Grandparents are great to have.
So many of them can be helpful.
But they can also be intrusive.
A lot of grandparents need to be reminded that they already raised their children.
Helping is one thing, but a grandparent is not an extra parent.
Redditor Technical_Fly_9052 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my mom she's not my kid's mom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So for background, I am 28 F[emale] and my husband is 30 M[ale] and we have two kids."
"7M and 4F.
"My mother is actually a great-grandmother."
"She loves the kids and is very helpful, but she has this habit of overstepping."
"So both our kids do chores."
"We give them things to do that they're capable of doing."
"Like my son does the dishes sometimes after dinner."
"My daughter will help set and clean up the table afterwards."
"Those kinds of things."
"My mom came to visit us recently, and I've been noticing she's been doing this thing."
"She stops my son from whatever chore he's doing and does it for him, but if she sees my daughter doing something, she won't."
"At first, I thought she just didn't want her grandkids to do work because she often calls me a cold mother for making them do chores, but then I figured out the pattern, and it rubbed me the wrong way because I remembered she used to do the same thing to me."
"My brothers would do nothing while I did everything, so I started correcting her and making my son finish his chores himself, which made her really agitated."
"Yesterday we were having dinner, and my daughter and husband were clearing up the table because it was my son's turn to do the dishes."
"She tried stopping him, but I told him to do the dishes and took her outside."
"She told me I'm so cold for making my son wash dishes, and why couldn't I do it?"
"I explained to her that we like to split chores evenly in the house, and if he's capable, he should (it was like 5 plates and cups and a few spoons)."
"She kept going, and she called me lazy (something she would often do whenever I asked my brothers to help me out with chores)."
"Here's where I may be an a**hole."
"I told her 'she's one to talk after making me clean up after everybody my whole life.'"
"I told her I'm not going to enable my son to be 'f**king' losers like her sons."
"My little brother literally had to be spoon-fed until he was ten because he refused to eat if my mom didn't feed him."
"I was apparently ill-treating my son by making him do all these chores."
"I told her, 'I'm teaching him to be independent, and that she may have raised two boys, but she's not my kid's mom, so she should f**k off when I'm trying not to turn my son into an incompetent a**hole.'"
"She left crying."
"My dad called and told me she's moping around."
"My husband says it was deserved, but he really doesn't like my mother because he's seen over the years how she treats me compared to how she treats my brothers."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Did I go too far? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you."
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I don't think you went too far.'
"I think your son will appreciate learning how to be a capable person."
"Your daughter will appreciate being treated fairly."
"Rock on, Mom."
"You've got this. 👍." ~ Outrageous-Banana905
"I'd even say she could go further - if that happens again, I'd correct her in front of the kids, then set the boundary again and talk her through it.'
"Later that day, I'd sit down with the kids and explain it to them in a kid-friendly way."
"Repeat at every instance so they see the discrimination corrected, challenged, and it isn't normalized."
"If she doesn't respect your parenting decisions, tho, I'd reconsider how much time she gets to spend around them. Watch closely if she corrects her behavior now or doubles down/ ignores the boundary." ~ Pandora2304
"Your mum treats you like crap, F[or] Y[our] I[nformation]."
"Sounds like you don't even realize how much she talks down to you after a lifetime of it."
"A good husband would hate your mother."
"You've found a good husband."
"Way to go for finding your backbone and your voice."
"You deserve soooo much praise for breaking the negative cycle your mother started."
"She wronged you and she wronged her sons, too."
She can stay home and mope.
And also FYI, if she's undermining you and your parenting, she's NOT a good grandma." ~ Rohini_rambles
"She's actually not a 'great grandmother' if she treats your kids differently, like she did you and your brothers."
"There's absolutely nothing great about that behavior."
"Goodness knows what else she says to them."
"You reached your limit, NTA." ~ SadFlatworm1436
"She is not a good grandmother.'
