When it comes to maintaining a tidy household, it's expected that all hands are on deck.
Chores are usually divided - maybe not equally due to age-appropriateness - but at the very least, everyone pitches in some.
But when the people splitting cleaning duties are both working adults, the workload should be pretty even.
But what happens when one party refuses to complete - or even attempt - their assigned responsibilities?
A man on Reddit is furious after he stopped cleaning up after his wife when she refused to complete their agreed-upon chores and instead started buying cheap dishes and clothes, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor TopLavishness2285 asked:
"AITA for accidentally raising my voice at my wife and throwing away her dishes and clothes because she won't wash them just buy new ones?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I 28/M[ale] have been married to my wife F[emale]/30 for 2 years now, together for 5."
"We were going to start trying for a baby but that got put on hold and might not happen anymore."
"My wife and I both work and we make about the same amount and work about the same amount of hours."
"My wife and I originally had a chore system set up where we just rock paper scissor-ed the calendar for our days off."
"We got a pretty fair cut I want to say but she did get more dishes days."
"I got more if not all the laundry."
"My wife HATES washing dishes."
"She hates it with such a passion that she sometimes just shuts down and cries when she sees them in the sink."
"Before when I caught her crying I immediately went to help her, switch chores for the day, calm her down and then it was fine."
"But because I was doing this, I noticed that she was crying on on purpose so I washed the dishes."
"I knew she was faking it because the second I took over her tears stopped and she'd go do something fun that she liked without a care in the world laughing and smiling."
"No wind down like before."
"Because of this, we changed our dishes to 'whoever makes the dish washes it' like children with the exception of cooking."
"Whoever cooked doesn't have to wash the pots and pans because they put all the work in for dinner (this was also her suggestion which I was more than okay with)."
"This was working out for a little while until I noticed that my wife made a lot more dishes than me and just didn't want to wash them."
"I asked her when she planned on washing dishes after I made dinner at her request and she blew up on me telling me to quite literally 'f**k off.'"
"I did as she said but left the dishes."
"The next day she asked me why the dishes weren't done and I told her because she didn't do them."
"This started a fight and I washed them but I was unhappy."
"I do most if not all of the laundry because she just won't anymore and I refuse to wear dirty clothes."
"The only thing she has to do with the laundry is put it in the basket. That's it."
"We have a basket for darks, colors and whites."
"She insists on her own basket for underwear and whatnot so that's its own thing and I hand wash it."
"She's been not putting her clothes in the basket."
"At first I picked up all of her clothes and washed them because it was no big deal, but when I watched her take her clothes off and just leave them on the floor because 'I always pick it up' I chose to leave her clothes there."
"She asked me why her clothes weren't done, I said because she didn't put them away and she blew up on me."
"Same story."
"Recently this all came to a head with all the fighting."
"My wife has been getting lazier and lazier to push back because of our fights and at first I was doing all of her chores on top of working but I had a little moment of 'why am I even doing this?' and just stopped."
"The dishes piled, her clothes were dirty, crumbs were everywhere on her days."
"On my days everything was spick and span."
"She decided that she's going to just start buying more dishes and clothes to combat not doing her part."
"I cannot tell you how frustrated this made me."
"She was buying plastic spoons and forks, paper plates, Walmart t-shirts and whatever other cheap alternative to the nice ones she has at home."
"I just decided to start tossing them."
"When she noticed that I was tossing her cheap alternatives she blew up at me again and for the first time since we've been together I raised my voice."
"My voice is deep and I'm a big man so this scared her which I regretted."
"I immediately lowered my tone and told her that she just isn't doing her part and that she's wasting money buying useless things when all she has to do is just clean up after herself and put clothes in a basket."
"She cried and despite how many times I apologized, she told me that she doesn't feel safe with me and that maybe we're better off divorcing."
"This shattered me."
"She's been cold with me, sleeping on the couch and playing 'domestic violence signs' videos out loud."
"It's such a low blow."
"The videos usually talk about yelling, throwing away items, control, emotional abuse, and signs that they're going to get physical."
