Content Warning: Financial Stress, Financial Burden, Domestic Abuse
The economy is tough right now, and it's harder than ever before to make enough money to pay all of the bills and still put dinner on the table.
It's reasonable enough to assume that if one partner stays home in this economy, they will take care of the various tasks around the home, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
But their falling behind on their responsibilities does not justify domestic abuse.
Redditor notsokeennectarine was struggling with burnout and was currently in between jobs, so her husband was covering all of their bills with a fairly low-paying job, working long hours.
When she fell behind on doing laundry, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by how her husband reacted and considered filing divorce because of it.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for considering leaving my husband over laundry?"
The OP felt very lucky to have her husband.
"I (26 Female) and my husband (28 Male) have been in a relationship for 10 years, lived together for four, and been married for three."
"If anyone asks, I would generally say we're a perfect match. He's always made me laugh, he's intelligent, we both like video games, art, and literature, he's a fantastic cook, we have the same political ideals and views on religion."
"He takes care of me financially when I'm unemployed (I am Autistic and struggle with pretty severe depression and burnout, so I'm unemployed 50 to 80 percent of the year), and he somehow manages this with a job that pays only 12 dollars per hour at 32 hours a week maximum, all without roommates."
"Paychecks are usually about $1,200 biweekly, and he does make tips from this job."
"Additionally, we live in Florida, so our cost of living is pretty low in our area."
"Everyone we know thinks we're perfect together, including both our friends and families. Friends consider him charming, considerate, and a jokester. My family in particular loves him and constantly reminds me of how lucky I am to have him."
But there was an increasing concern that she had about him.
"While I do agree that he does a lot more than most people would, there's one major issue that I'm noticing more and more: his temper."
"It is a problem I have always been aware of, and he was forthcoming about it when we first started dating."
"He spent his adolescence in and out of therapy and psychiatrist offices and even had a long-term stay in a facility after being in a detention center as a teenager. This all occurred before we met, and when I met him, he meditated regularly as a way to manage his emotions."
"As the years have passed, he has applied his coping skills less and less. It started as little things: raising his voice when irritated, but recognizing and stepping away, always with an apology later. Tearing up and throwing away a card I drew for him by hand that he really loved after a tense but civil argument, nearly in tears and incredibly regretful when I asked what happened to it."
"Driving faster and stopping short after an argument, I don't remember in the slightest, even though he knows it terrifies me. Throwing his phone against the wall when the automated voicemail for the electric company wasn't working."
"Slamming his fists against his desk so hard, he hurts his wrists every time he plays an online PVP game (this has happened twice alone in the past week), and asking how else he's supposed to vent his anger when I ask him to stop."
"He has never, EVER hit me and says he never will, but I find his words less comforting and trustworthy each time his behavior escalates."
Her husband's reaction to dirty laundry was what put the OP over the edge.
"Then, this morning, at 5:30 AM, as he was getting ready for work, I was awoken by the bedroom door flying open as he muttered, 'God f**king d**mit' to himself. I was groggy and only half awake, so I figured he might have been running late."
"He opens the closet door, turns on the light, grunts, and then walks out, slamming the door behind him."
"Confused, I sit up at this point and start reaching for my glasses so I can get up and check on him when I hear a loud, metallic bang and, 'You've got to be f**king kidding me!'"
"Then it hit me: I forgot to flip the laundry last night. Somehow, despite the last load being done only two days ago and having three work shirts, he couldn't find one, and the rest of them were wet."
"Admittedly, this isn't the first time I've forgotten. It's not at all intentional, and I genuinely just forget I've even put a load on, especially since our washer/dryer is extremely quiet and tucked away in a corner in our current house."
"To be very clear, I do feel awful every time, and I've had the misfortune of wearing a few damp clothes to work myself, and I do understand how it could make someone angry, since it is incredibly unpleasant."
"I draw the line, however, at how he acted this morning. After I heard the bang, I froze in bed. He continued to stomp around, hit something else (maybe the kitchen counter?), and proceeded to slam every door he went through, as well as the lid to the washer, kicking it again before storming out and slamming the door to the garage so hard, I heard the pictures on the walls rattling."
"I laid in bed for over an hour after he left, crying. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest."
"That's when the thought hit me: I'm scared, this isn't normal, and I can't keep living like this."
"When I finally got up, I found the laundry dragged out of the laundry room and strewn around the (fairly dirty) kitchen floor."
The OP decided that she would not put up with her husband's anger anymore.
"I will not be cleaning up after him, and I will be telling him he can rewash them, which he will probably also lash out about."
"I've tried to talk to him about his recent behavior already, albeit pretty placidly, but even if I bring it up while he's calm, it just seems to p**s him off again. 'You know I get angry,' or 'How else am I supposed to get my anger out?' have been the bulk of his responses."
"He wasn't always like this, and I'm failing to see why communication has broken down. I'm at a bit of an impasse, I guess. I plan on talking to him one more time. Not asking him to chill out, not bringing it up in passing after it's happened, but a genuine, 'Sit down, we need to talk seriously' moment because I honestly don't know what else to do."
"I don't want to leave, not unless I absolutely have to, but something needs to change."
The OP felt conflicted about what to do next.
"This is the first time I've ever even seriously considered leaving him, and that thought is terrifying, too, as though I am close with my mother, I would rather pull my own teeth out than have to move in with her again (not because of her, but because of the people she surrounds herself with, but that's a story for another subreddit, frankly)... and moving back in with her would be my only option if I did leave, since I am currently unemployed."