"She is teaching your son to be useless and your daughter that she should accept uselessness and clean up after men." ~ Queen_Sized_Beauty
"Exactly! Chores are life skills, at the end of the day."
"Boys, not just girls, need to learn how to keep a house, because at some point they'll leave home, and no future partner is going to want to deal with a fully grown toddler who can't/won't look after themselves. NTA." ~ Dishmastah
"Nope. NTA."
"They are YOUR kids; if she doesn't like it, I'm sure she knows where the door is." ~ Any_Armadillo7098
"This happens so much with grandparents, they feel like because they had grown-up kids, they're some kind of authority on raising children."
"Happened to me with both my mom and my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"My wife and I had to basically tell them all the things they did wrong while raising us to make them realize they weren't such great parents."
"It hurt (for both of us), but sometimes a reality check is the best way to stop someone from believing they know better than everyone." ~ NemoTheOneTrueGod
"NTA. And she's not a great-grandmother if she's perpetuating the same sexism and misogynistic behavior from your own childhood." ~ WholeAd2742
"NTA. Good on you for advocating for yourself and your children." ~ Perfect_Ring3489
"NTA. You saw the behavior and the pattern and took action."
"I assure you, the daughter would have eventually seen it as well and wondered why she never got a break."
"You are 100% right."
"They are your kids, and you don't want your kids to be shown favoritism, and you want them to be independent and able to do things themselves."
"She can be unhappy about it. It's her right and privilege."
"She can have her own feelings."
"But she cannot tell you or your husband how to raise your kids." ~ Radiant_Bee1
"NTA and good on you for whoever your children end up with."
'Their partner will be lucky to have someone who splits chores, and if they choose to be by themselves, they will be able to take care of themselves."
"As a parent, it's your job to prepare them for real life." ~ heartbernmira
"NTA. She got what she deserved, and her sexist gender roles can go to hell."
"Good for you for raising your kids to be responsible." ~ CustomerMission5075
"NTA. She f**ked around and found out!"
"She needed to hear that, and I'm proud of you for telling her what's good."
"And good on you for creating a household of fairness." ~ buffythebudslayer
"NTA. This is 100% how we should be treating both boys and girls."
"They need to learn to take care of themselves so they don't end up in a relationship where they are settling, just because they do everything for them."
"They will be looking for better qualities in a partner than do they cook, clean, wipe my a** for me!"
"Your mom is wrong."
"Let her pout."
"She is probably just now seeing she messed up her son's." ~ Sapphire-Donut1214
"NTA. Absolutely NTA."
"Good for you."
"You didn't just stand up for yourself, you stood up for your son and your daughter, because she's trying to repeat the same pattern."
"She's either mopping because she's realised you are right and she fucked up... doubtful."
"Or..."
"You stood up to her, and she doesn't know how to handle it."
"Good luck if it's that one."
"They tend to get worse before they get better."
"If they get better." ~ FrostiePi
"NTA, she deserves it for not only overstepping boundaries, but for being sexist and singling you and your daughter out as the only female children of your respective generations."
"Honestly, I'd recommend getting her some help in working out her misogyny, as that typically stems from being raised the same way, and she likely has some unresolved trauma that led to her treating you the same way, but it's not your responsibility.'
"Either way, I wish you luck in dealing with her in the future, and if no one has said it to you before, then let me say that I'm proud of you for breaking the chain and not allowing your daughter to be affected by your family's generational trauma." ~ An_Idiot_Called
"NTA. You simply have your kids learning how to take care of these chores now, while the stakes are the lowest and there's a parent (or 2, it sounds like in this case) to help them learn."
"Both will be better adults for it."
"Also, NTA for teaching your son that housework is for all genders, not just women/girls."
"You are doing a small part to fight sexism in that alone." ~ sep780
Reddit is with you, OP.
You stood up for yourself and your family.
You're teaching your children about responsibility.
You have a lot of trauma to unpack; it might be a good idea to find a professional to talk to.
Good Luck.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.