Going back to work after the birth of a child requires organizing childcare. Sometimes, family offers a good solution, but unlike paid professional caregivers, the dynamic isn't employer and employee.
And when that caregiver is a parent's parent, the dynamic gets even messier.
Telling your mother or father no can be difficult at any age. Getting a grandparent to recognize the parent's authority can be equally hard to manage.
A mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after clashing with her own mother over her daughter's care.
Rich-Radio9017 asked:
"AITA for 'firing' my mom from childcare over a $5 class?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have a 16-month-old daughter, Ellie. I just went back to work part-time, and I had my mom watching Ellie 2 days a week."
"Ellie goes to this little toddler class through our rec center twice a week. It's a 2-hour class, and every class has free play, a circle time with a story and song, and an art project."
"Class is on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Right now, I work on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"During free play, the kids have 4 different table stations that they could visit including an art table, a corner of the room with all cars, trucks, and trains, the house corner with a kitchen and baby dolls, the dramatic play area (changes biweekly, I've seen a grocery store, vets office, and pizza shop), the book area, the block area, and the patio."
"The patio has 2 water tables, 2 playhouses, a sandbox, tricycles, and Lil' Tykes cars. Each class is only $5. Parents/caregivers are required to stay and supervise their children."
"Ellie loves this class. She's addicted to the chalkboards there and is starting to approach other babies."
"She does taste test every foam block in the room and has eaten her fair share of crayons and finger paint, on top of drenching herself in water, then rolling around in the sandbox and covering herself in paint, but it's nothing that can't be solved with a change of clothes and hosing her off."
"They have bathrooms where you can change her and wipe her down, but walking is an option, and the stroller can be dealt with later. It's only a 5-minute walk."
"I love how great the class is for her development. She is starting to know the names of colors, and she can sit down and play with toys for longer stretches."
"My mom hated the toddler classes."
"She describes it as chaos and insists that a walk around the block or a trip to the library is just as good, if not better for her development and is much less messy."
"I still insisted that she take Ellie, which she agreed to, then stopped taking her behind my back. I only noticed when I realized we haven't gotten art projects back in a while."
"The art projects are usually some variation of the paint that Ellie covered herself and the table in on paper form, but they're still nice to get. We like to hang them up."
"Ellie also was registered for the classes, and I had already paid for her to go."
"Since she lied to me about where she's been going with my daughter and refused to take her to a class that I truly believe is good for her, I 'fired' my mom from babysitting and hired a college student to stay with her while I'm working."
"If she's going to do whatever the hell she wants, I'll just pay someone to take care of my child the way my husband and I see fit."
"I don't need childcare 4 days a week. I need childcare 2 days a week, and I'd rather have someone who will take my kid where I want her to go and won't lie about where they are and what they're doing."
"The vast majority of kids come with their babysitters or grandparents. Out of 15 kids, I was typically one of two parents in the room."
"There were about 10 kids with a babysitter, and the rest were with grandparents. Ellie's new babysitter takes her to every class without complaint and sends pictures."
"Now my mom is upset that I'm restricting her access to her granddaughter and leaving her with a stranger, which is the one thing she was trying to prevent by babysitting my daughter for me."
"I told her I want Ellie to go to the class for the socialization, messy play, and early learning aspect."
"She used to get Ellie twice a week. Now I have a babysitter on those days, and she can only see Ellie when it works for us because she chose to ignore our wishes and lied to us."
"Now I want to know if I was the a**hole for firing my mom and not having Ellie see her nearly as much over a $5 class."
The OP later added:
"I've taken her to class plenty of times. I know exactly what goes into it."
"My mom can still get relaxed grandma time with Ellie, it just won't be twice a week while I'm at work."
"As for why I work on class days, class is only offered on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays also work best for my employer."
"Occasionally, one of my coworkers and I will switch shifts, and my mom will watch her on a non-class day while I take her to class."
"We've also only gotten sick once since we started going at 9 months—they have a separate class for 6 months to a year that's more laid back/less chaos. The teacher says she Lysols the room after every class."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I fired my mom from childcare and am now leaving Ellie with a 'stranger' two days a week because my mom refused to take her to a $5 class."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"The lying is the issue here. While I'm a big believer in they won't melt and a messy child is a happy child, I can understand if others aren't okay with letting a child they're looking after get super messy."
"Granny not wanting to have to deal with a sopping wet paint-covered kiddo isn't unreasonable."
"What is, is lying to you about where your kid was for weeks on end. Makes you wonder what else she'd lie about."
"You should be able to fully trust the people you entrust with your kid. NTA." ~ Broken-Ice-Cube
"This is the key part. What is next? Does Granny disagree with the medication the kid is supposed to take?"
"Being neglectful of trust and respect is 100% on Granny. NTA." ~ GoodPiexox
"Medicines and maybe foods that the baby cannot eat for any medical reason, and the grandmother thinks the baby is being spoiled. She'll decide to feed the baby a food they're allergic to, then lie about it." ~ nomadangie80
"Even if the messiness was Granny's sole motivation, the reasonable decision is to step aside and allow the parents the space to hire a sitter. This 'oh, it's too chaotic/messy for Ellie, so I'll just make the executive decision to go against the parents' established intentions because I know best' mentality is entitled and condescending."
"How much do you want to bet that Granny's intent was to keep the lie going only to unveil it later as some gotcha moment? 'See how well developed/smart/adjusted Ellie is? Told you I knew better. Best to leave these matters to me as I have so much more experience'."
"This was the beginning of a long pattern of overstepping and diminishing the parents' authority. Let's say Granny was right and Ellie could've gotten the same development/growth/adjustment by taking the long walks at the park with Granny."
"So what‽ Granny has a lane, and she needs to stay in it." ~ iamthea__hole
"NTA. Your mom lied about what she was doing. That is a firing offense full stop."
"I don't care if the class was terrible or the best thing ever invented for kids—that's irrelevant."
"Your mom has proven she will lie to your face when she disagrees with you about how to raise your daughter. I would not leave her alone with your daughter until you're damn sure she understands why she was wrong and won't do it again, or your child is old enough to advocate for herself." ~ jupitersbears
"If she's willing to lie to you about something as small as a $5 play class, what else would she be willing to lie about? If she wants to start spanking, and OP is absolutely against it, will she just do it anyway and lie about it?"
"If she wants OP's daughter to go to church and OP is opposed, will she just take her anyway? If grandma trusts a friend, but OP gets a bad vibe and does not want her daughter around that person, will grandma just leave her daughter unsupervised with whoever she chooses and pretend it didn't happen?"
"The dangers are literally endless once she's proven she will lie and do as she pleases." ~ treehuggerfroglover
OP has set a boundary with her mother.
Better to make it clear who decides on her child's care now than later.
