A simple thank you can go a long way. It can be the difference between feeling appreciated and feeling taken advantage of.
But what if your significant other doesn't have an attitude of gratitude?
A husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a conflict with his wife that started with dirty dishes left in the sink.
Human_emotions asked:
"AITA, my wife refused to show gratitude so I refused to help?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (42, female) and I (45, male) are at odds regarding invisible tasks. I do all the cooking because she hates to. I asked that since I’m cooking, she should do the dishes."
"She agreed, but after losing my job and taking on everything, that changed. Four months later, I’m back in the workforce. I spoke to her about changing the dynamic back, but she didn’t take it seriously."
"She took on most of the bills while working from home during those four months, so I figured I’ll let her have it for a while and kept doing the dishes. Things came to a head when she would put dishes in the sink all day."
"I told her that I don’t mind doing them, but I feel like she’s taking advantage by not washing a simple coffee mug and leaving it for me in the afternoon. She brushed that off. I asked her to at least show some gratitude if I’m going to be the chef and dishwasher."
"She laughed and said she’s not going to thank me for washing dishes; it wasn’t a big deal. So I didn’t wash anything. She was upset and washed them in the morning before work."
"I told her until she can show me appreciation, I’m not washing dishes anymore. She said it’s just a daily chore and it shouldn’t matter who does it. I needed to stop this 'tit-for-tat' thing."
"She was unemployed 3 years prior, so this isn’t a big deal for us to shift financial responsibilities. This is going to sound bad, like I enable her, but I did."
"She was so stressed about losing her job and fell into a depression. I had to get a second job because she has two kids I help with. I didn’t put any pressure on her and just did everything because she needed 90% when she only had 10%."
"She WAS paying the bills before when I wasn't working for a few months, but we both are now. It’s a 70% me/30% her split because I make more. I do most of the chores and we split the rest. I don’t mind, but when I feel ONE thing is being taken advantage of, why does it hurt to just say thanks?"
"I would absolutely give her gratitude, which isn’t an issue because I do. She was unemployed 3 years prior. She took the termination hard and I had to get a 2nd job to take care of her 2 kids—I have a grown daughter and 2 grandkids—and run the household, including do all the chores because she was depressed."
"When I was unemployed, I thanked her every day because I didn’t ever want her to feel like I didn’t care about the change in dynamic. I just don’t like that I’ve brought up something a few times, got ignored, and only asked for a thank you now and again only to be laughed at."
"AITA?"
OP later added:
"I just don’t like that she’s starting to show less appreciation for a lot of things I’m taking on. I uprooted my whole life to relocate for her and had to do a lot of work to fix her family home after. I guess I might feel a way I haven’t dug into yet."
"I do most of the chores, and we split the rest. I had to move to fix her family home in Spain. The yard, the trash, the repairs… I don’t mind, but if there’s one thing I’m asking because I feel a bit taken advantage of, why is that such a big deal?"
"It’s not one cup, it’s every dish she creates throughout the day, the cup was just an example. If it’s not a big deal, why doesn’t she just rinse it? The issue came when I made a request, was ignored, and then asked for at least appreciation because of everything I’ve taken on."
"We clean the house together. I wash laundry, she folds. I do the grocery shopping. I used to help out a lot with my stepson, but she thought I was too hard on the boy, so I’ve pulled back a bit. I would say I do most of the chores though, but I don’t mind—this one issue is just rubbing me wrong."
"She’s good at making time for him; she just coddles him. He kept throwing the trash bags from his room and bathroom in the kitchen bin instead of putting them out for pickup like everyone else does. I took three bags out of the bin, tossed it in his lap as he played video games and told him to try again."
"He got the message and hasn’t done it since. I do a lot for him. He needs some tough love; he’s going down a bad road, and I don’t want that for him."
"He’s 13… we’ve been married for 10 years… I pretty much am his dad. If I didn’t see him as a person, I would never have stepped up to be a father to him. He is a teen and acting out like one."
"My stepson has been really lazy and not listening to gentle parenting. He’s been extremely rude to his family members and I tried a different approach. I don’t hit children, but I do get stern, and it worked. Haven’t had an issue since, and he’s been helping to take the trash out."
"I think things are just getting weird after the move. We don’t keep track of chores usually, but lately I’ve felt like she’s gotten too used to me doing everything and that needs to change a bit. I could overlook it with an occasional 'thank you.' It’s definitely a thing we’ll have sorted."
"It was the dynamic shifting because it had to. When things changed, and I took back the financial responsibility and most of the chores, I simply asked for one chore to go back to how it was—I cook, she does the dishes."
"Asking and being ignored invalidates ME. Yes, I would like a thank you from time to time or to at least go back to the dinner chore split."
I work 8-10 hours, 5-6 days a week. She works 6 hours, 4 days a week. Roughly a €35k (~$39k USD) difference in pay. She pays the cellphone, mostly because her 2 kids are on the plan and she just added me a long while back. She also takes the WiFi. I do the groceries, mortgage, car insurance, water, and electric."
"I definitely do more invisible work, and I initially didn’t mind the imbalance. It’s just this 1 thing I wanted to go back to how it was. I cook, she does the dishes. I go back to fixing something until 9 pm, because that’s the time we take for each other."
"It’s been 10 years we've been married as of this past September. I think me stopping doing dishes was more of a 'it’s in your face now' moment that couldn’t be ignored. We’ll definitely work things out."
"I’m just curious to know if I was truly out of line. If hundreds of strangers say yes, I would have to grovel. I would seriously make it right on my end."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors unanimously decided everyone was being pretty petty (ESH).
"ESH. Relationship sounds extremely transactional, exhausting, and like the problem is much deeper than the dishes. Either sit down and discuss the actual issues, go to therapy, or get a divorce. Also, you sound like an a**hole for what you did to her kid." ~ joemama42067
"As written, it sounds like she is being rude. But the fact that you seem to consider washing the dishes to be 'invisible tasks', and your comment about how you treat your stepson (throwing trash bags in his lap because you didn’t like the fact that he *check notes* put trash in the trash) has earned you some side eye."
"I think you are an unreliable narrator, and likely have some communication issues. If someone had thrown trash at my kid and asked me to say thanks when he washed a dish, maybe I’d laugh too… on my way out the door. You two have got bigger issues than the dishes. ESH." ~ Neat_Key_7890
"ESH. I think a more proper conversation should have happened, but at the same time it’s difficult when she wouldn’t listen until you just stopped. I think you’re both justified, but you also need to have an adult conversation rather than acting like petty 20-year-olds in your first relationship." ~ Formal_Description69
"You guys are in your 40s? My husband and I don't keep chore score. We just do what the other doesn't excel at. I cannot put clothing away. I just can't... I can wash them, though. Hubby puts them all away. You both should be looking for ways to help each other. Sometimes one of us has a bad day or week. Stuff doesn't get done. Not the end of the world. ESH." ~ TheOlderTheKinkier
"ESH. you both are too damn old to be acting this way." ~ pippintook24
OP provided an update:
"We talked it out, and she admitted she’s been stressed at work and she did know that I would clean her dishes no matter what. She hasn’t felt like doing much after work. She apologized for taking advantage of that."
"She laughed at me not doing the dishes the other night and admitted that she felt silly for being mad about me not doing something she hasn’t been doing."
"I apologized for going about it in a petty way but teased that it got her hands working again. All is well."
Sounds like they should have had the discussion first, instead of going the passive-aggressive, petty route.
It might feel satisfying in the moment, but it isn't a great way to nurture a healthy relationship.
