hurting my cousin’s business launch, and ignoring her plan to honor Grandma and donate to hospice.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“If Lydia cared so much to have them in her store, maybe she should have cared to learn the recipe when your nana was still alive.” ~ brooke090304
“If she can’t reverse engineer them from eating them all her life, I don’t know that she is going to do very well in this business. Maybe she’s supposed to be the business person and is hiring a pastry chef.” ~ Cayke_Cooky
“Totally. I am an average home baker, but even I was able to take the Marjolaine from the Great British Baking Show and make it dairy-free (parve). I’m fairly sure a real baker could recreate cookies.” ~ harvey6-35
“I’m the worst baker ever. But I make a mean Charlotte Russe, and everybody wants it. But I spent so many hours on the phone with my mom learning how to make it.”
“Nobody else cared because she always made it. Now she’s gone, and I’m the only one that knows how, and I live 600 miles away. You want some? Tough. Never lucky, bro, sucks to suck.” ~ joliet_
“I’m sure the OP’s recipe is special, but I’m guessing it can’t be that hard to make something very similar, if not exact.” ~ FancyPantsDancer
“Recipes aren’t copyrightable in the US. You can keep it a secret, but you can’t stop someone from figuring it out and making or selling it themselves.” ~ seanchaigirl
“Considering that there are already recipes on the interwebz for Pecan Meringue Cloud Cookies, it really shouldn’t be that hard for her to figure out something commercially viable. If she can’t, then this probably isn’t the business for her.” ~ KahurangiNZ
“NTA. I can see where everyone is coming from, but when she refused the contract saying that a percentage would go to hospice, it told me everything I needed to know. Don’t share the recipe. Talented bakers can reverse engineer things.” ~ hypotheticalkazoos
“This is what pushed me to NTA. Not willing to sign a contract that she won’t sell the recipe and will donate as she says, proves it has nothing to do with family and everything to do with her personal profits.” ~ javel1
“If Nana wanted it shared, she would have written it down. The fact that she taught you, versus telling you, says it was the act of making the cookies that was important to her. NTA.” ~ Excellent-Budget-203
“I am going to go with NTA. We also have a cherished family cookie, thanks to my great grandmother. Grandma Gertrude cookies are the ultimate family comfort food.”
“While I can understand where your cousin is coming from, she clearly didn’t establish a close enough relationship with Nana for your grandmother to share it with her.”
“And also, the refusal to sign a contract that restricts her behavior at all says that she is fully intending to stomp all over boundaries and promises.”
“Your grandmother’s cookies sound delicious. Keep your recipe cards close to your chest.” ~ KBWordPerson
“I don’t know that I’d say they didn’t have that close of a relationship. She didn’t ASK. The cousin didn’t care to learn it until it could make her money. She should have taken the time like OP did to learn directly from Nana.” ~ KidneyCowgirl
“Exactly. She could have learned from Nana, but it didn’t matter enough to her to learn from her living grandmother until she needed things to sell.” ~ KBWordPerson
“NTA- I was thinking N A H until your dad suggested a very reasonable compromise, and she still turned it down. If she wants to honor your grandmother, she shouldn’t have an issue formalizing the agreement.”
“Additionally, the fact that she’s making a spectacle out of this family dispute by putting it on TikTok is pretty distasteful.”
“Side note—very interesting that your cousin is interested enough in baking to open a cookie business, and yet your Nana never taught her the recipe…” ~ Ellemnop8
“NTA—if one cookie recipe is preventing her bakery from being successful, then she never had good recipes to begin with.” ~ yesnomaybeso456
“NTA. Normally I’m against gatekeeping recipes, but it sounds like your grandma didn’t necessarily want it shared widely, and it was her cherished recipe. You’re the one who took the time to learn it and discuss it with her, so ultimately, you’re the one who gets to decide what happens with it.” ~ Allaboutbird
“NTA. Your Dad offered a reasonable compromise that gifted them for launch, but put your Grandmother’s caring heart centre stage.”
“Your cousin is going to be a bad businesswoman if she refuses contracts. She has them with the people who rent out her store, her suppliers, her utilities, and will have with any customers if offers commission. Getting used to doing what the contract says is a good learning.”
“If she is so creative, she doesn’t need the recipe. But she does. But not enough to pay for it and honour your Gran.” ~ Timely_Egg_6827
“If Lydia is an experienced enough baker to want to open a bakery, then Lydia should have enough experience to recreate the cookie without the recipe. Maybe not exactly, but close enough to make a very similar cookie.”
“Lydia knows the recipe has pecans and browned butter, if it has a meringue texture there are loads of beaten egg whites (I guessed that much from never seeing it or tasting the cookies).”
“Let Lydia work for the recipe. Nana gave it to you.”
“If Lydia wanted it she should have asked Nana. Just make sure someone in the next generation is taught to make the cookies. NTA.” ~ Slightlysanemomof5
The recipe’s original owner seemed to care about secrecy.
So, keeping that tradition alive seems appropriate.
And as many pointed out, Nana died in 2021, so Lydia had ample time to learn the recipe the same way OP did.