"Even with the recent outbursts, I really do love my husband, and when he's not acting out in anger, he's laid-back, sweet, cuddly, doting, and he makes me laugh like no one else can. I know he's capable of doing better. I just don't understand."
"Will I be overreacting for seriously considering leaving my husband if he can't (re-?)learn to manage his temper over things like video games and laundry?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were deeply disturbed by how quickly the husband's behavior escalated.
"Ooooof.. I originally thought this was a 'leave my husband over leaving his laundry everywhere,' final straw kind of thing, but no. That DOES sound scary."
"NOR. A serious talk is in order. Depending on his response tells you what's next." - TrueREDDITPoster
"I clicked, thinking it was just a messy laundry argument, but then it escalated way too fast… That shift was honestly scary to read. Definitely feels like a serious sit-down convo is needed. A public one." - Stree_GirlRoom_
"I think this talk needs to happen in a public space. And OP should have a packed bag in her trunk, that way she can leave for her mom's without going home."
"OP, if you decide to leave, do it secretly. Leaving is often the most dangerous time in a volatile relationship. It is when he is at his highest risk of hitting you for the first time."
"And just to make this totally clear: you should also consider leaving NO MATTER WHAT."
"You can make those arrangements first and then talk to him. If he addresses his issues, you can return. If he does not, you're already out. But I think you need to be out of the house while his temper is so explosive, because it isn't safe (mentally or physically) to stay in an environment like that. You can stay in contact with him, support his progress, and cheer him on from a safe space." - thoughtandprayer
"OP, this might seem dramatic, but I do think you need to consider this. Any grown man who can't control his anger is dangerous, plain and simple. There is no excuse."
"And I am someone who deals with anger myself. I believe mine stems from ADHD (as a side note, has he been checked for this?), but I do everything in my power to control it, and I don't act out against those I love as your husband does."
"Throwing away sentimental items, slamming on the brakes in the car, dragging laundry all over the house, etc. That's really scary behavior, and you're right, you shouldn't have to live like that. NOR and I hope you can feel safe again soon." - AnyStick2180
While it didn't excuse his behavior, others wondered if some of this was a result of financial strain.
"Alright, I'm probably going to get flak for this, but I'm gonna try and look at this from his perspective."
"He's living with someone who's unemployed, paying two people's bills on 12 dollars per hour. Jobs paying that low don't usually have any kind of security."
"He's not got a clean shirt for work. It is reasonable to assume he could be fired if he's late or shows up in improper attire or dirty clothes. His anger is reasonable. That is a high-stress situation to be in, ESPECIALLY as the sole breadwinner."
"You don't work and still don't do the bare minimum for the one paying YOUR bills, even if by mistake."
"I think you need to sit down with him and maybe discuss finances. I think it's fairly likely he's struggling and just not telling you. The sad fact is, on his wage, your marriage isn't financially viable unless you start working, too." - trashvineyard
"I'm in Florida. This is not a low-cost-of-living state. I know this isn't what you asked about, but the math ain't mathing. Maybe part of his anger is from financial stress."
"Either way, NOR, and I would make other arrangements before the behavior escalates." - balancedinsanity
"I had to do a double-take. Approximately 1,200 dollars every two weeks is for two adults a month is dangerously close to poverty line, and in Florida? AND with what’s going on in the world?"
"Unless OP and their spouse are, like, the most frugal people you’ve ever met, they’re likely in debt. Or OP’s husband is doing some sketchy work on the side, or has WILD credit card debt, unknown to OP."
"OP, are you involved in all of the financials? This anger could stem from a lot of stress with living costs."
"This does not excuse your spouse’s behavior! But it can explain it. He could very well have hidden maxed-out credit cards."
"I’m unsure how you could broach the topic, especially since he’s showing you how his physical anger can manifest, and it could potentially put you in danger." - bonfigs93
"I'm in the boondocks of the Panhandle, and a methed-out 1960 singlewide is at least 1,200 per month. No untilies or copper included. Not to mention food or anything else. This guy sounds mad stressed." - Different-Idea-8203
"NOR, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are thousands of dollars of credit card debt lurking around somewhere, and coming home to a house undone while he's trying to pay the bills for a wife who's not working is probably rubbing salt in a very fresh, ER-worthy wound." - Sad-Warthog1159
"Dude needs to be checked, and get his s**t together, but if I had a partner who was unemployed 50 to 80 percent of their life, I would lose my s**t, too, if basic things like laundry weren't done when I needed them done."
"No mention of kids, so what is this woman doing? Sitting around all day doing f**k-all? Forgot the laundry? What else isn't she doing around the house?"
"Trying to support ONE person on minimum wage is a huge ask, let alone TWO! So yeah, if I'm working, and my partner isn't, I expect everything to be done around the house (again, assuming there are no kids). I wouldn't be abusive and violent like this dude, but I'd be angry, and I would have serious discussions." - dmcent54
The husband's behavior was undoubtedly concerning, but the Redditors who called out the OP's behavior and the financial strain in the relationship might be onto something. While the husband was "somehow" making ends meet with a low-paying job, the OP was "admittedly" not keeping up with household tasks, which could cost her husband his job and their income.
While it was no excuse for how the husband was acting, he clearly needed coping skills to work through what were very real concerns and problems at home, including the OP keeping up with her share of the marriage.