"I don't think I'm wrong for what I did but this is really wearing me down and I've been getting some texts here and there from our families calling me an a**hole, an abuser for throwing away her things and yelling at her and that she needs to divorce me."
"The yelling was an accident."
"No one has wanted to hear what fully happened and it's making me feel alone and a bit crazy."
"My friends are either staying out of it or are on her side if they're women."
"I've been losing friends. I feel like the a**hole now."
"AITA?"
"All I wanted was for her to clean up after herself."
"I'd never hurt her, and I've never yelled at her before, which I do regret."
"I didn't mean to scare her I was just beyond frustrated because this has been building for months."
"I get that it was probably immature to throw away the disposables and that I should've just cleaned up after her but I was just frustrated."
"Tldr; Wife started buying disposable dishes and cheap Walmart clothes after she stopped doing chores and I didn't pick up after her."
"She found out, we fought, she's been cold and playing DV sign videos out loud."
"I feel like the a**hole now but a tiny, tiny part of me still feels like I'm not."
Fellow Redditors weighed in.
Most, if not all, agreed that OP was "not the a**hole" (NTA) at the very least.
Some mentioned it's probably for the best that the couple has yet to have children.
"NTA"
"Y'all not having a kid is a good thing get out of there."
"She's full of sh*t because if she really feared you she definitely wouldn't be playing a DV video loud."
"I don't like people who play with domestic violence like that way too many people have lost their lives to play about something like that all because she's lazy as f**k!" - Silent_Syd241
Others feel that OP is the one being abused in the relationship.
"NTA"
"I'm sorry but I think it's the other way around, you're the one in an abusive marriage, not her."
"She's the one who manipulates you and causes all the fights."
"She's decided that it's okay for you to do all the work around the house and is going out of her way just not to do a single thing."
"It's okay to admit when a relationship is no longer good for you."
"She's now in the phase of destroying your credibility so she can isolate you from family and friends."
"Start planning an escape now, including getting your finances in order." - Caspian4136
"Dude, your wife is manipulating you."
"I say this as a woman, I'm surprised you didn't crack sooner."
"This would've driven me up a wall."
"Agree to the divorce."
"In fact file now and tbh I would be careful around her."
"I wouldn't be surprised if she does take this further."
"Don't be alone with her" - Chaoticgood790
Several also believe divorce actually would be the best option... for OP.
"Dear God man! Why are you still with her?"
"It's not 'maybe' you'd be better off to divorce, you WOULD BE better off divorcing her!"
"She's done nothing but gaslight you on everything you mentioned and now she's bringing up abuse because you raised your voice at her for being a lazy slug."
"AND she's playing the videos loudly so she can use them to make you feel guilty and gaslight you yet again."
"And, what is she telling other people?"
"Considering how manipulative she is, I don't think marriage counseling/therapy would be worth it." - Difficult_Process_88
"it's not too soon to admit that she's not the best partner for you."
"if what you write is completely accurate then it's you who is in an abusive relationship and you should exit." - LeaJadis
"Lord, just divorce her."
"She sounds like a 12-year-old."
"Now she's playing domestic violence victim because you yelled once??"
"Get out of there and find an adult to share your life with." - Prudent-Reserve4612
"NTA and just get a divorce."
"She's doubling down on the behavior and now labeling any natural reaction or resistance as abusive."
"There's no fixing that."
"No, you shouldn't have thrown the clothes or disposables out. That's problematic."
"But at this point, I'd cut my losses."
"If you stay together, she's going to wield the abuse card any time she doesn't like something you've said or done."
"If you had a kid, guarantee you'll be doing most of the childcare while she cries about how you don't help and then calls you abusive when you try to do anything about it."
"Get divorced and save yourself the drama." - veloxaraptor
So perhaps throwing out the dishes and cheap clothes wasn't the best solution, but fellow Redditors agree OP has every right to be furious.
It may be in his best interest to take their advice and leave before the situation escalates further.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.